The term replacement

[confusedinWI]

"Replacement". I hate this term. Ever since I joined this board I've hated reading this. I'd rather new man/woman.

I don't know about you all but I'm not replaceable. My ex gf has found a new man (downgrade, about 70 lbs heavier than me, lives 1 1/2 hrs away when her and I used to live together) but he is not my replacement.

He will never be who I am! He will never be able to be there for her in those scared moments she had. I was there for her when her mom had cancer surgery, I surprised her to show up. I was there for her when she had dental surgery, I surprised her to show up and hold her hand. I was there for her to hold her hair back when she got a nasty case of the flu.

I was the one that would run my fingers softly down the side of her face to calm her down when she was scared. I was the first person ever that danced in the kitchen with the lights off with her to her favorite song. I saw the complete love in her eyes when I did that.

I'm a night person, she is a morning person, I would, as much as I could, wake up early to make sure the coffee was started while she was showering. I even ran to the local walgreens to get her splenda when it ran out and surprised her with it. I had a way of hugging her that I would wrap my arms just under her butt and lift her off her feet making her feel light like a ballerina.

My children loved her with all their heart, even though she hurt them at the end. They are not replaceable.

I was so open at showing my feelings to her, being emotionally available to her about my deepest fears.

I know I wasn't replaceable in the bedroom for her. Sure maybe he does things I didn't do (not possible, ). I didn't rush, I always took my time letting her know how extremely turned on I was, how beautiful she was/is to me.

The random places we would have conversations that seemed to bond us closer, that is not replaceable at all.

The love I had for her (maybe still will for the rest of my life) came from the truest part of my heart and soul. That is not replaceable.

The love I shared with her family, the two Christmases we spent together, the long walks holding hands. I am not replaceable.

I don't know much about this guy. he might me nice or he might be the devil that just uses her and leaves her on her but.

I do know this, there were times that I really saw the love in her eyes, the enjoyment. It's what made her happy and what made her scared. This woman that I fell in love with, had she stayed around I would have spent the rest of my life with her. My heart is not replaceable. She may try, she may dillude herself into thinking I'm replaceable, but I'm not.

remember ladies and gents, they may have someone new, whether it appears to be an upgrade or downgrade, but they are not your replacement, you are not replaceable! The loss will end up being on them, not on us. We didn't not quit even if we were put in positions where we had to walk out.

Thank you!

[valet]

I agree that the word 'replacement' is kind of an injustice, but it is essentially what the new man/woman is.

replacement (n):

the action or process of replacing someone or something.

"the replacement of religion by poetry"

synonyms:   renewal, replacing; substitution

"the wiring was in urgent need of replacement"

a person or thing that takes the place of another.

"please stay until we find a replacement for you"

synonyms:   successor, someone else;

The label that we apply is a tool to help us manage the reality of the situation. It helps us depersonalize the relationship's end. Eventually, I think, it becomes a harmless mechanism that we feel quite indifferent about. Remember, we will most likely 'replace' them too, at some point in time, with another person. That's normal and perfectly healthy, if we choose correctly!

[FannyB]

I like 'replacement' as it highlights the dysfunctionality of the situation and our unspoken expectation that the replacement will ultimately be replaced! If I date again, then I won't be referring to anyone as her 'replacement'. 

[Infared]

Confused... .I understand what you are saying... .I "get" your outrage... .

... .but I actually like the term because it "exactly" describes what happened to me. I did not know my ex was a pwBPD. For 5 yrs I was the most Important person in her life and then BOOM I am a monster within, what seemed like to me, one day. (I did not know about this other person).  ... .but I soon realized that she was with someone else (although she steadfastly denied it).  In an instant, I was out and he was in... .Replaced describes it perfectly for me. The term also points to the great need of the pwBPD to never be alone. I know this is not the case with all, but I know that my ex is so... .so... .so... .afraid of abandonment in any form that she could not possibly be "alone" for one minute.  So "replaced" just works perfectly for me. I was literally replaced before she even left the house to be with new shiney knight.

... .and like valet says, the term helps us to depersonalize the treatment and to sort out looking at someone who has a personality disorder. It's not normal behavior and there is nothing healthy about it for anyone involved.  Trust me, I was just as angry and hurt as you are when it occurred in my life. It sucks and is extremely damaging. I need all the tools I can find to heal... .and that term helps me see the light.

I did not refer to the person that I dated after her as my replacement though... .I do not have this overwhelming need to never be alone like a BPD does.

