how to prevent my resentment?

[rise_up]

A couple of thoughts... .

1- do any of you have spouses/partners wBPD that just talk till your ears want to die? My SO wBPD has a tendency to explain one thing 100 different ways and I start feeling my mind turning into jelly. This not only happens during deregulation but just in general... .even when she is calm. I have slipped once or twice by stopping my listening... .and a rage ensued that I didn't care at all about her job because I make more than her and she thinks her job is harder than mine. A lot of "you owe me" from her than causesy guilt. I just get irritated with all the talking... .is this appropriate to set boundaries?

2- my SO during her rages is incredibly callous and throws very venomous words out. And she knows it. I don't think she knows how much healing I have to do in between. She describes her boss as a monster who yells and throws things and points fingers at him. While I know that is wrong... .I am dumbfounded when she describes him because I think "are you kidding? You do equally bad things when you're upset!" She also says and does things that make me think "wow... .I'm just mildly agitated... .but if I ever did that or said that to you... .we would not be laughing... .you would be very agitated and borderline raging" I just don't want any resentment to build from my side... .

I think both of these involve radical acceptance? Thoughts anyone?

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[Hmcbart]

Hello Rise,

I don't really have any answers for you about how to keep from becoming resentful. I just wanted you to know that someone is there for you and listening. I have been married to an udBPD for 17 years and fight everyday with myself to keep from becoming resentful.

I get very angry with myself for putting up with some of the things she said and done. As far as I know she has never cheated but it isn't because we have an active sex life (anger issue for me), when she rages she can get verbally abusive (anger issue for me), she rarely shows me any kind of affection until I ask her to (anger issue for me), & everything is my fault (anger issue for me). You can see where this is going.

I love her today just as much as the day I met her (reason to not be resentful), she is the mother of my two sons (reason to not be resentful), I think she is the most beautiful women on the planet (reason not to be resentful).

I have every reason in the world to be resentful of my wife and the way she treats me at times. I also remember every reason why I don't resent her. I'm an optimist so the good will always out weigh the bad. The reasons to not be resentful are there. Sometimes you have to clear away a lot of negative emotions to find them, but they are always there waiting to be found.

[ColdEthyl]

Rise_up,

1. Yes. My dBPDh rambles on and on and on sometimes. He does it during regulation, but also when he is excited/upset/knows a lot about something. When he drinks, it's a lot worse. Usually what i do once the conversation starts circling the wagon (repeating himself over and over), I turn my attention to what I'm doing but keep an ear open... .if he thinks I am not listening and says something... .I repeat back what he said to me. He used to become dysregulated if he thought I wasn't listening, or if I tell him he's repeating himself.

I believe this is part of radical acceptance. He doesn't do it on purpose... .it's like a hamster gets stuck on a wheel and he just goes and goes and goes. He has told me before he has racing thoughts, like a 1,000 thoughts a second. It seems like a common symptom among pwBPD.

2. The rages are a bit different. Mine will also spew out vile and venomous things... .but that has been decreasing drastically for me this past few months. Using the tools here, if he starts being nasty, I remind him I will not tolerate his being mean, and I will not participate in the conversation if he does so. As far as the name calling itself, none of that bothers me because it's a common symptom among pwBPD, and he truly doesn't mean to. They are trying to deal with the bad emotions and they suck at it. It used to. It used to hurt me a lot, but now since I know where it comes from it doesn't have any power over me.

I would say you do not have to radically accept name calling. You should expect it to happen, but if it hurts you, I would put up boundaries to deal with it.

[misuniadziubek]

1- He doesn't go off on any particular topic but when he does talk he wants me to pay 100% attention. We'll be quiet for a bit and then suddenly he'll say something, I miss it and he gets very dysregulated over it.

"No, please, F*** with your phone. You don't have to pay ANY attention to me. This is why I NEVER want to tell you anything."

The reaction I have to anything he says is everything. On the other hand he accuses me of going off about things that bore him or that I repeat myself. I look for clues to him understanding what I'm saying but he never gives me any so I attempt to explain it another way. He will then tell me that I'm socially awkward and that I bore people or if I confront him about not responding. "What do you want me/expect me to say? I've already heard this 100x." And so at some point I stopped even attempting to talk to him because anything he has to say is super interesting. Anything I have to say is either 'retarded' 'stupid' or 'boring'.

He's confronted me in front of his best friend on it once too. I was telling them a story about sBomething that happened to me at work and he just went off on me saying that his friend heard the story and is tired of listening to me but wants to be polite. If on the other hand I picked at anything he says to anyone in public, he'd get extremely offended and angry. I guess that's just regular old emotional abuse.

