Think I'm clear

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I ran into my uBPDexgf on Saturday night. We broke up a year ago (after 5 years of a rollercoaster back and forth) and I have maintained NC most of the time. We broke up quite amicably - she needed to work on herself, "I have nothing to give. I am empty. I can't be a relationship with you or anyone, but I will work on it so we can be together". She had reverted back to depression bouts, heavy drinking, and sitting on the fence about us and the mirroring had stopped and the nasty episodes were popping up 3 times a week. In the end, I couldn't deal - "the changes" weren't changes at all and after 3 months of my inner voice saying "you deserve more than this" and her unbelievable ability to demean and devalue me about success in my new job, I called it off.

I was supportive and we stayed in touch for the couple weeks until I found out she'd shacked up with a guy twice her age who conveniently happens to be a multi-millionaire. So the "I need to work on my life" had been deferred to "daddy can look after me!". It was tough at first (until I saw the guy and then I thought yikes). What did hurt was we were in touch... . she was asking for favours non-stop and rather than mention it to me as I have to my exes or they have in the past, (we gave heads up if we move on) she refused to acknowledge it, lied about it, but took him out socially and so my friends had to tell me. I mentioned in an email when I asked for my house keys back that I felt she'd acted pretty insensitively. What did she write back? Two of the meanest emails I've ever read! They were so cruel and for no reason. In that moment I just thought - WOW! Peace out!

I had suspected she was BPD. Pretty much the same experiences as most of you over the last 5 years and I was reading up on here. No empathy, changing friends as often as I change my underwear, promiscuity, the odd whack in the head during her huge temper tantrums, mood swings, sharp tongue and consistent devaluing of me, my friends and god forbid if something good happens to me. I didn't reply to the mean emails, sent her her things and that was that. She was in touch every month - to which I didn't respond. Then she sent me the predictable text last month - super long one - I miss you. Why have you sidelined me etc... .? Can you tell me what I did wrong so I can change and apologise?" Um no... . Why don't you take a moment to reflect and think about it. In the past she's said the same and I said "Because you cheated on me at a wedding... . Then called me to pay for your flight back because you spent all your earnings at the wedding... . Then you ignored me when you got back so I ended it with you as I had no choice." She just looked at me blankly as if she had no clue what she did was wrong.

Anyway, this time I answered the text after a few days and said "I'm not going to reopen this as it just doesn't matter anymore and I don't have the energy to deal with this. I did the work, and it's behind me. I care for you, but from afar and wish you well." She responded saying she wanted to be friends. I didn't reply. I immediately thought... . Hmm, I bet she's not working anymore (she can't hold down any job for more than 6 months) and she must have been dumped by the old fella. That's when she comes crawling back. Sure enough, Bingo!

Anyway, I ran into her on Saturday night. She came over and immediately burst into tears and said "I know you hate me but... .". So I told her what I thought. She cried (well tears fell but they seemed a bit crocodile like) the whole time. I told her I felt she was very cruel and insensitive and I don't have people in my life who have zero regard for my feelings even as friends. I didn't deserve it to which she agreed. Then the "buts" rolled in. I cut her off and said we've had this conversation 20+ times - it's like watching the same movie over and over and I know the ending too well. And always when you're newly single and have lost your job. You will hurt me and let me down, even as a friend. You have shown repeatedly you have no regard for me or my feelings. You take, take, take then you turn around and treat me like dirt. You just called your best friend the C-word! Who does that? I'm not interested in the way you behave on any level and you're about a year too late to sort this out. For the first time in 5 years I feel emotional consistency - there is no more rollercoaster. I look at you and all I see is pain and I won't sign up to it again. I will never let you close to me again, and with that there is no point in hanging out. I don't do fake friendships. But look after yourself." She then said, "But you know how I am"... . I said "I do, the problem is I don't want to know that you anymore."

With that, she asked for a hug, kinda shrugged it all off, didn't apologise at all and asked me if her mascara was running and went back into the party. Even looking at her cry, I oddly felt very little. I usually suffer FOG with her, but I guess getting educated from these boards taught me to watch the situation too... . and looking at her it seriously was something I had seen a million times but I also thought she looked like she had crazy eyes... . It was kinda sad but what a black energy! Not into it and I had zero interest in any of it other than to wish her well. She is in a bad spot, but she's been in the same spot for the 6 years I've known her. I get that so I have a few seconds of feeling bad, but I've had enough practice to know I can't help her.

