why do I?

[dobie]

No one can understand why I'm still hung up over a woman who treated me like she did only very close family my T and these boards get to hear my thoughts ... .



Questions I've asked about why I still "want her" a woman who has zero love respect or compassion for me who can't even hardly acknowledge the good times over 6.5 years

I need to know I was loved but why ?  Low self esteem? Why do I need the love & adoration of a  nasty child to vilify me ?

It bugs me she will be having sex with other men/woman when she denied me for so long

I miss the arguing why ?

I miss having that close connection to another human the "support" the comradeship

I miss all the beautiful dreams we had I feel like I won't ever get them or can't do it on my own ?

I fear I won't meet someone as attractive as her again

I fear my next r/s will end the same way

I feel I need a partner but resent my own need to and partly resent them for it

I feel to old and tired to start again

I miss having someone so professionaly successful on my arm when my career is pathetic

I miss being "loved"

I miss being needed

Why could she tell me today she cheated on me with a hundred men and I'd still take her back ?

Why do I feel like I will never have someone as attractive , smart and successful as her again ?

When she met me I was a 275lb wall of muscle now I'm a 250lb wall of fat I feel old , ugly and useless

[EaglesJuju]

Hi dobie,

I am sorry that this has been so painful for you.   

Our significant others provided things that were missing inside of us. The idealization phase is so strong. It is euphoric and we tend to ruminate and crave those moments when we were loved completely. We felt so good about ourselves during those moments and when we become devalued it feels devastating. Our self-esteem takes a huge blow and in our minds, the only way to feel good about ourselves again is to have someone completely need, love, and wants us.

It is very painful and difficult working through these feelings. Many of these feelings that we have originated a very long time ago during our childhood or another relationship. A relationship with a pwBPD opens the flood gates of painful memories. 

Ultimately, we all want to feel special, loved, wanted, and important. The question is, where are we looking for those needs, inside ourselves or from other people? 

[DyingLove]

Just a quickie because I have to get ready to work here.

I was also 240 and in great shape.  I hit about 305, no exercise, no goals except trying to work the r/s and just about no income (also related to no goals and working the r/s)

So I felt like crap at the end... .feel even more like crap now.  Feeling and looking old and worn out to myself.

Damn... .for times sake, I gotta agree with NEARLY everything Dobie!  Classic BPD stuff... .yep.  Are you around my age: 59?

[dobie]

Hi dobie,

I am sorry that this has been so painful for you.  

Our significant others provided things that were missing inside of us. The idealization phase is so strong. It is euphoric and we tend to ruminate and crave those moments when we were loved completely. We felt so good about ourselves during those moments and when we become devalued it feels devastating. Our self-esteem takes a huge blow and in our minds, the only way to feel good about ourselves again is to have someone completely need, love, and wants us.

It is very painful and difficult working through these feelings. Many of these feelings that we have originated a very long time ago during our childhood or another relationship. A relationship with a pwBPD opens the flood gates of painful memories.  

Ultimately, we all want to feel special, loved, wanted, and important. The question is, where are we looking for those needs, inside ourselves or from other people?  

That's the problem how do we look inward ? How do we get these needs met from ourselves ?

[dobie]

Just a quickie because I have to get ready to work here.

I was also 240 and in great shape.  I hit about 305, no exercise, no goals except trying to work the r/s and just about no income (also related to no goals and working the r/s)

So I felt like crap at the end... .feel even more like crap now.  Feeling and looking old and worn out to myself.

Damn... .for times sake, I gotta agree with NEARLY everything Dobie!  Classic BPD stuff... .yep.  Are you around my age: 59?

I'm 37 I'm sorry you feel the same it sucks 

[EaglesJuju]

That's the problem how do we look inward ? How do we get these needs met from ourselves ?

A therapist really helps with self-awareness and finding the origin of our pain.

You have already started looking inward with your questions.    Take sometime to think about why you feel this way. A great way to do it is by not thinking completely with emotion or logic. Letting your emotions and logic balance each other. It might take sometime to get there.

Answer this question, prior to your ex did you feel like this for the majority of your life?

We meet the needs from ourselves by doing things that make us feel good. It is doing things without the approval or expectation from another person. It is solely what we want. When was the last time you did something good for yourself?

