Aging BPD Mother

[Mata]

I haven't posted in a while.  Things had fallen into a bit of a routine with by BPDmom during the pandemic, where I was pretty LC, and honestly the break was nice.  But last week, she ended up in crisis again. 

My mom had been "trying out" living in an "independent living" apartment in an assisted living community in my town when the pandemic hit.  She decided it wasn't where she wanted to live.  So after she got vaccinated, and restrictions eased, she chose to move back to her hometown and live alone in her house.  I knew it was a bad idea, but I didn't fight her because it was futile.  So she hired a moving company and packed up and went home.  She made it 16 days.  Last week, her friend found her on the living room floor, non-responsive and basically comatose.  The doctors haven't determined the exact cause, but have ruled out a lot of things, like stroke.  She's regained the ability to talk, but she will have to go into rehab and then likely full assisted living. 

Navigating all this with BPD layered on top is not fun.  The struggle between doing what is safe and appropriate for her (assisted living, selling her house) versus what she wants (live alone with home health visiting 2 times/week) is real.  I know the right answer, but man, is it hard to fight my default reaction of trying to make her happy and "fix" things.  Also it's just hard to watch someone suffer and go through this part of aging, regardless of the BPD rage/guilt tripping/manipulation.  I feel so sad for her, but so frustrated at the same time.  Ugg.       

[GaGrl]

My mom is not BPD, but she has a few BPD traits and CPTSD from her full-on uBPD/NPD stepmother, who raised her. Mom is now 94, lives with us, and has moved from home health to hospice care recently. I certainly feel your pain at watching the progression of ageing -- it is very difficult.

I also know how frustrating the BPD traits can be when you are trying to support and help. Fortunately, my mom seems to have moved past her fear of abandonment and accepted that we will take care of her. She does express that she is appreciative. We have bigger problems now such as mini-strokes and hallucinations. It can get scary.

Where do you stand legally on your ability to help your mother? Do you have Durable Power of Attorney and Health Proxy?

[Mata]

We don't currently have power of attorney or health proxy.  She was resistant to it in the past because she saw it as us trying to control her, but we've had discussions in the past year where she was open to it.  So that is on our list of things "to do."  My sibling who is a physician will most likely be appointed.  I'm thankful I have a family member who understands the medical side of things, it certainly helps. 

[Methuen]

Hi Mata,

I am sorry to hear about what has brought you here, although when I first saw your post I was happy to see your name and thought to myself "it's Mata!"

So after she got vaccinated, and restrictions eased, she chose to move back to her hometown and live alone in her house.  I knew it was a bad idea, but I didn't fight her because it was futile.

Mata you showed a lot of wisdom and respect for your mom's choices, and also self-restraint.  You did the right thing.

She's regained the ability to talk, but she will have to go into rehab and then likely full assisted living...The struggle between doing what is safe and appropriate for her (assisted living, selling her house) versus what she wants (live alone with home health visiting 2 times/week) is real.

 Yes Mata, this sounds brutal.  This is also my future with my mother.  I have seen it coming for a long time.  Has your mom already been assessed while in hospital?  If not, can she be assessed by the hospital doctor or case worker either now or when she is in rehab to determine what level of care is needed?  That way it is an independent finding, and not your decision (so she can blame a doctor instead of blaming you).  The medical staff should also be the ones to tell her, not you.

I understand the sad feelings of watching your mother in decline.  My uBPD mother has been so difficult the last 15 years with her BPD (since my father became ill and died).  Now she is 85, is going blind, deaf, has mini-strokes, has heart problems, has had 4 surgeries for knees/hips/back and has severe mobility issues, sleeping disorder, a life-long eating disorder issue, osteoporosis, ADHD, probably PTSD, anxiety, Parkinson's, and is now showing early signs of vascular dementia.  She has a history of falls requiring months of rehab and home care.  She qualifies for assisted living, but has refused it.  She has a personal LifeLine alarm, but refuses to wear it.  She lives independently in her house.  Like you, I let her make her own terrible choices, and live her life the way she wants.  I support her as best I can, with boundaries for my own well-being.  Despite the BPD, I still love her, and it is so sad to see the terrible effects of aging.  It's a bunch of mixed up complex emotions including grief, frustration, and helplessness at the craziness and her irrational obstinacy.  

