My wounds

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello all:

I just wanted to tell you about my experiences with a woman who has BPD, and see what your advice would be for handling it.  First off, my experience with her started many years ago, and after a period of living together, finally decided to get married.  It was after marriage that things went downhill fast.  She became physically abusive over trivial things, to me and our dogs.  She would say things and then later on disavow saying them at all.  She would perform actions, and then later say she had not done them.  She would blame me for faults in her life; for instance, she would blame her weight gain on me, saying that I needed wasn't doing a good enough job to help her lose weight.  Controlling to the point of making me feel bad she wasn't included in outings with all my guy friends. 

I assume this started with her mother, who is VERY controlling and overbearing.  Early in the relationship she would tell my ex that I did not really love her, and other really nasty personal comments to my ex.  Couple these with extreme controlling tendencies with an eating disorder that has been going on for decades. 

So this brings me to today.  I am remarried after a divorce from her, which was NOT bad on my ex's part, but still deal with my ex.  This happened because we both worked at the same industrial company, and my ex took a position in the same department I work in.  She did this AFTER the divorce, and while it was a very minor increase in pay, decided to come here.  To this day, which it has been years, she comes over to see me for trivial work reasons.  All the work reasons could be handled without having to make contact with each other, but she still decides to come over here.  She will also throw in personal questions now and again.  Now, she is also remarried, and I thought all of this would go away when that happened, but throughout their entire courtship she still would come over here, and still does.  Why is she still doing this?  Will it ever stop? 

Thanks for the replies. 

[WideopenWorld]

Hello all:

I just wanted to tell you about my experiences with a woman who has BPD, and see what your advice would be for handling it.  First off, my experience with her started many years ago, and after a period of living together, finally decided to get married.  It was after marriage that things went downhill fast.  She became physically abusive over trivial things, to me and our dogs.  She would say things and then later on disavow saying them at all.  She would perform actions, and then later say she had not done them.  She would blame me for faults in her life; for instance, she would blame her weight gain on me, saying that I needed wasn't doing a good enough job to help her lose weight.  Controlling to the point of making me feel bad she wasn't included in outings with all my guy friends. 

I assume this started with her mother, who is VERY controlling and overbearing.  Early in the relationship she would tell my ex that I did not really love her, and other really nasty personal comments to my ex.  Couple these with extreme controlling tendencies with an eating disorder that has been going on for decades. 

So this brings me to today.  I am remarried after a divorce from her, which was NOT bad on my ex's part, but still deal with my ex.  This happened because we both worked at the same industrial company, and my ex took a position in the same department I work in.  She did this AFTER the divorce, and while it was a very minor increase in pay, decided to come here.  To this day, which it has been years, she comes over to see me for trivial work reasons.  All the work reasons could be handled without having to make contact with each other, but she still decides to come over here.  She will also throw in personal questions now and again.  Now, she is also remarried, and I thought all of this would go away when that happened, but throughout their entire courtship she still would come over here, and still does.  Why is she still doing this?  Will it ever stop? 

Thanks for the replies. 

[Haye]

Welcome to bpdfamily, WideopenWorld 

Trying to understand BPD behaviour is very difficult. Trying to understand how pwBPD understand and handle relationships, extra difficult. I have been in a relationship with a BPD (+ other diagnoses) guy (part of it living together, part as lovers or something) and even though he is one of the most self-aware pwBPD around anywhere there's much he can't explain, or in the case of relationships, stuff that *I* don't understand no matter how much he tries to explain. And of course there is a lot he struggles hard to grasp himself... .

I have also talked a lot about relationships with his ex girlfriend, suspected BPD & DID (official diagnose still pending). What both tell is me that it is possible for a BPD to just walk out of a relationship, on an impulse, making the non feel like he or she never meant anything. But both have also tried very hard to explain me how they never actually leave anyone behind like us 'nons' do. In their opinion the nons way of "either you are with me, or you're not, but you can't be both" is weird and quite black and white. Both have told me how it is possible for them to leave, and perhaps shut the person out of their minds for a while, but some where deep down they will hold on to some kind of love/attchement/fondness always. (Both of these BPDs are btw borderline waifs, so their opinions and actions are probably applicable to waifs only)

Of course, as a non, I see a bit different pattern - a case where the pwBPD sees something nice, starts hunting or gets attracted, developes a crush AND hits the stage of idealization. Then, after the fun of getting seeing how the other falls in love with them the pwBPD suddenly developes resentment. Devaluing the new person, more or less depending on the person. I think that at this very point pwBPD suddenly also remembers what they left behind.

