Recent insight about lack of identity and mirroring.

[Gonzalo]

I remember several times we'd have a big argument and full-on rage from her when I'd try to understand her and her preference much more quickly and intensely than normal. For example, we had talked about walking to a restaurant semi-near to the house as a fun thing to do, and she seemed really interested in it when we talked about it. Then later I brought up making that walk, though that particular day was rainy, and she seemed to not like the idea and went oddly quiet. So I asked her if she just wasn't into it today, or if she had changed her mind, and what she didn't like about it so that I could figure out whether to bring it up, modify the plan, or ditch the idea. She raged at me about being controlling and not respecting her and how I never could just let her make her own decision, and ruined the first part of that week. Another time, while there were other factors, what seemed to set off a contender for the biggest BPDsplosion was that I tried taking her to dinner at a restaurant that she has said she really wanted to try when we were with a friend, she didn't want to go, and got upset that I took what she had said before at face value.

I just realized that for all she said about being me somehow being controlling and not respecting her by wanting to understand, the real problem is very likely that my questions were touching on the lack of a core identity in BPD and mirroring behavior common to pwBPD. If I change my mind about something, there are probably reasons, and I can examine myself and see what's changed, but from what I understand about BPD there isn't really isn't that kind of thought process, it's all some impulse of the moment, and the questions threaten to reveal that. If I tell someone that I am really interested in a place or activity they're talking about (not just a polite 'that sounds like a good place', I mean it and plan on trying it (even if the plan never comes through). But she even said that the enthusiasm she exuded was just a show to get closer to the other person (ie mirroring), and (of course) that I should have known that and not tried to take it as a serious preference of hers.

For me, this helps me put away those arguments when they come up in my head, because there's now a clear picture of what it was really about. (My brain is really bad about digging up old 'failures' of mine, I've done CBT to help control it).  It also helps me get rid of the feeling that maybe I did do something wrong, that I was asking bad questions instead of behaving like a reasonable partner. Finally, helps me recognize some red flags in the future, since people's rage (even rage from a PD) usually has some cause, and someone trying to hide their core personality (or lack thereof) or doing a lot of mirroring is not going to work in the kind of relationship I want.

[mitatsu]

My EXw could very rarely make a decision about things she would um and ar... .2 weeks before i walked i wanted to buy her a new 2nd hand car as hers was getting on and needed repairs i found a few and asker her which she liked... .i may of well asked for the meaning of life and getting a decision in a restaurant etc was murder (not that i asked i would just sit patiently for ages whilst she again um' and ar'd)

also its funny how alot of my music was her fave too and how she liked all i was into clothing wise (steampunk/victorian) she also started using alot of my 'wordism's' etc

i feel sorry for her not having a 'mind/identity' of her own 

[raisins3142]

Mine hated making decisions and would want me to make them.  Which stinks because for several reasons, including if it turns out bad then it is all your fault.

I asked her several times to give her input and she would say "I can't help you with that" with a smile.  She had some weird twisted idea of what I was supposed to be as a man, which is more than a leader but kind of an a-hole tyrant that she can feel safe around (like Eva Braun felt safe in the bunker, I suppose).

She even told me that she prefers making decisions impulsively or leaving it up to someone else.

She used that "I can't help you with that" smirky phrase often when I was getting at some underlying issue like BPD or her sexual dysfunction.

[Mutt]

I remember several times we'd have a big argument and full-on rage from her when I'd try to understand her and her preference much more quickly and intensely than normal. For example, we had talked about walking to a restaurant semi-near to the house as a fun thing to do, and she seemed really interested in it when we talked about it.

Did she choose things to do?

[Gonzalo]

I wouldn't say that she would never pick things to do, but she definitely left most of the 'what to eat' 'where to go' decisions up to me. And would do the 'you pick. No, I don't like that, pick something else' thing a LOT. She would also express interest in doing something new, then lose interest by the time it came around.