I hope that during this crisis, you can take one day at a time Mata.  Do you and your sister have an OK relationship?  Meanwhile, are you able to do something every day to care for your own well-being?

[Mata]

I am sorry to hear about what has brought you here, although when I first saw your post I was happy to see your name and thought to myself "it's Mata!"

Mata you showed a lot of wisdom and respect for your mom's choices, and also self-restraint.  You did the right thing.

Thank you, it is validating to hear that!  I find myself second-guessing my decision at times.  I have to keep reminding myself that her inevitable failure was a necessary part of getting her to accept that she has to sell her house.  I've spent so much of my life trying to 'get out in front of' problems, that it still feels really unnatural to step back and let her make bad decisions.   

Has your mom already been assessed while in hospital?  If not, can she be assessed by the hospital doctor or case worker either now or when she is in rehab to determine what level of care is needed?  That way it is an independent finding, and not your decision (so she can blame a doctor instead of blaming you).  The medical staff should also be the ones to tell her, not you.

She's still in the hospital and in the process of being assessed.  Her condition has waxed and waned, she was getting better and the regressed back into delirium again.  So they won't have a good handle on what she's going to need until they can stabilize her medically.  It's frustrating because we can't really make any plans for her living arrangements yet.  We are just in limbo, and that makes me anxious.  I like to have a plan!     But I agree that whatever the plan is, it can't be my decision.  That would be like jumping in front of a train.      

 
I hope that during this crisis, you can take one day at a time Mata.  Do you and your sister have an OK relationship?  Meanwhile, are you able to do something every day to care for your own well-being?

My relationship with my sister is tricky at times, but we are in a good spot right now.  Because I'm a lot older than her, and my parents were so neglectful, I was more of her parent than sister.  I've been working on changing that dynamic this past year through therapy, and it's helped.  I haven't been taking care of myself as well as I normally do.  My energy feels too depleted to exercise or spend time on my hobbies.  But I am focusing on making sure I'm eating decently and sleeping. 

[Mata]

Well my BPDmom is doing better physically, but mentally not so much.  She left me a voicemail today, started out sweet as pie, and within 1 minute started raging because she's angry at her situation, and being told that it's not safe for her to live alone like she wanted.  She told me "I ought to cut my heart out and make you drink the blood."  I think her voicemail could be a case study of BPD in a 3 minute nutshell. 

I am not going to call her back, and as much as I understand why she is acting out, it still hurts.  I feel very close to just being done with her.  I wonder, can I walk away from an aging, raging BPD? 

[Methuen]

Mata, it's so unfortunate, sad, maddening, frustrating, and despairing, that your mother left this message.  What she said is mean and abusive.

I don't know if mental imagery is an option for you?  If yes, you could create a mental picture of the disease, whatever that looks like to you (I have a mental picture of a discolored and deformed brain I use), and see if it works for you to separate this image from the image of your mother.  I had a counsellor suggest this to me as a coping strategy (to separate the disease from the person).

It doesn't change the end effect because she is still dumping her toxic her feelings on you, but it can help to take it less personally.  No one should ever say that to anyone, period, including a daughter.  She sounds very toxic.

After that phone call, I hope you can care for yourself with some extra special pampering.

I am not going to call her back

Good decision.  No point in rewarding that behavior.  Give her time to self soothe.  As much as she needs.  Meanwhile, look after yourself, and then figure out your next move.  

Also, do you still have that phone message from her?  I would record it on my phone, and play it confidentially for your doctor, her doctor, and perhaps a mental health worker or social worker at the facility where she is getting her rehab.  I have been able to find support in ways I wasn't expecting when I shared my stories with "experts" who were in a position to help me.  Every step of the way I insisted on confidentiality, so that they understood my conversations with them could never get back to my mother (can you image the RAGE that would ensue?) By doing this, I was referred to an elderly services consultant (aka mental health nurse with a Master's Degree) who really knew her stuff, listened, and gave me concrete strategies to navigate my mom.  It's been super helpful.  Just a thought.  Also, after sharing that message with a social worker at her care facility, they would understand why you are giving her time to "self soothe".