[zundertowz]

I feel the exactly same way with the exception of ever taking her back... .Im definatly co dependant and the silence in my life right right now is driving me up a wall.  For normal people restarting your life and working on yourself takes time.  Try and keep busy and continue going to T and hopefully 6 months from now this will all be a bad memory.

[dobie]

That's the problem how do we look inward ? How do we get these needs met from ourselves ?

A therapist really helps with self-awareness and finding the origin of our pain.

You have already started looking inward with your questions.    Take sometime to think about why you feel this way. A great way to do it is by not thinking completely with emotion or logic. Letting your emotions and logic balance each other. It might take sometime to get there.

Answer this question, prior to your ex did you feel like this for the majority of your life?

We meet the needs from ourselves by doing things that make us feel good. It is doing things without the approval or expectation from another person. It is solely what we want. When was the last time you did something good for yourself?

Yes eagle jitsu I did she took that away I felt safe that I had a partner that really loved me and would never leave a future a direction etc my depression was gone

She told such lies " I would never leave you " "we are meant to be "  

And at the end its not my fault my feelings have changed  i feel in my gut we are not meant to be not loved u for a year I need to think of me (as always ) bye

I don't even know what I want anymore or what make me feel good   I suppose buying a nice shirt or something was the last time I did something for me

I need to start training again I suppose but even that feels like revisiting the past and a hard climb to get back to 275lbs of muscle mass

She stopped that for me as well biatch

[EaglesJuju]

Yes eagle jitsu I did she took that away I felt safe that I had a partner that really loved me and would never leave a future a direction etc my depression was gone

I understand how hard it is to cope with the loss of feelings of being safe and secure. When you feel this way, it is understandable how you may feel that you will never find someone else again etc. As trite as it may sound, these feelings will pass once you work on yourself.

She told such lies " I would never leave you " "we are meant to be "  

I know how it can feel like lies. You were promised something that did not happen. I understand the sadness and anger.  

I have felt this exact way with my pwBPD and I am currently still working through it. My issue is that I took some of his promises and expectations at face value and treated him as if he does not have a disorder. Although I rationally/logically know that he suffers from a disorder, my emotions are set on feeling that he is non-disordered. I looked at some of his promises as coming from a logical and rational person and not a pwBPD.  PwBPD have their own perception of reality and I have perceived what "reality" is  based on his perception. I am slowly getting out of this way of thinking.

I don't even know what I want anymore or what make me feel good   I suppose buying a nice shirt or something was the last time I did something for me

I know it is hard to think this way.  Being around supportive and positive people helps.

When I think of what I should do that can make me feel good, I think about things I always loved doing and did not have the chance to do throughout my relationship.  Mainly, I think about all the stuff that my bf gave me a hard time about and then I do those things.

I need to start training again I suppose but even that feels like revisiting the past and a hard climb to get back to 275lbs of muscle mass

It may feel like you are revisiting the past starting your weight training again, but you can change what you associate weight training with. Avoiding things you once loved doing will not honestly help. Do you want to give up something that once made you happy? It can be tough to start getting into again, but think of the outcome of picking up an old hobby. How would that feel if you got back to 275 lbs of muscle mass?

[DyingLove]

She told such lies " I would never leave you " "we are meant to be "

And at the end its not my fault my feelings have changed  i feel in my gut we are not meant to be not loved u for a year I need to think of me (as always )

Same with me.  I look back on so many: I love you's, you are the most handsome man in the world, my life would be nothing without you, you are the last man in my life, we will be together forever. ETC.  ETC.  ETC.  ETC.  ETC.  ETC.  ETC.  ETC.  ETC.  ETC.

The last day I saw her, I stopped her as she was driving away from the house. She rolled down the window, I said to her: "What about the fact that I was the last man in your life and we were supposed to be together forever?"  She replied: "It didn't work out that way."  I replied:  "I didn't lie." and I walked away.  Those were the last words she heard from my mouth.  Sad,  very sad, but that's the way it went.  She's now 44 years old, and you would (in a normal world) think that someone might have their crap together and not lie.  She would NEVER NEVER NEVER work any problems out... .She also NEVER stood by me.  I feel I'm always repeating myself, but this is the crap that keeps recirculating itself through my mind... .my head is a bad place to be at times.

