How to tell a relative that their SO might have BPD

[oceaneyes]

I am unfortunately dealing with two BPDs in my life. The way I found out about BPD in the first place was because my MIL was telling me about how she suspects my SIL has it. I began reading about it and realized that my mother has it (confirmed via my therapist). I suggested my MIL see a therapist to help her deal with it and her therapist also confirmed my SIL most likely is bipolar/BPD.

My BIL and SIL have a one year old baby, they've only been together 1.5 years and I'm really worried about my one year old niece because, as a survivor of a BPDmom, I know the damage that is most likely being done to this poor innocent baby. My SIL sounds like a Witch/Queen type, very violent, hot temper, etc. She beat her dog in front of my MIL once and then "gave it away," and she has confessed to shooting squirrels out of trees as a child for fun. She loves guns, has many around the house, it's a terrifying awful situation. She once got into a screaming match with him because he cooked an egg wrong for her. Our family is very close and we're all very very concerned, we feel helpless.

My BIL lives in fear of her, makes excuses for her, I suspect he knows something is not right but I don't think he understands the severity of it or the consequences for his daughter. He's in the military and is away most of the time which means my little niece is alone with my SIL (who is now a SAHM) and most likely the target of her rage. It brings me to tears just thinking about it.

We'd like to share a BPD book with him, just to give him the opportunity to learn about it and come to his own determination about it. Has anyone else done this before? I know it's important that SIL not find the book. She's very nosey, and would most likely find a physical copy. They share an amazon account so we can't send him an eBook. I thought maybe when he's deployed that would give him plenty of privacy to read the book, but he's on a ship and can't receive mail. Any thoughts about how to go about this in a way that doesn't make him feel cornered? We all don't want him to push us away, she has isolated him from us already. They currently live in California (we're all on the east coast). They've been talking about moving to Alaska, mostly at her behest. We would never be able to see them if they moved that far.

Any suggestions are welcome!

[ronallie]

It's a slippery slope that you have to be careful with. I suspect the book would not stay a secret for long and you would feel the brunt of SIL wrath against you for giving it. BIL might also not want to hear it, especially if he is not asking for help and may take offense.

You may get there with him at some point, so leaving it an option could still be on the table. You could offer advice with steps and ways to deal with Borderlines to your BIL without ever calling it Borderline. You can easily paint a picture of her without ever using a label.

As a daughter of an absolute mean and crazy lady, I can say this-

I have had so many people really look out for me in my life. People who probably knew that my mother was not right and treated me badly, always gave me a little extra love or attention. Just showing up and offering a hug and a smile is sometimes all your niece would need for that day. These small gestures prove that there is life beyond the crazy. Little children are resilient and we are not all destined to turn out like our Mothers, especially if we have outside influences in our lives to show us there is another way.(( I know you said they live far, but sending packages etc. Just always being present in some way for Baby and BIL is effort!))

Just be there for your niece and BIL. Since you are all concerned and feel helpless, you can rally around them with love and be there. Even if you do ever give the book, in the meantime, be the love and light of the world for this baby.

I'm sorry that I can't give a clear answer for you. We all have that "A-ha" moment discovering that someone in our lives has BPD and it is so freeing and I know you want that for your BIL. But we can't make someone have the moment before they are ready. Just proceed with caution and care and give support in the meantime before you decide what to do.

I hope I've made sense. I just know that telling someone they have a mental illness could really backfire HUGE. This could really turn around and it becomes an attack on you!

[oceaneyes]

Hi ronallie,

Thanks for responding, I think you offered some really great advice here—I knew when we started discussing it that it was something we'd all need to really think about before acting. It's so hard to feel like we need to rush in and protect our niece and BIL, but I also think the risk of SIL finding the book is just not worth it.

I really like what you said about offering advice for dealing with BPD without calling it BPD. I'm going through therapy right now to deal with my BPDmom so I'm learning lots of that stuff and of course sharing with my husband.

I definitely know what you mean about being there and showing our niece that there is live beyond the crazy. I'm so thankful for the good people who were in my life when I was young that really helped form me into the person I am today. Otherwise I fear I might have ended up more like my BPDmom.

Thanks again for your kindness!

[Naughty Nibbler]

OCEANEYES:

I bought the audiobook of "Walking of Eggshells" and I was so glad It was suggested to me.  I won't let my sister know about it.  We all have different experiences and opinions, but I believe knowledge is power.  If I hadn't read the book, I would have gone on thinking I could fix my sister and expect apologies from her. 

I'm learning that I can't fix my sister, but I can learn to set boundaries and learn how to  manage my reactions to my sister.  Changing the way I react to my sister could make a difference as to whether I continue to have contact with her or not (and perhaps get rid of hurt feelings).

I think military folks have free access to some audio books within a military library. If not, and he has access to the Internet,  he could perhaps download the audio book to his phone and then delete it.  He could get an account with audible and sign up using a free gmail account. 

Just sharing another option.  What can be detrimental to one could be a blessing to another.  I've been thinking a lot about my dad lately (recently passed).  How I wished I has insight into his angry behavior when I was growing up.

[Harri]

Hi Oceaneyes. 

Has your BIL ever said that he thinks there is something wrong with his wife or talked about his relationship with her?  I ask because if he has not, chances are he is caught up in FOG and it can be even worse if he is away a lot.  Many people at this site have tried telling a loved one they thought their partner has BPD and most that I have read about have admitted that they simply dismissed the comments at the time.  Some became very anger with the teller.  As Ronallie stated, you can't force someone to see something they are not ready to see.

One thing that may help is to read on the Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD section here.  Lots of the posters there talk about ways to validate the person with BPD and how to communicate with them in such a way that can maintain a healthy and functional relationship with their kids.  I am thinking in your case, you may find reading there helpful in terms of strengthening/repairing (?) the relationship with your SIL so that you can have more access to your niece and BIL.  As stated previously, the very best thing you can do is be a positive light in that child's life... .and having a fairly functional relationship with her mom may make that much easier for you and your MIL. 

Parenting board:https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=4.0  also, to the right of the Parenting board page there are a series of articles on validation, the tools used for good communication, setting boundaries, etc that can all be valuable tools both you and your husband and MIL can use when talking with your SIL and BIL.