New here-- trying to cope with elderly bereaved uBPD mother and feeling guilty

[twomagi]

Dear new friends

I have been reading all the very helpful posts for a few months and have finally decided to introduce myself and tell you a bit of my story.  I hope it doesn't upset anyone. I'm not sure how much detail is helpful or not.

Where to start. Well I am an only daughter, and live a ways from my elderly mother.  My dad passed away last year.

I won't regale you with all the details of 49 years of life with my mother but my childhood home was very unpredictable, frightening place with frequent rages from my mother towards my dad and myself and rejection when I didn't consider her needs enough.  I left home as soon as I could.  Visiting always involved walking on eggshells and toeing the line.   When my husband came on the scene twenty years ago, things became far worse as my mother took a dislike to him the minute she met him and resented our relationship. She refused to talk to us at our wedding and for a year after because I brought him up to see her and my dad to discuss the wedding when she didn't want to see him, only me.  The wedding was in her opinion nothing to do with him.   Another year long exile a few years later for a crime I can't remember and then a three year one for saying I would rather not get involved in a dispute she was having with her brother.

The day my dad died, my mother took offence at my husband for expressing uncertainty about how to get the car from the carpark to the hospital entrance to pick her up, asking to see a map rather than following her directions when driving and not parking the car where she wanted him to.  This was taken as cruelty to a bereaved widow and unforgiveable abuse.  Because of this she will not allow him in her house and says she never will.  When I sent a birthday card with his name in I was told it was a sick thing to do and totally insensitive to her feelings and condoning H's cruelty and I was not to put his name in any correspondence.   This and other rages blaming me for not being there for her led me to ask for advice and 3 counsellors and a doctor all said that her behaviour is in line with BPD and possibly other PDs.  

Since I am not allowed to visit with my husband - who is now labelled as an abuser - and because I do not feel strong enough to cope with her raging about me and my husband face to face (especially as it has been a lot to take on that she probably has BPD and how it has affected my life)  I have not been to visit her since my dad's funeral.  This has created a vicious circle.  Because I haven't visited I receive frequent emails and phonecalls telling me I am no daughter, and cruel  for leaving her on her own.  And the worse she is, the less I feel able to go and see her.  She has very few friends and says it is family's job (ie mine) to look after her, but I can't leave my husband and work and do this, and also have health problems.  I try to keep in touch by email and phone to check that she is OK but she says she is not willing to be a penfriend, refuses to tell me how she is, and often gives me the cold shoulder "what do you want?" treatment telling me I have no one to blame but myself for this situation.  After all her and my dad did for me, this is how I repay them.  When I suggested we talk on skype she said she wasn't going to make life easy for me and have me leading a happy life thinking I'm caring for her by emailing and skyping when I'm not.

In a call the other day she told me  again that I have a cruel heartless streak in me, how could she end up with someone like me as a daughter and that she wouldn't treat a dog the way I have treated her, abandoning an elderly bereaved widow  and leaving them living in fear of falling or being ill.  She refuses to have an alarm etc.  - again it is family's job to check she is OK.

My mother had a very difficult childhood losing both parents and I struggle with setting boundaries  knowing that she probably is ill and can't help being like this. I care about her but have to admit that even at the age of 50 I am still afraid of her.  I am working hard on trying to detach emotionally with the help of a good therapist and trying not to let her words go deep - and can cope internally better with her rages than before I knew about BPD.  However, the guilt of not visiting since dad died is often overwhelming, especially when she is crying and saying how frightened she is, and keeps asking why I won't visit.  She says she has never done anything wrong or hurtful so why does she deserve this? Why do I hate her so much?   I can't tell her that I think she isn't well or that her behaviour is not rational and is really stressful for me.  Any sentence with the word 'you in it is received as an insult and results in more anger and distress,and any with 'I' in it (me) are disputed as being selfish. When I told her that when she was  angry I found it very stressful she said I was "pathetic" and if I couldn't have a decent relationship my own mother who could I have one with?  Obvously I have a problem.


My therapist says that my mother is so complex she can see multiple disorders at play which makes it all the more difficult. She recommends only visiting for a very short time with a friend (in the absense of husband)  but this is unlikely to be acceptable to mother ("can you only spare me 24 hours? don't bother!"  I don't feel able to go NC as I am guardian with her for my brother but even limited contact is stressful - as you can tell!

Sorry for going on for so long.  Thanks so much for listening.   Does any of this ring bells with anyone else? All advice on coping effectively gratefully received, especially in relation to the guilt about not seeing her since my dad died.  

[Kwamina]

Welcome new friend

Many of us know what it's like to have a BPD parent as you probably already know quite well since you've been reading the posts here for a few months already. Thanks for posting this introduction!

