Hating the black/white push/pull struggle:(

[Lovingme35]

Hello. Although this is my first post. I am not that new to this board. I have been reading the stories and following the advice given for about a month. I have been been dating someone with undiagnosed BPD for about a year now. My first clue that something was wrong, was after our first date. He came on very strong and before we even had a second date, was planning a vacation for us across the country. We have very intense high's and lows in our relationship. He has broken up with me four times now that I can count. Each time unpredictable and centered around environmental stress that was occurring at the time. This last time was so surprising, that I began researching all of the behaviors that he exhibited. That is how I found this site. Our current relationship status is a joke. We are friends with benifits that are not allowed to see other people. So pretty much we are still bf/gf but I can't let him know that. Putting distance in between us keeps me in the white mode.

Over the last few weeks I have began to realize when I am headed to black. Using the tool of validating has been a godsend. I have spent a lot more time listening more to what he is trying to say and voicing what feelings this may be causing in him. He does a lot of projecting. Last week he mentioned how bad I am about communicating (I actually have no problems communicating). After listening, I offered to go see someone about this, and asked if he would go with me. He agreed! We have an appointment next week and I let the therapist know in advance what was really going on. I am hoping this is a huge leap in us having a healthy relationship.

It has not been easy. There are many times that I have simply just wanted to walk away. A lot of things that no one else would have put up with. My friends gave up on him a long time ago, and urge me to find a healthy relationship with someone else. I have quit telling them any details about us and know nothing about his BPD.

The good days still outweigh the bad. Very few get to see the hard, cold, unemotional monster that lies beneath his skin, and when that cute sensitive little boy comes out, I just melt.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Sorry for the slow response.

Good to see that you have finally decided to post. It is obvious you have been doing your research on this.

The constant push/pull inconsistencies can be very infuriating indeed. They will probably always frustrate you, that is normal. if you keep practicing the tools and keep your mind on the bigger picture hopefully you can prevent frustration turning into resentment, which is the real killer.

It is a hard road but sounds like you are off to a good start



Waverider

[waverider]

Also read up carefully about the pros and cons of joint counselling, it can turn into  a blamefest.

[despr8]

Hi Lovingme35, you are definitely blessed to find this site for the tools you need early on... .really to help yourself because my wife of 15 years has BPD and  the last 3 years have been very hard on me . I almost had a nervous breakdown not long ago and this site really helped me find some answers I have needed for some time. A lot of my wife's family members have BPD including my Mother-in-law who is now bedridden now and living with us . my wife is her caregiver . but now since my wife's diagnosis 3 years ago it has been very difficult to get along with her and is very demanding on my sanity. I am being very frank with you because according to what I heard you say, you are not married to him and for you that could be a good thing. if you are willing to set your feeling and aspirations aside for his then that's great but I would suggest counting the cost of your future before you decide. I am not trying to be negative just truthful. in all honesty its possible for him to be treated and be able to have a healthy relationship with you but this disorder is very unpredictable. it's like a tornado!

good luck and if you would like any advice let me know, despr8