So maybe no. But regardless. This does require radical acceptance. They can't handle the idea of their own flaws a lot of the time and get easily offended.

2- My SO is like this as well. The worst part is that sometimes he keeps going and I simply have to leave the situation. The name calling is too much. I am trying to gain the courage to enforce boundaries on that because it feels terrible and no one I know would put up with that. The irony is of course that if I talked to him EVER the way he talks to me, he gets incredibly angry, defensive, raging. Sometimes I break. Sometimes I say exactly what he would say to me in a particular situation. And it's like watching a puppy lose the spark in their eye. Last night before bed while we were cuddling he told me that he wants to feel close to me, but when I'm like that [act exactly like he would in a given situation] he feels so distant from me and it causes him pain. Cue overprotective parent feelings.

The part where we set boundaries is extremely important. We can only put up with so much before we are sucked dry. The part where we don't retaliate, where we try to validate and avoid invalidating... .that's radical acceptance. This is what's going on in their mind and we can't change that. We can only use the TOOLS to decrease the conflict.



I'm going to say that my best advice would be to regularly reflect on what's going on with you. Be mindful of your posture, body language, breathing, and heartbeat whenever you start to feel resentful. Reflect on the thoughts going through your head. Don't analyse, just accept. This is how you are feeling. You have a right to feel this way. It's okay to feel so strongly. Don't judge yourself over it. Be open to experiencing those feelings. Find out what triggers them the most intensely.Reflect on how you'd prefer to feel when she is dysregulating. Reflect on how you'd like to see yourself respond, rather than react to the dysregulation.

Every interaction includes two people. Be present and mindful.

Don't focus on the hypocrisy of the situation.

She also says and does things that make me think "wow... .I'm just mildly agitated... .but if I ever did that or said that to you... .we would not be laughing... .you would be very agitated and borderline raging"

Be grateful that you react in healthier ways. Reflect on how much better you handle criticism now than you did before, how much better you are at coping. It's not even about comparison.

Resentful thoughts like that? It's like a horse thinking "If I got on top of you like you do me, you'd crumble in an instant." This doesn't necessarily mean that you are better in all aspects, just that your internal ability to regulate your emotions allowed you to grow to healthy proportions and gave you the ability to handle them.

This is how she deals with things. You are aware of it. You can accommodate her and validate her if it's positive for you, or you can enact boundaries and  leave the negative situation if trying to accommodate her will affect you negatively.

You have free will and choice. You aren't a victim.

[vortex of confusion]

1- do any of you have spouses/partners wBPD that just talk till your ears want to die? My SO wBPD has a tendency to explain one thing 100 different ways and I start feeling my mind turning into jelly. This not only happens during deregulation but just in general... .even when she is calm. I have slipped once or twice by stopping my listening... .and a rage ensued that I didn't care at all about her job because I make more than her and she thinks her job is harder than mine. A lot of "you owe me" from her than causesy guilt. I just get irritated with all the talking... .is this appropriate to set boundaries?

YES, my spouse talks like that. I even wrote a blog post about it one time. He even read my post and had no idea that I had him in mind when I wrote it. We had a nice discussion about how some people will go on and on like that. This was several years ago. Inside, I wasn't sure if I wanted to laugh my butt off or scream.

If you are good at multitasking, I have found that I will multitask. I will listen to just enough of what he is saying to be engaged and provide a response but will stay checked out enough to entertain myself in my head.

Does anybody remember the show Lamb Chop? There was a song on it called "The song that doesn't end". The lyrics are simple: This is the song that doesn't end. It goes on and on my friends. Some people started singing it not knowing what is was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end.

I have had that song playing in my head soo many times when my husband starts talking. It is even funnier when somebody else gets him to talking because it is like that song. they got him to talking and he is going to keep talking because he is the man that never shuts up. When he does shut up long enough for somebody else to get a word in edgewise, he will lose interest, change the subject, or fall asleep.

2- my SO during her rages is incredibly callous and throws very venomous words out. And she knows it. I don't think she knows how much healing I have to do in between. She describes her boss as a monster who yells and throws things and points fingers at him. While I know that is wrong... .I am dumbfounded when she describes him because I think "are you kidding? You do equally bad things when you're upset!" She also says and does things that make me think "wow... .I'm just mildly agitated... .but if I ever did that or said that to you... .we would not be laughing... .you would be very agitated and borderline raging" I just don't want any resentment to build from my side... .