I care about her but have to admit that even at the age of 50 I am still afraid of her.  I am working hard on trying to detach emotionally with the help of a good therapist and trying not to let her words go deep - and can cope internally better with her rages than before I knew about BPD.  However, the guilt of not visiting since dad died is often overwhelming, especially when she is crying and saying how frightened she is, and keeps asking why I won't visit.  She says she has never done anything wrong or hurtful so why does she deserve this? Why do I hate her so much?   I can't tell her that I think she isn't well or that her behaviour is not rational and is really stressful for me.  Any sentence with the word 'you in it is received as an insult and results in more anger and distress,and any with 'I' in it (me) are disputed as being selfish. When I told her that when she was  angry I found it very stressful she said I was "pathetic" and if I couldn't have a decent relationship my own mother who could I have one with?  Obvously I have a problem.

When I read your story an article we have on here comes to mind about fear, obligation and guilt. Here's an excerpt:

fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Would you say your mother tries to use fear, obligation and/or guilt to get you to do what she wants? You can read the entire article here:

Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

You also mention your disabled brother and that you are joined guardian with your mother for him. Where does your brother live?

Your mother has said a lot of hurtful things to you. What might help you is to keep in mind that her words and actions aren't a reflection of who you really are at all. Odds are that your mother is projecting her own inner turmoil and negativity onto you.

I am sorry to hear your dad passed away last year. How was your relationship with him? Do you feel like your dad was aware that there is something wrong with your mother?

[twomagi]

Thank you for your welcome, Kwamina and the helpful article on FOG. Yes this is my mother's main strategy... . All three, fear obligation and guilt. I am trying to be less susceptible to this.

The bulk of my guilt comes from not seeing her dad died and the fact that a daughter would not usually leave an 82 year old bereaved widow on their own for over a year  to fend for themselves, especially after 60 years of marriage.  I feel that I should be there for her regardless of the way she treats me (and my husband) because she is my mother and because she is so unhappy and frightened.  Also her fear and anger is getting worse because I haven't visited so I find myself thinking that things would be better if I did. In reality they probably wouldn't and even if I was there all the time I probably wouldn't meet her needs.  If she had friends and other family to support her I think I would feel less guilty. This is the main area I struggle with... .the feeling that there is no one other than me to support her and I'm not doing it.  Not helped by her few friends reportedly saying I'm abandoning her.

My brother is in care in the same town as my mother.  My dad did everything my mother wanted and agreed with everything she said, even if it was untrue.  "If your mother says you/she did x you/she said/did it." He would also  deny things happened which I found confusing as a child. I was often accused of lying.   My relationship with him was generally good but my mum always told him what to say/not say to me so I never really knew the real him.    I don't think he knew there was anything medically wrong... .just that to survive you did what you were told and made sure that her needs were considered all the time.  The brandy bottle  hidden  in his fishing basket

was probably another survival skill that he developed! 

[Only Child]

yes, this totally rings bells with my own story--I also am an only child of an elderly BPD mom.  She is 93.  I don't know how long it's been since your dad died, but I get a FOG attack after just 7 months of NC with her.  I am trying to be strong and stay in NC, but I am in a lot of grief right now.  I hope you can stay with it and be strong.  I don't really know what else to say right now, as I'm going through my own FOG.  But just know that you are definitely not alone, and your instincts to separate are probably what you need to take care of yourself.  As I write this, I am also convincing myself of the same... .all the best

[twomagi]

Thank you so much for your reply, Only Child. It is a huge encouragement to know that I'm not the only one feeling such a conflict between keeping a distance for self preservation and all the FOG that comes with it when we are only children with elderly BPD parents. I'm finding the replies to your own post really helpful too.  I'm thinking of you as you work through this challenge too.

My dad died a year ago. Like you I have an April birthday (sabotaged by angry uPBD mother who phoned to say how cruel I was for not seeing her on hers) and Easter when there was another abysive call I was abandoning her at a holiday.  These occasions are particularly hard for us aren't they,  whether we are in contact or not?  It's good to know we can support one another   through them here.  Belated happy birthday to you! 

[Only Child]

yes, the support is indeed helpful here on this site... .I Like the way it is categorized into the type of relationship with the BPD, which makes the support it so much easier to relate to.  The added element being an elderly BPD mother in denial, feels like the worst possible scenario for an adult child with little (if any) sibling support, and then add to that a deceased father (my father died when I was age two, so I've spent quite awhile with my BPD mom, alone).  I wish you strength and peace and a commitment to your desire to withdraw from those feelings of insanity and confusion when in contact with your uBPD mother.