In my dreams... literally.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am about 8 months out of my relationship, 35 days NC.  My ex has reached out a couple times through twitter and pinterest to garner my attention, tempting as it was, I didn't take the bait.  My healing has a bit of a slow process.  In fact, it has been all over the charts.  One day I am ok the next day I don't want to get out of bed.   The last couple weeks the constant blanket of depression has become a bit more lighter.  I still think about her first thing in the AM and while I try to sleep at night.  I still catch myself through out the day ruminating or just wondering what she is doing.  Over all, I am taking it one day at a time, which I know is all we can do. 

     The problem is, she is always infiltrating my dreams.   Some dreams feel so real and intimate that I wake up reaching out for her.  I truly believe for a split second this has all been some horrible nightmare.  When I see the empty pillows reality sets in and so my mood begins.  Usually I can shake it off as the day progresses, however, there are nights when I relive my break up.  Granted, they aren't always in the same format, but, it usually ends with me crying watching her walk away.  These dreams devour my soul.  It feels almost as if I am going through the break up all over again.  These days, I have a really hard time shaking it off.  My mind becomes fixated on her and what transpired.  The pain that I am working so hard to get through is overwhelming and my brain is riddled with "what if", "why", and "how can she" questions. 

         I am getting to the point where it isn't so much the relationship I miss but I genuinely miss her.  I know some of you are thinking to yourselves WHAT THE HECK? But my ex was a waif.  There weren't outbursts of rage nor aggression.  She didn't call me foul names or say ugly things.  Sure we had our issues but thats another thread.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the companionship and that the nights aren't lonely, but I just miss her. 

      Any suggestions on how to stop her from reeking havoc during the only time my mind gets a reprieve? 

[Agent_of_Chaos]

I am about 8 months out of my relationship, 35 days NC.  My ex has reached out a couple times through twitter and pinterest to garner my attention, tempting as it was, I didn't take the bait.  My healing has a bit of a slow process.  In fact, it has been all over the charts.  One day I am ok the next day I don't want to get out of bed.   The last couple weeks the constant blanket of depression has become a bit more lighter.  I still think about her first thing in the AM and while I try to sleep at night.  I still catch myself through out the day ruminating or just wondering what she is doing.  Over all, I am taking it one day at a time, which I know is all we can do. 

     The problem is, she is always infiltrating my dreams.   Some dreams feel so real and intimate that I wake up reaching out for her.  I truly believe for a split second this has all been some horrible nightmare.  When I see the empty pillows reality sets in and so my mood begins.  Usually I can shake it off as the day progresses, however, there are nights when I relive my break up.  Granted, they aren't always in the same format, but, it usually ends with me crying watching her walk away.  These dreams devour my soul.  It feels almost as if I am going through the break up all over again.  These days, I have a really hard time shaking it off.  My mind becomes fixated on her and what transpired.  The pain that I am working so hard to get through is overwhelming and my brain is riddled with "what if", "why", and "how can she" questions. 

         I am getting to the point where it isn't so much the relationship I miss but I genuinely miss her.  I know some of you are thinking to yourselves WHAT THE HECK? But my ex was a waif.  There weren't outbursts of rage nor aggression.  She didn't call me foul names or say ugly things.  Sure we had our issues but thats another thread.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the companionship and that the nights aren't lonely, but I just miss her. 

      Any suggestions on how to stop her from reeking havoc during the only time my mind gets a reprieve? 

[Reforming]

Hi Agent

"I am about 8 months out of my relationship, 35 days NC.  My ex has reached out a couple times through twitter and pinterest to garner my attention, tempting as it was, I didn't take the bait.  My healing has a bit of a slow process.  In fact, it has been all over the charts.  One day I am ok the next day I don't want to get out of bed.   The last couple weeks the constant blanket of depression has become a bit more lighter.  I still think about her first thing in the AM and while I try to sleep at night.  I still catch myself through out the day ruminating or just wondering what she is doing.  Over all, I am taking it one day at a time, which I know is all we can do."

I found the first year hard and for me healing wasn't a linear process. I felt good for a while and then I would be broadsided by grief and anger. I think that this is how most of us process the pain of these relationships, cycling back and forth between the different stages of grief. I found it helpful to reread the section on healing. It helped me to understand that I was going through a natural process that eventually would end.

Healing the Big Picture

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331263#msg1331263

The ruminations are tough. Work, socialising, rediscovering old hobbies and making plans for my future really helped to give me some release from the ruminations. I've also found that the 2 minute rule, forcing yourself to think about something else for two minutes was a very useful way to break the cycle. Set a two minute timer on your phone and force yourself to think about any thing other than your ex. I found doing this repeatedly helped to redirect my thoughts.