One thing that's happened is I do feel this is a terribly sad disorder. How awful to exist like that. I do wish her well sincerely. I wondered if I was punishing her by not letting her near me, but I'm not... . I'm loving myself enough to protect myself from that type of engagement.

I wondered if I would feel FOG yesterday or today and there's the odd empathetic pang. But not really. It's a closed case. And I wanted to thank everyone on these boards for sharing their stories and also the advice of those who managed to get out the other side. It's been amazing help.

I feel good. I'm looking after myself. I'm not overly excited about dating again but maybe because this is the first time I've taken the time to really look after myself. Also my mates are brilliant and understanding and so I have a very loving network. Here's to keeping a solid crew of love and support and laughs.

[JB8888]

I ran into my uBPDexgf on Saturday night. We broke up a year ago (after 5 years of a rollercoaster back and forth) and I have maintained NC most of the time. We broke up quite amicably - she needed to work on herself, "I have nothing to give. I am empty. I can't be a relationship with you or anyone, but I will work on it so we can be together". She had reverted back to depression bouts, heavy drinking, and sitting on the fence about us and the mirroring had stopped and the nasty episodes were popping up 3 times a week. In the end, I couldn't deal - "the changes" weren't changes at all and after 3 months of my inner voice saying "you deserve more than this" and her unbelievable ability to demean and devalue me about success in my new job, I called it off.

I was supportive and we stayed in touch for the couple weeks until I found out she'd shacked up with a guy twice her age who conveniently happens to be a multi-millionaire. So the "I need to work on my life" had been deferred to "daddy can look after me!". It was tough at first (until I saw the guy and then I thought yikes). What did hurt was we were in touch... . she was asking for favours non-stop and rather than mention it to me as I have to my exes or they have in the past, (we gave heads up if we move on) she refused to acknowledge it, lied about it, but took him out socially and so my friends had to tell me. I mentioned in an email when I asked for my house keys back that I felt she'd acted pretty insensitively. What did she write back? Two of the meanest emails I've ever read! They were so cruel and for no reason. In that moment I just thought - WOW! Peace out!

I had suspected she was BPD. Pretty much the same experiences as most of you over the last 5 years and I was reading up on here. No empathy, changing friends as often as I change my underwear, promiscuity, the odd whack in the head during her huge temper tantrums, mood swings, sharp tongue and consistent devaluing of me, my friends and god forbid if something good happens to me. I didn't reply to the mean emails, sent her her things and that was that. She was in touch every month - to which I didn't respond. Then she sent me the predictable text last month - super long one - I miss you. Why have you sidelined me etc... .? Can you tell me what I did wrong so I can change and apologise?" Um no... . Why don't you take a moment to reflect and think about it. In the past she's said the same and I said "Because you cheated on me at a wedding... . Then called me to pay for your flight back because you spent all your earnings at the wedding... . Then you ignored me when you got back so I ended it with you as I had no choice." She just looked at me blankly as if she had no clue what she did was wrong.

Anyway, this time I answered the text after a few days and said "I'm not going to reopen this as it just doesn't matter anymore and I don't have the energy to deal with this. I did the work, and it's behind me. I care for you, but from afar and wish you well." She responded saying she wanted to be friends. I didn't reply. I immediately thought... . Hmm, I bet she's not working anymore (she can't hold down any job for more than 6 months) and she must have been dumped by the old fella. That's when she comes crawling back. Sure enough, Bingo!