Yep, mine called me the b word one morning. I don't even remember why. I called him on it and told him not to talk to me like that. That turned into a fight that lasted almost all day. He swore up and down that he did NOT call me the b word. At some point, he finally said, "I didn't think I called you that. I thought I just said it in my head." So, he was perfectly convinced that he just thought it but never said it. There have been several times like that over the years. I am not sure what changed but now he will say stuff like, "You said it happened so it must be true. I don't remember it."

And, I have had him go on and on about how bad other people have treated me. I lost it one time and told him, "I can't friggin' believe you. You are sitting here complaining about so and so treats me, yet the things that you say and do are worse than that."

There is a lot of radical acceptance involved. However, there must also be boundaries. I do not think that it is okay to let other people call you names and abuse you. Try to pay attention to which behaviors are abusive and which ones are just annoying. Create boundaries to put a stop to the abuse. After you get that stopped, then you can figure out what to do about the stuff that is annoying but doesn't really qualify as abuse.

I think both of these involve radical acceptance? Thoughts anyone? [/quote]

[Michelle27]

In so many roundy round "discussions" over the years that went on for hours and never resolved a thing (always about HIS complaints with me never getting a turn to talk about my concerns) this drove me nuts.  And to top it off, he would go onto rage about how I turned on the "fire hose of words" onto him.  Projection, much?  To be fair, there were times that I did try explaining things in different ways to hopefully get him to understand before I knew about JADE but he was always the "fire hose".  I think it's common in BPD land.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

A couple of thoughts... .

1- do any of you have spouses/partners wBPD that just talk till your ears want to die? My SO wBPD has a tendency to explain one thing 100 different ways and I start feeling my mind turning into jelly. This not only happens during deregulation but just in general... .even when she is calm. I have slipped once or twice by stopping my listening... .and a rage ensued that I didn't care at all about her job because I make more than her and she thinks her job is harder than mine. A lot of "you owe me" from her than causesy guilt. I just get irritated with all the talking... .is this appropriate to set boundaries?

I wish my uBPDw would have stopped at 100... .When I bring up that we've discussed something previously (i.e. hundreds of times) she say she's just "clarifying", even though nothing new has been said after the first 10 times we've discussed it.

She can't seem to separate Understanding Her & Agreeing with Her.  If it's a topic not about our rs then she'll usually end with "well, you just need to read this... .or listen to that... ."  Because obviously to her if I just had all the information she had then I would agree with her.

If it's about our rs then it get's personal.  I've agreed to not go out to lunch with old co-workers (just 1-1 lunches with the opposite sex), but because I think it's ok then of course she can't trust me.  It's interesting to hear the thought process when she expresses it... .If you think that's ok, then you must think going out for drinks after work with a woman is ok, so you must think it's ok to date someone else while we're married, which is how so many affairs get started, so why don't you just leave me now... .

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I'm the NON, but I often get accused of "rambling on" or over explaining. I think I do this because BPDh never seems to see any side but his own. I'm only trying to get him to see that I have feelings too, and that we can agree to disagree, or try to get him to empathize. It's hopeless, of course. He doesn't seem to be able to see any side other this his own(or his grown kids), and he has real issues with communication of any sort. His lack of communication skills are also causing trouble for him now at work, so I know it's not just me.

I need to work on "not rambling", not because it's wrong, but because it's a total waste of my time and energy. He's like talking to a wall. He chooses not to listen. Why communicate with someone who refuses to listen, and has such black/white thinking that it's useless? Couples without BPD as a factor may deal with this occasionally, but with us, it's severe, and it's with everyone in his life. It's in all his interpersonal relationships apparently.

I can't relate to being resentful over a BPD who wants to communicate, because my BPDh can't communicate at all without extreme anger or dysregulating.

[PurpleSkies]

I don't have a lot to add here right now, apart from saying a big THANK YOU to you all. I have been driven nuts by these types of conversations. My wife, when even slightly dysregated, will not stop talking for a sec. In the past, I have screamed 'please listen to me for one minute and stop interrupting me!', but I now realise that she just can't. In those states, she is just unable to hear me, and it just is. Doesn't mean that I don't feel anger at times, but it is a trigger for me - that just is too.

Anyway, I feel more sane and in good company now. Ta very much.

[Loosestrife]

Nons give so much validation, patience and listening time , but it often seems like a one way street. I have a tendency to repeat myself when I'm anxious too.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

I can't relate to being resentful over a BPD who wants to communicate, because my BPDh can't communicate at all without extreme anger or dysregulating.

If only "wants to communicate" was the same as "wants to talk"... .

[ColdEthyl]

I can't relate to being resentful over a BPD who wants to communicate, because my BPDh can't communicate at all without extreme anger or dysregulating.

If only "wants to communicate" was the same as "wants to talk"... .

Hear hear!