[going places]

Replacement sounds harsh, but, because my ex has the maturity level of a 13 year old boy, and he is incapable of any remorse; what he did is 'replace' me with someone who will bow to his every whim, cater exclusively to him and his needs, fawn over him day and night, hang on his every word, and allow his sickening addiction to exist.

It does not matter to him that he took a Vow before God.

It does not matter to him that he has 3 adult children.

Nothing matters to him except himself, his needs, his wants, his desires.

I feel sorry for the female he is with right now.

She is either a person that does not value herself and finds her 'worth' in someone else or she has been in an abusive relationship for so long that 'the normal' he brings goes unnoticed... .

She won't know what hit her until it's too late.

The ex's fathers wife has to take anti-depressants because caring for ex fil has made her so depressed she cannot handle life.

The ex's brothers wife, has to take anti-depressants because ex BIL is so abusive to her, she turned to binge eating, and it had to stop.

My doc wanted to put me on ant-depressants... .he said "just to get me thru the rough patch".

I said no.

Absolutely not. I was not going to depend on a pill to tolerate - live with my ex.

When I told him the doc wanted to put me on drugs, his response "awwww I know how you don't like meds"

The family's abuse pattern is so obvious now.

Non of the women could live with them, and their abuse, without medication.

No, I feel sorry for the new woman. She has NO idea what she's gotten herself into.

She is young (early 30's... .he is 45) and has a young child (10 ish).

She is wasting her life with him. She is exposing her child to a monster.

In my case, the appropriate term would be New Victim, not replacement.

[clydegriffith]

I think it's perfectly acceptable term to use in relation to a BPD person. The people they are with don't really mean anything to them. They are leeches, parasistes, etc that jump from host to host leaving a trail of bodies and destruction.

[confusedinWI]

I think it's perfectly acceptable term to use in relation to a BPD person. The people they are with don't really mean anything to them. They are leeches, parasistes, etc that jump from host to host leaving a trail of bodies and destruction.

[/quote

So that means we didn't mean anything to them?

[clydegriffith]

I think it's perfectly acceptable term to use in relation to a BPD person. The people they are with don't really mean anything to them. They are leeches, parasistes, etc that jump from host to host leaving a trail of bodies and destruction.

[/quote

So that means we didn't mean anything to them?

Speaking from my experience i would most certainly say no.

Sure she may have thought i meant something to her when she was ideaolizing me but you don't treat people that mean something to you in the manner that this woman treated me.

The BPDX trapped me with a child during the honeymoon stage of the relationship and then did awful thing after awful thing to the point that child or no child, i had to walk away from the madness. She did the exact same thing to the guy before me (hence i was the replacement there) and now after running through 3 or 4 "boyfriends" post breakup, she's trapped another poor sucker with a baby again.

It's a sick, demented cycle that is made a million times worse by that psycho making the extremely irresponsible decisions to have baby after baby with different guys thinking it will help stabilize herself when any person with a half a working brain would see that having all these kids would just make your problems worst.

[FannyB]

So that means we didn't mean anything to them?

In my opinion we got their version of love and thus meant something to them up til the point we became a disappointment and an inconvenience. My ex clearly believed that she loved some of her SO's - so by that measure they must have meant something to her - albeit not for the 'forever' that she may well have articulated at the time. 

[Achaya]

Confused, I hear you trying to separate an image of the devalued relationship and partner (you) that was in your ex's mind at some points, from more realistic images of yourself, her and your relationship. It is the borderline or narcissistic partner who views the relationship and the partner as All Good or All Bad. Like you, I do find it helpful to take a more positive view of what was real about the good times. I really want to keep those if I can.

It does make it more painful for me to think that my ex will find a new partner and probably soon. I believe she will do her best to make that relationship work--I think she tried with me in the limited ways she knew about. She might have learned something from our relationship and may do a better job next time. I doubt that she will be able to actually make it work on the next attempt, though. It hurts that she wouldn't/couldn't try harder with me and that she will try with someone else instead. But the reality is that she is basically a good person struggling to be happy, just like I am, and I would rather think about her that way than devalue her completely as a person who is permanently unfit as a partner.   

I love my ex in more ways than just as my lover. I see myself as a lover, wanting so much from her that she couldn't give, and there is certainly something selfish about that kind of love. I think it is normal healthy selfishness, but it is far from unconditional love. I don't think that unconditional love is realistic, either, but when I am not lost in my pain, I do hope that my ex can find happiness in a healthy relationship someday. I guess I would prefer that she not get there next week

[confusedinWI]

Confused, I hear you trying to separate an image of the devalued relationship and partner (you) that was in your ex's mind at some points, from more realistic images of yourself, her and your relationship. It is the borderline or narcissistic partner who views the relationship and the partner as All Good or All Bad. Like you, I do find it helpful to take a more positive view of what was real about the good times. I really want to keep those if I can.

