When I'm being watched while completing a task I crumble

[FracturedReality]

The only exception is if I'm a master of the task, or the other person has NO IDEA about it.



If I'm being trained on something, I fall apart and look like a god-damn idiot. If I'm left alone, I can do okay. Asking for help is terrifying to me. I know this is due to my dad, who would make a big deal about every little thing, and if you made a tiny mistake, he'd go on FOREVER about the right way to do it, and why NOT to do it the way I did.


this is truly messing up my professional life now. I'm being trained on how to fix machines, and it's not an exact science so much a mix of impromptu solutions and large base reservoirs of knowledge. The guy training me tends to be understanding, but if he's actually watching me, I freeze and my mind just seizes up... .At the same time, I need him there to guide me as I'm learning.


I know I need to relax, breath, and let the anxiety go... .but I can't, I'm so afraid of a tiny mess up.

[FracturedReality]

I guess I'm asking for any advice you might have here.

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, FracturedReality,

I had something like this problem when I was studying to get my music degree. (My problem had more to do with suddenly losing all my authority with my music students when I was "observed" for my pedagogy class - because my uBPDmom used to berate me when I would say anything to my younger siblings that she considered was Mom-only language.) It took a long time for me to get confident and shed that inner fear reaction. Therapy helped. Do you see a T or other wise adviser? Someone who knows you well may have practices/exercises/other ideas to help you specifically.

[FracturedReality]

Hi, FracturedReality,

I had something like this problem when I was studying to get my music degree. (My problem had more to do with suddenly losing all my authority with my music students when I was "observed" for my pedagogy class - because my uBPDmom used to berate me when I would say anything to my younger siblings that she considered was Mom-only language.) It took a long time for me to get confident and shed that inner fear reaction. Therapy helped. Do you see a T or other wise adviser? Someone who knows you well may have practices/exercises/other ideas to help you specifically.

No, I don't.


I should look into that, I guess

[claudiaduffy]

Several folks here would recommend it. Especially if it's affecting your job. And there's absolutely no shame in it! It's like physical therapy to get over injuries sustained in a car wreck. You sustained internal injuries from your dad, and now it's time to get them worked out so you can be the freely-operating person you want to be.

[Panda39]

Hi FracturedReality,

I'm with claudiaduffy, my son suffers from social anxiety and he was really stuck and was beginning to get depressed.  Very little social life... .wants more of one... .but scared and unsure about what to do to get it... .so he has a little social life... .ends up depressed.

He just started Therapy 2 months ago and I think just reaching out has helped he seems happier, I think that he feels good about tackling this issue.  

He's been having weekly sessions at the Therapist's office.  The therapist has been giving my son small tasks, for example eating at a restaurant is stressful for him and she had him give it a try.  We went to a place were we get take out so he is familiar with the food and ate in instead.  My son picked the most hidden table in a corner and got through dinner... .he took dessert home.   We went back the next week and he did better, a couple of weeks later we went to a different place and he did well there too.  

His latest task is to ask someone (who isn't his mom!) to go to the movies. (But I wanted to see the new Avengers movie!  :'()  He's unsure and uncomfortable right now but I know once he's ready he'll go for it.

We have a don't ask and he will tell if he wants to policy about the Therapy sessions so I don't really know what they're working on there.  I hope he's getting help with his self confidence.

Anyway I just wanted to tell you that Therapy can be helpful when you feel stuck and it's not scary but can be challenging... .I bet you're up for it.  

[beefree]

Fractured Reality

It recently clicked with me that the "performance pressure" to be perfect that I feel is a direct result of being fearful of a blowup by uBPD Mother... .because she'd often scream about things not done or not perfect... .but that her blowups in reality had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with her own internal struggles.  Perfect behavior on my part or no, she would have had her storms because she never dealt with her issues and took them out on everyone around her.

You were hired for a job... .because they obviously feel that you ARE able to do this job, to learn how to fix these machines.  If they didn't believe you could learn to do it, they probably wouldn't have hired you.   

The biggest hurdle is redefining your self-worth not through someone else's eyes, or even based on your performance, but just your value as a human being deserving of respect and love. Failing at performaing a task doesn't mean YOU are a failure as a person.  A T could certainly help work through that stuff.

Blessings!

[FracturedReality]

Thank you (everyone) for all your advice.


The crazy part is that I only realized that I had all these issues as a result of my dad because of my Ex who's dBPD. I, in a twisted way, have to be thankful that she bait and hooked me. If it wasn't for the experience of her (totally normal, and infact freaking awesome) family, I would have still been in horrible mental condition. However, now that I left her, I'm back living with my family... .and I realize how messed up my dad is. Now I have all this stuff to work on for myself, and I feel this pressure of time coming down. I don't want to "waste" my 20s (Like my childhood and teen years were wasted because of my upbringing).



I need a therapist... .I just need to figure out how to find one, haha.


I'll look into it. Thanks again guys

[Naughty Nibbler]

FRACTURED REALITY:

I always used to freaked out during a test for some class/learning situation.  I have a problem having someone watch me in a work situation as well.

I used to work for a large corporation and one year they paid for a consultant to come in and sit by our desk with a stop watch and ask about everything we did and time it. Their objective was to establish statistics for everything we did and track our performance.

I wasn't working on an assembly line, I was in an office environment and performing acquisition functions (purchasing goods and services for a facilities maintenance environment).  It drove me so crazy, I eventually refused to be watched and they moved on to watch someone else. 

Seeing a therapist is a good idea.  You could also, check with your primary care doctor to see if he would prescribe you a small dose of a beta blocker.  If you don't have any health issues that would contraindicate the use of a beta blocker, it could be helpful.  Some people use a small dose just prior to a performance, for performance anxiety issues. It isn't something they take regularly, just when they need to get rid of panic and perform in some regard.  In your case, your performance is on a machine.

A beta blocker isn't a sedative, but it can help tame the "fight or flight" feeling you might be getting in your training situation . A beta blocker is typically used for high blood pressure, panic attacks, heart disease, etc.

Best wishes!  I'm sure you will master that machine before you know it and you will end up training some new person down the road.  Try to pretend that your trainer is a good friend and you are just two guys sharing some ideas over a car engine. Try not to think of him as a superior, but as a teammate who wants you to succeed and be part of the team.  You can do it!

Naughty

[Sunfl0wer]

I have this issue too!  I am not sure what will help me, however, fortunately I'm not in this position often. 

Idk if it would help being watched, however, when having to go to court, or a job interview, I've used a beta blocker, and it helped tremendously!  My dr suggested it for court and gave me a script for about 15 pills to keep handy in case.  (It also helped me with anxiety when I knew I was about to enter a confrontational discussion that would be triggering)

[Sunfl0wer]

Oops... .sorry... .I didn't read all posts before replying... .looks like this has been suggested.