Flirting? Or... Making Mountain Out of Molehill? Overreacting?

[LRS1969]

First of all, should point out that spouse and I have had some degree (usually milder) problems since mid 2000s which broke open into a more major problem in late 2013 which led to me separating for a couple months or so.

My concern here is that if there is some type of flirtatious behavior going on (even if not recognized by my spouse as such or not, or if felt to be "harmless fun" that I be able to either "nip in the bud" or at least be fully aware of what is happening. And maybe realize that this "maybe" should be posted on a different Board (like maybe the "Undecided" Board?).


I felt that this would be a proper place to post as what is going on is a form of a date... . just not a "date" involving the spouse! 


This situation is a mixed league (MF /MF) bowling league that bowls on a weekend night. It involves just one partner (spouse - who was previously paired up not with current bowling partner, but a relative - who has since been replaced by a "sub" who is a close friend of the other male on their team).

I am not only not involved (not asked to be - quite specifically), but am actively discouraged from going at all.

Particulars:

It is a bowling league environment where everyone else is doing high fives (strikes or difficult spares picked up), or fist bumps (spares not made), that most of the times he, my spouse's partner, (who started out as a sub and I don't know at all - nor did she, until now anyway; he's a close friend of the other male on this MF / MF team) and my spouse instead do this with JUST each other... .

One will hold their hand out flat and horizontal with palm up. When the other responds with their hand out flat and palm down, instead of a high five, they slide their fingertips across the other's palm and fingertips in a single soft stroking movement. It is a modification of the "gimme skin" maneuver that (like high fives, slapping five, fist bumps, etc.,) came from the "dap greeting".

And that's whether it's a high five situation or a fist bump situation. (The gimme skin move - especially as modified - does, I understand, have supposedly flirtatious connotations when done between opposite sexes)

This is what is done by them instead of high fives / fist bumps well over 90% of the time.

And either of them can / does initiate it.

No high fives or fist bumps hardly ever... . just this.

I haven't really paid much attention before now as there's only been like 4-5 games to this point (where I have casually stopped by... . and yes, done in front of me as it appears to have become so natural), but it's hit me how consistent it is and has me now wondering if that action is a flirting maneuver (especially as it is only done softly and not "macho" or with exuberance).

And especially with the fact that they DO perform high fives and fist bumps with the other members of the team (and with persons on the team that is being played occasionally) as when appropriate - and never does the "palm stroke" with them!

BTW, I only see any of the other bowlers doing high fives or fist bumps (or occasional double high fives or hugs between obvious "partner couples". I haven't seen any others do this "palm / fingertips slide".

Simply having fun?

Meaningless good time?

Or some degree of flirting (even if at simply some subconscious level)?

My wife as a history of being highly naive and innocent of the activities of others (throughout our relationship there were instances of mistakenly interpreted but clear to any normal person that it was an outright HMU pickup attempt... . rhetorically could have had dire consequences - and not exaggerating either: in one instance she approached a guy that she THOUGHT she knew slightly and began super nicely chatting away; not him... . a complete stranger - who took her by the elbow and started steering her outside the store suggesting that they "go get a drink"; she was so stunned that all she could think to say - I think she still thought it was the guy she / we slightly know - was "well, we should ask my husband first", as I was walking around corner of nearby aisle just then - thankfully as they were about 15' from store exit... . and the guy released her and literally took off running out the store and completely through the parking lot - obviously didn't want me to see the car he got into... . I could relate numerous similar incidents from over the years).

Anyway, while it "is" possible that this is being done mutually and with eyes wide open, it is just as possible that this sweetly modified gimme skin (and chatting, etcetera) move was started by him and she just went along with it, not grasping its significance or that he was doing it just with her and that other bowlers do not use that gesture.

But... . am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

Or indeed a form of flirting?

Thank you.

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[foggydew]

In many ways, I think I'm like your wife ... . I don't notice these things. What you mention has happened to me often and my ( now dead) husband and I laughed a lot about it. And there were some people with whom I shared a kind of intimacy which never threatened my relationship, just made me feel good as a woman and gave much needed self confidence.

However, it is really easy to fall into the trap onesself of giving such actions much more meaning than they warrant, especially if there is insecurity in the relationship. Why don't you make it open with your wife, and laugh a bit with her about it ... . tease her a little in a positive way?