Text Messaging gone wild

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Can anyone relate to this? If I didn't text my exBPDgf a goodnight message and a good morning message every day, I got grief for it. And of course, a mid-morning message, mid-day message, mid afternoon message, and an early evening message. I'm not exaggerating. It got to the point that I had to literally schedule my texting time with her so as to make sure I got all the other stuff done that I should've been doing while I was texting her. My situation may be unique because we lived far apart for most of the relationship, but still, it was so damn exhausting but I didn't dare deviate from the pattern less she'd go off on me, or worse still, leave me. We racked up 20,600 text messages in 8 months. Average of 80 messages per day, every day, for 8 months.

[Dunder]

Can anyone relate to this? If I didn't text my exBPDgf a goodnight message and a good morning message every day, I got grief for it. And of course, a mid-morning message, mid-day message, mid afternoon message, and an early evening message. I'm not exaggerating. It got to the point that I had to literally schedule my texting time with her so as to make sure I got all the other stuff done that I should've been doing while I was texting her. My situation may be unique because we lived far apart for most of the relationship, but still, it was so damn exhausting but I didn't dare deviate from the pattern less she'd go off on me, or worse still, leave me. We racked up 20,600 text messages in 8 months. Average of 80 messages per day, every day, for 8 months.

[wanttoknowmore]

These many texts a day can be very exhausting for anybody.  But, the bigger question is "why is it that she wants you to text her so often ?"  My take on this is that she has this constant anxiety and fear that she might lose you. And, therefore, she wants to reassure herself that you are still there and you are still connected with her.  Its is also exhausting for her but the fear of possible abandonment and consequent anxiety and emotional pain it could  bring is driving her to this type of behavior.  Its part of the attachment disorder.

How to deal with it ? Very very difficult... .It depends on how much of your needs are being met by this r/s and what it is that this r/s is contributing to your happiness... .she is doing something which you need... .that's why you are still in this r/s. Try to find what's that.

If it happens to me ... .In this situation, I would schedule a meeting with her in a nice park or beach... .be very gentle and supporting... .listen to her problems... .and when she has finished talking about her frustrations... .ask her ... .if she would be kind enough to give me and advice about a matter.  She will say "Of Course... .yes ... ."  Then, narrate your diffculty and say I love you but  the frequency of texting is draining my energy and affecting my work... .please guide me how we can reduce the frequency to 2 or 3 times an day and still remain connected. If she doesn't say anything... .say "please think about this and when you have the solution for me... .let me know>  And leave it there.

[FannyB]

I probably got 30 texts a day minimum during the idealization phase and I worked with her 5 days a week and saw her on weekends! That dropped drastically during the 'clinger' phase though. Whenever we broke up that was via text too. She had an aversion to answering the bloody phone then!   Did she break up with you by text Dunder?

[Jimmyfran]

I also used to get in constant trouble if I forgot to say good morning or goodnight (even if the reason for that was that I had fallen asleep due to working so many hours / or that I was flat out busy at work).

I would also get in trouble if I failed to put enough xxx at the end of my goodnight messages or if I didnt say good morning with the correct term of endearment (i.e why have you not said Good morning beautiful ?)

When I look back now its quite amusing but at the time the anxiety it caused me trying to ensure I met her ludicrious expecations no matter what other pressures I was experiencing.

They live in a world in which you can do no right and no matter what you do you dissapoint.

[zundertowz]

My ex was a constant txter... .the worst part about it is she was constantly analyzing the status of our relationship and want to txt about it all day everyday... .one of the the last fights we had was about this and how because I was avoiding the daily relationship talks she percieved this as not caring when it was me really being so friggin exhausted.  I wont even get into txting during fighting... .id rather be puched in the head than fight all day thru txts.  I really think social media and cell phones have made this illness 10 times worse.

[fromheeltoheal]

Whoa, 80 texts a day is pretty intense; I got maybe 10 and it really got in the way of me running my business, I can't imagine how far I would have fallen with 80.  Congrats on the effort!

Think of a smartphone as an umbilical cord for a borderline.  The disorder is such that a borderline MUST attach to someone to feel "whole", in fact many report that they can feel like they cease to exist entirely when they're alone.  So with modern technology a smartphone acts as an attachment machine, a psychic leash, so a borderline can "be somebody" by staying emotionally connected to at least one person.  High maintenance yes, fulfilling no, which begs the question Why did we participate?  Because it was our drug of choice at the moment and our interpretation of what was going on was that we were in the relationship of our dreams and all of our needs were being met.  What can we do to not go there again unless it's real?

[Invictus01]

100+ almost every day for 6 months straight. Which dropped to less than 10 over night at the 6 month mark. Then to about 2-3 the last a couple of days. Within 2 weeks I went from the "100+ texts" status to the "gone" status. Yep, that happened.

[Mister Brightside]

I didn't keep count, but my experience is similar with both an NPD a year and a half ago and a BPD/NPD in late 2014/early 2015. I can't put my finger on why these two were able to get so much attention from me, because there are so many other females I would not be interested in talking to that much, but I guess they're skilled at gaining attention since it is their drug.