[dobie]

That's another lie

Why didn't you see how I am ? Or reach out to my family ?

",I was giving you space " yes seven months worth   

[Hopeless777]

She told such lies " I would never leave you " "we are meant to be "

And at the end its not my fault my feelings have changed  i feel in my gut we are not meant to be not loved u for a year I need to think of me (as always )

Same with me.  I look back on so many: I love you's, you are the most handsome man in the world, my life would be nothing without you, you are the last man in my life, we will be together forever. ETC.  ETC.  ETC.  ETC.  ETC.  ETC.  ETC.  ETC.  ETC.  ETC.

The last day I saw her, I stopped her as she was driving away from the house. She rolled down the window, I said to her: "What about the fact that I was the last man in your life and we were supposed to be together forever?"  She replied: "It didn't work out that way."  I replied:  "I didn't lie." and I walked away.  Those were the last words she heard from my mouth.  Sad,  very sad, but that's the way it went.  She's now 44 years old, and you would (in a normal world) think that someone might have their crap together and not lie.  She would NEVER NEVER NEVER work any problems out... .She also NEVER stood by me.  I feel I'm always repeating myself, but this is the crap that keeps recirculating itself through my mind... .my head is a bad place to be at times.

DyingLove:

I understand well my friend. I had a nearly 30 year marriage that changed on a time when she hit yet late 40s. After two kids and two grandkids so), I'm still picking up the pieces of my broken life. So good days... .some ok days... .still lots of bad days. We have to keep working through it all and not give up no matter how dark the Valley.

[jhkbuzz]

A great way to do it is by not thinking completely with emotion or logic. Letting your emotions and logic balance each other. It might take sometime to get there.

I've only done this a few times but it's an amazing state of mind to be in... .and it brings a lot of insight.

I know when I'm completely in my emotions - I'm either crying or angry or _________________.

                                                                                                           (fill in the emotion)

I know when I'm completely intellectual - I become enamored with all the latest theories on BPD - I think that's where all the answers lie.

But when I'm in the state that EaglesJuJu described, it's like both feeling and observing your emotions at the same time... .and then using your intellect to process it.  It just flows, it doesn't take a lot of effort.

It's pretty amazing when it happens.

[jhkbuzz]

I have felt this exact way with my pwBPD and I am currently still working through it. My issue is that I took some of his promises and expectations at face value and treated him as if he does not have a disorder. Although I rationally/logically know that he suffers from a disorder, my emotions are set on feeling that he is non-disordered. I looked at some of his promises as coming from a logical and rational person and not a pwBPD.  PwBPD have their own perception of reality and I have perceived what "reality" is  based on his perception.

God if I could resolve what's in the bold, I think I'd be done with my grieving.  It's maddening to bounce back and forth.

[downwhim]

My ex said, "I loved you for all of those 8 years, I love you now" BUT he then sent me a b/u email. MOVE ON! We are through etc... .so exhausting. I ruminate over this. I almost reread the b/u email today. What is with me? I am so strange lately.

[Infared]

I have felt this exact way with my pwBPD and I am currently still working through it. My issue is that I took some of his promises and expectations at face value and treated him as if he does not have a disorder. Although I rationally/logically know that he suffers from a disorder, my emotions are set on feeling that he is non-disordered. I looked at some of his promises as coming from a logical and rational person and not a pwBPD.  PwBPD have their own perception of reality and I have perceived what "reality" is  based on his perception.

God if I could resolve what's in the bold, I think I'd be done with my grieving.  It's maddening to bounce back and forth.

I think that everyone who comes to this forum feels that way. It is a painful dichotomy to live with.  I am grateful that I can identify with others who have this confusing internal struggle and attempt to find ways to cope with it.

[Thread]

I feel like everything you're feeling is pretty normal after separating from a pwBPD.

I definitely think therapy in or out of a relationship is needed for the nonBPD, especially if they are pron to low self-esteem or what have you.  I have anxiety and depression. Being with my pwBPD and their behaviors more than not triggers my anxiety symptoms, then depression. 

Even without dealing with those things I feel safe to say the pwBPD would try to knock down a stable individual and have success. I remember telling a therapist once if you are with a person everyday 7 days a week, for months or years. And every other day that person says you're stupid, most likely at the end of that relationship you're going to feel like you are stupid and that you were nothing without that person in your life because they were so great.  Its all part of the disorder.