It does make it more painful for me to think that my ex will find a new partner and probably soon. I believe she will do her best to make that relationship work--I think she tried with me in the limited ways she knew about. She might have learned something from our relationship and may do a better job next time. I doubt that she will be able to actually make it work on the next attempt, though. It hurts that she wouldn't/couldn't try harder with me and that she will try with someone else instead. But the reality is that she is basically a good person struggling to be happy, just like I am, and I would rather think about her that way than devalue her completely as a person who is permanently unfit as a partner.   

I love my ex in more ways than just as my lover. I see myself as a lover, wanting so much from her that she couldn't give, and there is certainly something selfish about that kind of love. I think it is normal healthy selfishness, but it is far from unconditional love. I don't think that unconditional love is realistic, either, but when I am not lost in my pain, I do hope that my ex can find happiness in a healthy relationship someday. I guess I would prefer that she not get there next week

Achaya I know it's bad but right now I don't wish her to have happiness in this relationship she has with her new man. The pain she put on my kids, put on me, in the name of her "love" for us, the way the last two weeks I lived there she went from wanting to cuddle some nights to being cold and callous the other nights, the way she still wears her necklace I got her because it's special to her, having a facebook picture of my daughter and her, as well as me and her still on her cover photos, I think she's confused. She's looking for a void filler. She brought me to such highs and lows in this relationship. I own my part, I was a doormat, I didn't establish boundaries. But I tried way too much than she probably deserved from me. I don't wish her any physical harm, or anything like that but I find it funny that she complained that even when we lived together she didnt' get to see me enough and now the new guy she is dating lives over an hour and a half away from her. What? She even told me when she dated that she knew she was selfish for wanting more and more time with me, and not appreciating what she had. It's like she was trying to give me subconscious clues as to what she was. I was stupid and didn't listen.

For the depthness of how I loved her, I don't want her to be normal now, and just find this happiness while I had to move away from my kids, move out of our shared apartment for my sanity, while suffering a job loss and not having support from my best friend, she's out there just having a "great time" with my replacement. No, not yet. I don't know if they are capable of having a broken heart, or they just compartmentalize and cut and run before it gest to that point. I thought at our breakup she was really torn up, but maybe she's just an Oscar award actress and I was the fool.

I dont' know what to believe anymore about my relationship with her, about myself. I pray to God that I don't run into her because I'd be afraid she would just ignore me, or give me a look that says how could I have ever liked you.

I felt special for living with her, but maybe I was just nothing to her.

[Achaya]

Confused, I hear your pain and your anger are what you need to feel right now. I certainly don't judge you for not being able to wish your ex well in her new relationship. I told mine outright that, as a person who loves her in a bigger sense I hope her next relationship brings her happiness, but I added that as her lover, I hope that her next relationship is horrible for her. I put the needed amount of humor into that statement, but I meant it. I want her to find out how it feels to get close enough to have your heart broken, so she can finally know why her ex-partners all feel they have to get away from her to heal. My ex had her heart broken in childhood in ways that I can't even begin to understand, but she has never let anybody repeat it in adulthood. Somehow, though, I have the feeling that even if she ever really falls for someone, and it goes badly for her, she isn't going to connect the dots and recognize this is what she did to me. I hope I no longer care at that point.

[dagwoodbowser]

Confused: Think "spare parts." No, you as the person are not replaceable, but her need till fill in that void needs to be "replaced" by something or someone. Could be drugs, alcohol or sex... .even if it is sex, she's probably not even aware that there really is a person there because she can likely compartmentalize the act from the person.

[confusedinWI]

Confused: Think "spare parts." No, you as the person are not replaceable, but her need till fill in that void needs to be "replaced" by something or someone. Could be drugs, alcohol or sex... .even if it is sex, she's probably not even aware that there really is a person there because she can likely compartmentalize the act from the person.

It's taken me awhile and the ability to sacrifice my ego but yes I am starting to see that the intimacy I was feeling was not being shared by her as well. Hurts because those moments meant a lot to me but I tell myself how much more they will mean when I'm with the right person.

I am sure the new man is getting the pretty package all wrapped up right now but what he doesn't know is how much crazy is underneath it