BPD is an attachment disorder. The way i've understood is that they are very scared about being abandoned or rejected, but (like my semi-ex) do themselves their very best to cut any attachments they might have accidentally started to develope.

The non moves on, cutting away all connection. Which, from the pwBPD perspective, is painful and scaring. Both these folks I know will try to keep at least _some_ contact to the very people they have chosen to leave behind. To the degree the non is ready to.

I don't know about your ex, but perhaps she has something similar going on? She just needs to know you are still alive, there and haven't completely abandoned her, or started to hate her, or something like that.

But like I said, weird are the ways of pwBPD... .

[WideopenWorld]

Thank you for the reply Haye:

You mentioned maybe she doesn't want me to hate her, she has actually said this to me.  I told her I'd rather forget about the whole experience and move on, as the whole relationship put me in such a dark hole that I wish to never revisit it.  I told her we could not be friends, and that both of us leaving it in the past was the best idea.  She seemed very disturbed by this, like she had never caused any of the pain.  How can you be friends with someone who shows you the face of a demon and hits you until you have bruises days later?  If it wasn't for this work issue I would have talked to her for the last time years ago. 

Towards the end of the relationship she told me she was hoping that later on down the road we could possibly get back together.  Which, as our relationship fell apart seemed like a novel idea at the time.  Now, however, after being in a normal relationship I scoff at the idea of returning to something so broken. 

If she wants to hate me, which is understandable as I did NOT deal with her ways in the best manner, I would understand.  If she wanted to forget about me forever, that would be fine too.  I don't understand having this connection forever.  She has a husband, who for all outwards appearances seems like a really great guy, why can't she focus on him now?

[Haye]

How can you be friends with someone who shows you the face of a demon and hits you until you have bruises days later?  If it wasn't for this work issue I would have talked to her for the last time years ago. 

You don't have to. I think you have been very nice to try to be civilized with her on the workplace. You are right to keep your distance to avoid hurting again and also if you need to avoid being too close to her (friendshipwise), to protect yourself (or your current relationship) you have all the right to do so. Her wishes are hers only and you have no obligation to dance according to her tune. Even if it scares her that you hate her.

But yeah, it is very difficult or impossible to make sense to a behaviour and thinking of a distorted mind. Most pwBPD i've heard seem to fear very deeply that someone would hate them. And act in ways that will eventually turn even the most docile, patient and forgiving person against them. It's in the very nature of this disorder, i'm afraid.

Your ex has probably forgotten her biggest mistakes, like hurting you physically. Or maybe her mind has fabricated an alterate "memory", and actually remembers what happened with the two of you very differently than what actually happenend. That's what i've heard happens with many BPDs.

I have also understood that pwBPD can show different amounts of dissociative behaviour (or even have dissociative identy disorder). My semi-ex has both BPD & DID (dissociative identity disorder was formerly known as multiple personality disorder). IThe worst stuff i've experienced with him has happenend with a different part of his persona, a very negative and mean alter. The usual, regular him might have no recollection of what he (the mean alter) has done or said. The Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hide behaviour is in his case actually a personality that has been slplit in different alters. They remind one another a lot, which has made regocnizing the issue more difficult, and also the mean alter sometimes tries to act like the kinder parts of him. Due DID he has a very fragmented memory; any situation that has anything to do with emotions (like anger, love etc) he can to forget totally in a couple of days. Blackout.

What has helped me a lot is accepting that he was (and still is) a very broken person and it is not his fault. I don't seem him as evil, but yes he was able (and still is?) to do evil stuff -  because broken people do mean things. He didn't have a very good start in life and later in life he'd just have more really bad experiences with people. It's because of other people, broken too i guess, that his mind is a mess.

He works quite hard to fix his worst mental problems, but it is a very long and difficult road. I, otoh, try to focus on the good times i've had with him (as there was those, too) AND make sure he doesn't pull me down ever again.