Anyway, I ran into her on Saturday night. She came over and immediately burst into tears and said "I know you hate me but... .". So I told her what I thought. She cried (well tears fell but they seemed a bit crocodile like) the whole time. I told her I felt she was very cruel and insensitive and I don't have people in my life who have zero regard for my feelings even as friends. I didn't deserve it to which she agreed. Then the "buts" rolled in. I cut her off and said we've had this conversation 20+ times - it's like watching the same movie over and over and I know the ending too well. And always when you're newly single and have lost your job. You will hurt me and let me down, even as a friend. You have shown repeatedly you have no regard for me or my feelings. You take, take, take then you turn around and treat me like dirt. You just called your best friend the C-word! Who does that? I'm not interested in the way you behave on any level and you're about a year too late to sort this out. For the first time in 5 years I feel emotional consistency - there is no more rollercoaster. I look at you and all I see is pain and I won't sign up to it again. I will never let you close to me again, and with that there is no point in hanging out. I don't do fake friendships. But look after yourself." She then said, "But you know how I am"... . I said "I do, the problem is I don't want to know that you anymore."

With that, she asked for a hug, kinda shrugged it all off, didn't apologise at all and asked me if her mascara was running and went back into the party. Even looking at her cry, I oddly felt very little. I usually suffer FOG with her, but I guess getting educated from these boards taught me to watch the situation too... . and looking at her it seriously was something I had seen a million times but I also thought she looked like she had crazy eyes... . It was kinda sad but what a black energy! Not into it and I had zero interest in any of it other than to wish her well. She is in a bad spot, but she's been in the same spot for the 6 years I've known her. I get that so I have a few seconds of feeling bad, but I've had enough practice to know I can't help her.

One thing that's happened is I do feel this is a terribly sad disorder. How awful to exist like that. I do wish her well sincerely. I wondered if I was punishing her by not letting her near me, but I'm not... . I'm loving myself enough to protect myself from that type of engagement.

I wondered if I would feel FOG yesterday or today and there's the odd empathetic pang. But not really. It's a closed case. And I wanted to thank everyone on these boards for sharing their stories and also the advice of those who managed to get out the other side. It's been amazing help.

I feel good. I'm looking after myself. I'm not overly excited about dating again but maybe because this is the first time I've taken the time to really look after myself. Also my mates are brilliant and understanding and so I have a very loving network. Here's to keeping a solid crew of love and support and laughs.

[Heldfast]

JB8888, I felt myself getting stronger, reading that post, and trying to visualize myself in that position, saying the things you said. Thank you, and good luck to you in this, and in all life.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I ran into my uBPDexgf on Saturday night. We broke up a year ago (after 5 years of a rollercoaster back and forth) and I have maintained NC most of the time.

... .

For the first time in 5 years I feel emotional consistency - there is no more rollercoaster. I look at you and all I see is pain and I won't sign up to it again. I will never let you close to me again, and with that there is no point in hanging out. I don't do fake friendships. But look after yourself." She then said, "But you know how I am"... . I said "I do, the problem is I don't want to know that you anymore."

... .

Not into it and I had zero interest in any of it other than to wish her well. She is in a bad spot, but she's been in the same spot for the 6 years I've known her. I get that so I have a few seconds of feeling bad, but I've had enough practice to know I can't help her.

... .

I do wish her well sincerely. I wondered if I was punishing her by not letting her near me, but I'm not... . I'm loving myself enough to protect myself from that type of engagement.

... .

I feel good. I'm looking after myself. ... .Here's to keeping a solid crew of love and support and laughs.

JB8888, words aren't adequate to applaud you for the man you are being today.  You are living what, I assume, so many of us on the Leaving Board are seeking.  You are standing for yourself.  Not against her but for yourself. Not punishing her, just taking care of you, knowing you "don't want to know her anymore."  Knowing you can't be with her and take care of you. 

Your experience is why I am here.  Your "today" is where I am headed.  Thank you for doing the hard work you have done and for being the living, breathing, and "CLEAR" PROOF that this is possible.  You have done it.  Thank you.  Well done, JB8888, very well done. 

[ReclaimingMyLife]

"But you know how I am"... . I said "I do, the problem is I don't want to know that you anymore."

As a reminder that I may never forget, I am texting myself the line "I don't want to know that you anymore."

[LimboFL]

Hats off to you, sir. What I wouldn't give to have the opportunity to express everything you did to your ex, to mine.

[felix22]

Great post! Well said, and inspiring. Keep up the good work. Thanks

[hope2727]

Thanks for the the post. So much honesty and clarity. It is helping me in ways you can't begin to understand. I am glad you are so strong. I hope I can be that strong too one day soon.