Meditation is another great way calm our mind. I found a really good app called Headspace, which is easy to use

There's also a really good section on the site about ruminations

Tools: Dealing with Ruminations.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0

"The problem is, she is always infiltrating my dreams.   Some dreams feel so real and intimate that I wake up reaching out for her.  I truly believe for a split second this has all been some horrible nightmare.  When I see the empty pillows reality sets in and so my mood begins.  Usually I can shake it off as the day progresses, however, there are nights when I relive my break up.  Granted, they aren't always in the same format, but, it usually ends with me crying watching her walk away.  These dreams devour my soul.  It feels almost as if I am going through the break up all over again.  These days, I have a really hard time shaking it off.  My mind becomes fixated on her and what transpired.  The pain that I am working so hard to get through is overwhelming and my brain is riddled with "what if", "why", and "how can she" questions."

This used to really upset me too. I would wake up feeling sad and disorientated and feeling blue for hours afterwards. I also felt like my own brain was betraying me. I found various things helped

Accepting that this was just another part of the emotional processing that was going on. The fact that you're dreaming about breaking up is a sign that you are letting her go. I understand that it's very sad and painful but it's healthy and a necessary part of detaching. I found that fighting it or getting angry at myself just gave my dreams more power.

There are various other things that I found helpful

Physical exercise. It helps to be physically tired before you got to bed.

Redecorate your bedroom or at least give it some kind of makeover. A bedroom should be a sanctuary where you feel safe and relaxed and giving it a makeover can help to reboot your mind and your sleep

Try to switch off some time before you go to bed by reading a book or going for a walk. I also used a hypnotherapy app and an oil burner with lavender to help me relax before I went to sleep.

The dreams have gradually faded, but I still get the odd dream now - it just doesn't feel that important anymore

"I am getting to the point where it isn't so much the relationship I miss but I genuinely miss her.  I know some of you are thinking to yourselves WHAT THE HECK? But my ex was a waif.  There weren't outbursts of rage nor aggression.  She didn't call me foul names or say ugly things.  Sure we had our issues but thats another thread.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the companionship and that the nights aren't lonely, but I just miss her.  

Any suggestions on how to stop her from reeking havoc during the only time my mind gets a reprieve? "

You had a strong attachment / connection to her. It's very understandable and natural that you miss her. With time it will lessen and fade and that's sad in way too, but it will get much better. Spending time on your own to grieve and process is perfectly healthy, but loneliness can become a self imposed prison. It's important to try and connect with others even if you don't much feel like it. It's amazing how much healing it can bring.

Are you able to get out and meet up with friends and family?

Thanks for sharing and please keep posting

Reforming

[Achaya]

This sounds kind of like PTSD nightmares. There is a trauma treatment called EMDR that might be worth trying to alleviate some of your pain. I have seen people do it, but haven't tried it yet myself. It's a simple process, something like hypnosis, and it works to clear up intrusive imagery from various kinds of traumatic experiences. You could look it up online--there are therapists in most areas who have been trained in it. If you decide to do it, I hope you will post your impressions about its effectiveness for you. I will do likewise.

[Reforming]

This sounds kind of like PTSD nightmares. There is a trauma treatment called EMDR that might be worth trying to alleviate some of your pain. I have seen people do it, but haven't tried it yet myself. It's a simple process, something like hypnosis, and it works to clear up intrusive imagery from various kinds of traumatic experiences. You could look it up online--there are therapists in most areas who have been trained in it. If you decide to do it, I hope you will post your impressions about its effectiveness for you. I will do likewise.

Hi both,

Some people have found EMDR very helpful, particularly for treating PTSD

Here's a link to a thread where it discussed

EMDR Therapy

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=37825.0

Reforming

[fromheeltoheal]

     Any suggestions on how to stop her from reeking havoc during the only time my mind gets a reprieve?  

Only suggestion: let it happen.

Assuming we were all in relationships with folks with mental illnesses, and yes we can't diagnose anything and there's limited value in making it all about "them" anyway, but we all ended up here for a reason, so if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck it might just be a duck.

Anyway.  If we were in relationships with folks with mental illnesses, a very unique illness that allows the sufferer to worm their way into our psyche in a way we hadn't experienced since we were symbiotically bonded to our mothers, it really does a number on us.  Any issues we'd been repressing or denying are 'presented' to us by someone with their own agenda, and it can leave us wondering who am I?  What is this life?  Is everything I thought I knew about myself and the world complete crap?  That will screw up your day, at the very least, and it takes a while to untangle that and get back to a model of the world that is not only tolerable but empowering.

So what if that's what dreams do?  What if dreaming is literally rewiring of our brains to make sense of the world again?  I usually don't dream in color, but after I left her I had technicolor dreams with her in them, meaning they were extra-special significant, always the same theme but different circumstances, she was off screwing some dude and dissing me, shtty to wake up to, but one day, maybe 9 months after I left her, they stopped completely.  Rewiring complete.  She hasn't made an appearance in a dream in a long time, now I have sex dreams with my gardener in them (TMI?), and somehow my waking thoughts of my ex are now way mellow too.

So I say let the dreaming commence, while remembering you are not your dreams, it's not real, and it's happening for a reason, a purpose that serves you.  And one day they will stop, on the way to your empowered future.  Take care of you!