Questions about staying after years of commitment... recent issues around sex

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've been married to my BPD-traits wife for almost 3 years.  We had a baby last fall to add to our blended family of teenagers.  About 2 years ago I stopped getting into the back and forth during hard times about should I stay or should I go.  It helped calm the roller coaster because I wasn't contemplating my life's path every 3-6 weeks when the cycles would hit know I wasn't deciding the fate of my life every time she got angry or threatened to leave.

The baby has been a blessing but has also put some additional strains on the relationship.  Specifically, our sexual relationship became more disconnected.  Like most BPD stories, the first year was sexually amazing, but it slowly started to taper and sex became a reward for when I was behaving well.  The insults and name calling had left me struggling to connect as well.  It's hard for me to be intimate with someone who's calling you terrible names.  Like most of my concerns, however, I have learned to deal with them and don't communicate much because it goes nowhere.  I've tried to cope in healthy ways, but have had 2 incidents.

Last winter, after feeling very low about how little my wife respected my opinion, I sought out the company of an old emotional connection.  I just wanted to feel appreciated and like most of my poor coping moments, it blew up in my face.  She added it to the list of things I am terrible with and I felt guilty because I knew it wasn't a good choice.  Just recently, she caught me looking at porn.  I've been trying to remain healthy, but I have started looking at porn again (after not looking for some time, because I would prefer to connect sexually with my partner).  Once again, I feel guilty and she is threatening to leave.  I'm beating myself up because I hate it when I slip.

This leads to my general question and feedback.  I'm finding myself a little in the FOG again.  I've stepped back and realize that I have gotten used to having no time for myself and constant criticism no matter how hard I work.  I also think my commitment to my family (no longer questioning should I stay or should I go) and the time I put towards our teenagers and baby have got me occupied and focused on them.  With that said, I have also become more stressed as a parent because I spend a lot of time trying to guide the kids so they avoid the negative consequences of the BPD rage.  I've gotten more stable and no longer crash like I used to during these times, but I wonder if anyone has found that after committing to stay, the slide back into some old routines and then lift their head up and realize life is passing by quickly and you're not sure it's being lived according to your desires and beliefs.  Most of my decisions are still made to keep my BPD-wife happy and while I have some bottom lines around harmful behaviors, I compromise a lot.  She says she doesn't trust me and honestly, I have to pretend to be someone other than myself a lot, to keep things calm.

Any thoughts or feedback from anyone in these situations?  I can bring my own stuff to the table and have worked hard on those things in therapy, but I don't want to miss my role in this either.  Any help would be appreciated.

[SeekingHelp2]

I've been married to my BPD-traits wife for almost 3 years.  We had a baby last fall to add to our blended family of teenagers.  About 2 years ago I stopped getting into the back and forth during hard times about should I stay or should I go.  It helped calm the roller coaster because I wasn't contemplating my life's path every 3-6 weeks when the cycles would hit know I wasn't deciding the fate of my life every time she got angry or threatened to leave.

The baby has been a blessing but has also put some additional strains on the relationship.  Specifically, our sexual relationship became more disconnected.  Like most BPD stories, the first year was sexually amazing, but it slowly started to taper and sex became a reward for when I was behaving well.  The insults and name calling had left me struggling to connect as well.  It's hard for me to be intimate with someone who's calling you terrible names.  Like most of my concerns, however, I have learned to deal with them and don't communicate much because it goes nowhere.  I've tried to cope in healthy ways, but have had 2 incidents.

Last winter, after feeling very low about how little my wife respected my opinion, I sought out the company of an old emotional connection.  I just wanted to feel appreciated and like most of my poor coping moments, it blew up in my face.  She added it to the list of things I am terrible with and I felt guilty because I knew it wasn't a good choice.  Just recently, she caught me looking at porn.  I've been trying to remain healthy, but I have started looking at porn again (after not looking for some time, because I would prefer to connect sexually with my partner).  Once again, I feel guilty and she is threatening to leave.  I'm beating myself up because I hate it when I slip.

This leads to my general question and feedback.  I'm finding myself a little in the FOG again.  I've stepped back and realize that I have gotten used to having no time for myself and constant criticism no matter how hard I work.  I also think my commitment to my family (no longer questioning should I stay or should I go) and the time I put towards our teenagers and baby have got me occupied and focused on them.  With that said, I have also become more stressed as a parent because I spend a lot of time trying to guide the kids so they avoid the negative consequences of the BPD rage.  I've gotten more stable and no longer crash like I used to during these times, but I wonder if anyone has found that after committing to stay, the slide back into some old routines and then lift their head up and realize life is passing by quickly and you're not sure it's being lived according to your desires and beliefs.  Most of my decisions are still made to keep my BPD-wife happy and while I have some bottom lines around harmful behaviors, I compromise a lot.  She says she doesn't trust me and honestly, I have to pretend to be someone other than myself a lot, to keep things calm.

Any thoughts or feedback from anyone in these situations?  I can bring my own stuff to the table and have worked hard on those things in therapy, but I don't want to miss my role in this either.  Any help would be appreciated.

[cosmonaut]

I can appreciate how hard this must be for you, and I think it's admirable that you are so dedicated to your wife.  That is a wonderful quality.  You are also human, and naturally you want to be intimate with your wife.  I think all of us can understand that, and how hard it is to be denied that.

I also think it's very positive that you realize that seeking company outside of your marriage was not a healthy thing to be doing, no matter the circumstances of your marriage.  It's ok to feel badly about it, but it's also ok to forgive yourself for it.  If you are repentant, than there is no need to continue to beat yourself up about it.  We just commit to a healthier future, right?  From what you have written, it sounds like you have already done so.   

I also hear you about wanting to abstain from porn.  There is nothing wrong with that.  I think it is very noble to be so dedicated to your wife.  You can be proud of that.  Please try not to be so hard on yourself for the times when you feel you haven't lived up to that, however.  Again, if you are repentant - and you sound like you are, then try to forgive yourself.  You are human and made a human mistake in a very difficult time.  I think anyone can understand.

Can you tell us some more about how you feel like you are having to be someone else around your wife?  Is it that you feel like you have to be her rescuer?  You are unable to show your own vulnerabilities?  I think that might be something to explore.