Feeling Guilty~Need Opinions

[felix22]

Hello community,

My status: I've posted about my uBPDso before. And, how they aren't very capable of taking care of themselves. I visit with my s.o. a couple times each week. My s.o. has two young children, both amazing, from a previous marriage. I see my s.o.'s children usually once a week for a few hours. We are not engaged or married or any such thing. The children's father makes small appearances of an hour or two almost weekly. They also have two sets of wonderful grandparents. And, my s.o.'s parents support her financially for the most part. She also has a stipend from the state that helps her out. We do not live together.

Here is why I need opinions. I feel guilty that I don't financially support her at all. I take her out on dates now and then, my treat. I also help her occasionally with cleaning her place up. However, she is still poor. I'm maybe lower middle class, income-wise. However, I come from an upper middle class family. Anyhow, my conscience keeps nagging at me. I go back and forth with my feelings of guilt. Sometimes, I can let it go easier than other times. I have come a long way from being co-dependent to seeing those issues pretty clearly for the most part, and not taking other's responsibilities on myself. However, I guess I still sometimes suffer from 'terminal-martyr-syndrome'.

Was just hoping I could get some feedback from others. I need your opinion, if you have a moment to spare. Thanks for your feedback!

~Felix22

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[felix22]

I guess what I am looking for are opinions on whether or not I should be taking care of/supporting this woman financially at all? Thanks for your honest thoughts.

[waverider]

Does she ask for help? Is she getting by?

Do not interfere with her independence to ease your own guilty feelings, they are yours to own.

You could end up creating a neediness and dependence that is not there at the moment

[felix22]

Waverider,

Thanks for your reply.

She doesn't ask for help financially. And, has actually taken a small temp job at the moment. Which is an improvement.

I'm not sure what you mean by: Do not interfere with her independence ?

She doesn't seem independent to me in some ways.

They are my guilty feelings to own, no doubt. However, doesn't our conscience guide us? I guess I'm sort of confused about whether I should stay involved, or leave, so that someone more willing and capable to care/provide for her, can.

Again, thanks for your opinions

[Cloudy Days]

Looking from the outside in, it kind of seems like you are wanting to take responsibility for her or rescue her even though no one is asking you to. You can be in this woman's life without supporting her. Not interfering with her independence means don't make her lean on you when she isn't even asking to, because it could become a problem in the future of her expecting it, if you allow it to happen. You may not think she is independent, but if you take some time to read on this board she may be much more independent than most people with BPD. When they figure out someone will support them, they will rely on it a little too much. You seem like a good guy, don't offer financial help just because you feel guilty about the situation, wanting to rescue is a very codependent trait.

[waverider]

Most pwBPD have latent neediness. Your offer to give without due cause, is similar to giving a drug to someone with latent addiction problems, it can create a need/addiction. Once that happens it is like pouring the supply into a black hole, a never ending demand that is never sated, never enough and with nothing to show for it.

Becoming a rescuer to a pwBPDs victim is one of the most common mistakes we all make. There are hidden bags, and they are heavy so be careful of offering to carry them.

It may take a while for this trait to surface, but in most cases it does eventually

[felix22]

Thanks, yeah, that does help clarify. I appreciate your replies.

Maybe she is more independent than other pwBPD, but she is completely supported by her parents and the state. It's strange, and counter-intuitive to think that the people who appear to most need help, are sometimes the last people we should. Yet, in this instance, I understand what you mean. It increases their dependence upon you.

Thanks 

[waverider]

Rescuers run the risk of enabling someone to be disabled. Its's a fine line.

[felix22]

Yes, that makes sense. She had this new temp job, 2 hours a day, 5 days a week. She did it for 4 days and then quit. In almost three years of being intimate with her, she has yet to earn any money. It triggers my guilt, as I've said. And, it also worries me that her burdens will work their way into my life. It's such a weight on the shoulders. So, I don't see her as being one of the more self-sufficient BPD's on the boards.

[waverider]

I gave up my partner even trying for  job as she can talk herself into one, and talk herself out of it even quicker. A week typically being about the max before drama starts. So living within her means is best now. Dangling a job which doesn't last, or a handout which is not guaranteed, breeds a sense of entitlement rather than potential.

The need moves up the ladder and then chaos/victim mode ensues when its withdrawn.

[felix22]

Thanks for your input waverider.