Also, I think its just a normal reaction when a person we value is gone, we tend to over romanticize the relationship and forget the hard parts.

The only advice I have is to get in or continue therapy, and focus on boundaries and rebuilding yourself as an individual.  Often times in my BPD relationship I feel like I'm making so many sacrifices to avoid the outbursts or rages that I forget that I am important too.

Just from personal experience, its worse being in a relationship and being miserable with yourself and your pwBPD reinforcing the misery, then just being alone and temporarily miserable until the pain of the separation pasts.

Focus on you. We as nonBPD spend so much time dwelling and trying to fix our pwBPD that we forget that we need to give ourselves love and attention. This site proves how much we dwell on the BPD it consumes us, but thank god for this site or I would feel so very alone in this battle.

[Thread]

I just realized this is me... . this may help you or not, but read it, it may help you center your therapy. I'm going to talk to mine about this because now that I know, I definitely have always been this person in relationships.

www.psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/00011992

[dobie]

I just realized this is me... . this may help you or not, but read it, it may help you center your therapy. I'm going to talk to mine about this because now that I know, I definitely have always been this person in relationships.

www.psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/00011992

I have traits but I'm not that much of a people pleaser to be a true co -dependent

[dobie]

Its the blame that gets me , its like all her problems are my fault I failed I was not worthy as she said "I used to hang on your every word now I don't respect you "

"I'm tried of carrying you"  


Blame , resentment , anger all projected onto me when I was the one trying to make her happy .

Total selfish ingrate

[jhkbuzz]

I have felt this exact way with my pwBPD and I am currently still working through it. My issue is that I took some of his promises and expectations at face value and treated him as if he does not have a disorder. Although I rationally/logically know that he suffers from a disorder, my emotions are set on feeling that he is non-disordered. I looked at some of his promises as coming from a logical and rational person and not a pwBPD.  PwBPD have their own perception of reality and I have perceived what "reality" is  based on his perception.

God if I could resolve what's in the bold, I think I'd be done with my grieving.  It's maddening to bounce back and forth.

I think that everyone who comes to this forum feels that way. It is a painful dichotomy to live with.  I am grateful that I can identify with others who have this confusing internal struggle and attempt to find ways to cope with it.

The really maddening part is that it's all about MY thought processes. I've discovered that, particularly when I'm feeling angry about everything that happened, I've slipped into the "she's non-disordered" thinking.  I wish I could stop doing that.  When I am in full acceptance of her disorder I feel so much more at peace.

[DyingLove]

She told such lies " I would never leave you " "we are meant to be "

And at the end its not my fault my feelings have changed  i feel in my gut we are not meant to be not loved u for a year I need to think of me (as always )

Same with me.  I look back on so many: I love you's, you are the most handsome man in the world, my life would be nothing without you, you are the last man in my life, we will be together forever. ETC.  ETC.  ETC.  ETC.  ETC.  ETC.  ETC.  ETC.  ETC.  ETC.

The last day I saw her, I stopped her as she was driving away from the house. She rolled down the window, I said to her: "What about the fact that I was the last man in your life and we were supposed to be together forever?"  She replied: "It didn't work out that way."  I replied:  "I didn't lie." and I walked away.  Those were the last words she heard from my mouth.  Sad,  very sad, but that's the way it went.  She's now 44 years old, and you would (in a normal world) think that someone might have their crap together and not lie.  She would NEVER NEVER NEVER work any problems out... .She also NEVER stood by me.  I feel I'm always repeating myself, but this is the crap that keeps recirculating itself through my mind... .my head is a bad place to be at times.

DyingLove:

I understand well my friend. I had a nearly 30 year marriage that changed on a time when she hit yet late 40s. After two kids and two grandkids so), I'm still picking up the pieces of my broken life. So good days... .some ok days... .still lots of bad days. We have to keep working through it all and not give up no matter how dark the Valley.

Thanks Hopeless777.  30 years, I cannot fathom that.  How long are you B/U?  How long N/C?   Do you think it easier (mentally) because it's 30 years versus say 4 years with me?  I'm asking because of the  Newness I experience versus the roots that you have grown.  I know the other factors (kid, grandkids, etc.) make it very difficult.