Apologizing to BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, I haven't posted in quite some time. My uBPD mother and I had a disagreement and in the course of it I felt like she made a low blow, something I had told her in confidence that had nothing to do with what we were discussing. I felt myself getting upset and didn't want to go there, so I said it was time for her to leave my house. She stormed out and she hasn't gotten over it 3 months later. I tried apologizing at basically her request but I offered explanation which I know I shouldn't have done. The discussion went sideways and she pulled out stuff from the way past... .again that had nothing to do with the discussion. I want to smooth things over, but wonder if that's possible. She thinks I committed a cardinal sin as a daughter. I am emotionally tapped and having trouble mustering a proper apology. I don't know if she will even return my calls as I have tried to get a hold of her. Any thoughts/ideas?

[Change2014]

Hi, I haven't posted in quite some time. My uBPD mother and I had a disagreement and in the course of it I felt like she made a low blow, something I had told her in confidence that had nothing to do with what we were discussing. I felt myself getting upset and didn't want to go there, so I said it was time for her to leave my house. She stormed out and she hasn't gotten over it 3 months later. I tried apologizing at basically her request but I offered explanation which I know I shouldn't have done. The discussion went sideways and she pulled out stuff from the way past... .again that had nothing to do with the discussion. I want to smooth things over, but wonder if that's possible. She thinks I committed a cardinal sin as a daughter. I am emotionally tapped and having trouble mustering a proper apology. I don't know if she will even return my calls as I have tried to get a hold of her. Any thoughts/ideas?

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Change2014 & welcome back 

Gee... .I'm really sorry about this happening to you. My own Mom isn't BPD (she has a few traits because of her undiagnosed own mother bringing her up), and though she gave us kids the "silent treatment" from time to time years ago, she doesn't do stuff like that anymore.

However, my Husband's Mom is undiagnosed BPD, and is just like your Mom. Everything you described could be attributed to her and her behaviors. She once got mad at my Husband and me over a really minor, silly thing (we had invited her and my F-I-L to our younger son's H.S. Graduation party, along with the rest of the gigantic extended family, but didn't give them another heads-up invitation phone call the night before although the date and time were never in dispute  ).

That particular dysregulation of hers resulted in a No Contact edict from her for a whole two years, where she wouldn't talk to us or come downstairs to see us if we showed up at her house (where we very happily visited with my F-I-L and B-I-L who lived in the same house). For two years she didn't see or talk to us or our kids... .Strange, no? Actually, not strange to those of us who deal with BPD loved ones and have found this to be fairly usual.

What you do next would be dependent on what you would feel comfortable doing. Have you ever read "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr? Several of us on the Parenting a Child with BPD Board--including me--have benefitted from using this "letter" from that book. It's found on page 331, and she calls it an "Acceptance-Acknowledgement Declaration":

I never knew how much pain you were in. I never knew how much you suffered. I must have said and done so many things to hurt you because I did not understand or acknowledge your pain. I am so sorry. It was never my intention to cause you pain. What can we do now to improve our relationship?

We take that letter, and fit it into our circumstances, and send it as a validation of how our loved one is feeling--and accepting those feelings as true for our loved one. We don't Justify, Apologize, Defend or Explain our position (JADE), but do let our loved one know that we understand how they feel, with empathy and love. We have found that it can end a No Contact situation, and make things better in the long run. Our loved one is so happy to feel heard and understood, that things can change with the relationship.

It's not easy to know that we haven't done anything wrong, and to feel like we are apologizing for something we haven't even done--that we are "giving in" to the craziness or untruth. But if you look carefully, the letter isn't doing that. It's just validating how our loved one feels--not agreeing with them that the feeling is our own truth... .I've used this letter for a D-I-L with BPD traits, and also with my M-I-L, and it has helped a lot.

I don't know if something like that would be comfortable for you; a Mother/Daughter relationship is different, and the emotional entanglement is not the same as a different relationship's would be. What do you think? Beyond the letter above, have you checked out the links to the right-hand side of this page? They have great insights and information that could help you with this, too.

I really hope that you can feel some peace over this, Change2014, and find a way to bridge that gap that you are having with your Mom 

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Change

I am sorry to hear that the situation went wrong this way. Conflicts with pwBPD are so much harder to negotiate than with others aren't they?

It's commendable that you want to resolve the conflict even if it is not really your fault. Sometimes I take the 'peace at any price' line of thought.

I remember hearing a saying once that seemed to fit - "I'd rather be happy than right.' It's a fine line. You don't deserve to have a low blow aimed at you nor to have past dealings brought up but as Rapt Reader points out, someone wBPD feels things differently, right or wrong. And their feelings are as true to them as yours are to you.

Sometimes adhering to our rights can prevent peace. A boss I used to have told me "At times you just gotta wear it" And there is a great deal of relief when not in conflict.

Also it can be the catalyst to better relations in the future.

I was estranged from my brother for many many years and his treatment of me had been abominable at times. Still i reached out and apologised for the things I truly believed I did wrong and, although I felt he owed ME an apology (or 5!) I did it anyway because I wanted the rship more than I wanted to remain estranged. It has borne incredible fruit and we are much better now than ever.

Of course that's no guarantee I just wanted to let you know I feel for you and can totally see your perspective.

Good luck and do update this to let us know what ensues.

Ziggiddy

[Change2014]

Thank you Ziggidy and Rapt Reader.  It is really hard for me to suck it up and apologize when I don't feel in the wrong.  I just get exhausted by the over-exaggeration and your posts helped me to see that my mom  is in fact in pain.  I might not agree with it logically, but her version is that she was hurt.  And I can't do anything to change that other than apologize.  I did and it seemed we moved on.  The whole incident came up again today, and I just said, you know we both apologized, agreed to forgive and move forward.  I just repeated that a couple times and she seemed to accept it, at least for now.  Not much else I can do. 

[unortel]

They way I see a BPD is a child like traits. Their primary motivation is attention, power-to get you to change or see it their way, revenge, or disability- "i can't help the way I am or You caused me to do... .

We nons tend to respond in the Parent traits, taking responsibility- I'm sorry or taking on others problems, being the martyr- I am being strong about this look at me.

When I started to move to my Adult center my response became ,"that's unfortunate you feel that way, that was not my intent."  When you say sorry to a BPD you are admitting guilt. This puts it on them.  They won't like it but as a parent personality 80% of your problems aren't even yours.  As an adult you let people handle their own. 

It is a subtle shift that is huge. Listen to your language and theirs.