And it became my drug too. Talking to them that much becomes an addiction (in the idealization stage), and once they go cold, your phone goes cold too. It's such an uncomfortable feeling losing that connection with them. It's almost as if they transferred their cluster B traits to us--making us desperate for attention after the attention we once had is gone. It feels so hypocritical of them to get upset if we don't provide them with attention, but when we are the ones who need it, our needs are meaningless to them.

[zundertowz]

I didn't keep count, but my experience is similar with both an NPD a year and a half ago and a BPD/NPD in late 2014/early 2015. I can't put my finger on why these two were able to get so much attention from me, because there are so many other females I would not be interested in talking to that much, but I guess they're skilled at gaining attention since it is their drug.

And it became my drug too. Talking to them that much becomes an addiction (in the idealization stage), and once they go cold, your phone goes cold too. It's such an uncomfortable feeling losing that connection with them. It's almost as if they transferred their cluster B traits to us--making us desperate for attention after the attention we once had is gone. It feels so hypocritical of them to get upset if we don't provide them with attention, but when we are the ones who need it, our needs are meaningless to them.

I actually feel this way now.  Im so used to constant attention and having someone care what im doing at all hours of the day that I feel empty and depressed.  I think its also why I feel worse on the weekends when I know i would be making plans to go out on Fri and Sat night... .I feel almost a relief when someone txts me and engages me in a conversation or wants to make plans... .I feel very needy like I maybe Borderline myself.

[mks10]

I would guess we would do at least 30-50 texts per day for the better part of 3 years. I do work weird hours so that was a big part of it along with her infinite insecurities. Our break-up was through text and that absolutely infuriated me. She broke up with me via text on the phone I bought for her on the plan I was paying for. How is that for lame? Of course her texting continued for 10 months and it was ALL GARBAGE. Lots of complaining about her life, hamster-wheeling, and then begging me for money. I can't believe I put up with that for 10 months as well... .it was such a relief when I finally went NC and I have been NC for almost 8 months now. It is hard to do and it hurts but eventually you find peace.

[hope2727]

Yup. If I didn't text him or call him he freaked. If I did he freaked. It was a lose lose situation. I was either being to needy and demanding or ignoring him. I would get in poop for not texting before i went to bed or responding when I was in class but then also when I did call or text I was disturbing him. Hopeless.

[FannyB]

Once, when she was in a 'won't answer the phone' phase, my simcard was shut down temporarily. I used my son's phone to call her to tell her what had happened. Despite not recognising the number she answered straight away! I could tell from her tone that she was not pleased that I had got around her 'barricade' and forced her to talk to me. How manipulative of me! 

[Infared]

I didn't keep count, but my experience is similar with both an NPD a year and a half ago and a BPD/NPD in late 2014/early 2015. I can't put my finger on why these two were able to get so much attention from me, because there are so many other females I would not be interested in talking to that much, but I guess they're skilled at gaining attention since it is their drug.

And it became my drug too. Talking to them that much becomes an addiction (in the idealization stage), and once they go cold, your phone goes cold too. It's such an uncomfortable feeling losing that connection with them. It's almost as if they transferred their cluster B traits to us--making us desperate for attention after the attention we once had is gone. It feels so hypocritical of them to get upset if we don't provide them with attention, but when we are the ones who need it, our needs are meaningless to them.

BPD is a disorder. It' can be all about power and control. Nothing more.

In many of the cases above 80-100 texts a day... .IMHO that is outright addiction ... .right in there with cigarettes, heroin and crack cocaine.

The withdrawal can be brutal.

Every time the phone rumbles, your nerve synapse fire in the pleasure centers, just like with those drugs. People are driving their cars around and looking at their phones, relentlessly.

I do not think that this is confined to people with BPD. It's an epidemic.

I have no scientific evidence to back that up. It's just my opinion.

I had a male friend who I used to have dinner with like once a month or every two weeks... .when he got his phone... .he was on it constantly, to the point that I could not talk to him and that getting together for me was a TOTAL waste of my time and (to me), downright insulting. I told him if he wanted to go to dinner with me, he would have to leave his phone in the car... .It became apparent that he could not do this and I one day informed him that I would no longer go to dinner with him. (Why would I if I had an ounce of self respect?).

It was great, I got my decision confirmed. He lived down the street from me. I live at the beach... .and one winter evening I pulled in after work. I was tired, I had a lot of stuff to carry into the house... .and it was cold, windy and raining.  He picked that moment to come around the corner in his car and put down the window to apologize and talk to me about the situation. So there I am, standing there in the wind & the rain & the cold while he sits in the comfort of his car and YES ... .he takes a call.

I told him what a selfish idiot he was and have never talked to him again. I do not know about anyone else... .but I cannot tolerate that kind of nonsense. It's selfish, it's rude and... .it's addiction. Straight up.

[Infared]

^

[ShadowIntheNight]

I am not much of a texter. My ex's and my relationship first began when texts didn't even exist. And people know not to text me, that I probably won't look at them. Having said that, my ex and I talked on the phone constantly. The big thing for her was when she was driving home from her mother's and even with her kids in the car, she would call me and expect me to talk to her most of the entire ride home. It was a 2.5 hour ride. Fortunately she didn't go but about 10 times a year. But still, that's a long freaking phone call. And another thing that makes me angry that she left the way she did. Zero credit for anything I did for her, and she runs off with a stranger. You would have to have a mental disorder... .