Getting married and sister with BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone,

I'm just going to jump in and hope that anyone reading this can keep up. I will try not too be too vague but I also don't want family to read this and know who I am.

I have a sister with BPD, she is quite a bit older than me. I have a lot of siblings. My sister started trying to kill herself in my mid teens.

I am getting married soon and have been planning the "big" day. I picked my bridesmaids for the wedding on the basis of my bestest friends, this included 2 friends and 2 of my sisters except my sister with BPD. My mum understood when I first told her and my parents supported me in my decision.

One of my brothers didn't like my decision so cornered me in a room and had a go at me about it. My mum kept at me then after this incident saying it was only the price of a dress. Well my sister came home had a huge go at my parents telling them how they went wrong with all of us, her very strong opinions on marriage and her strong opinions against Christianity.

I went out for lunch with my sister and while there she told me all about the physical, sexual and mental abuse she endured while in the mental health system. She was crying and also saying how she saw my wedding as a way to get back into the family. I made the mistake of allowing her to manipulate me to feel guilty and feel like it was all my responsibility and asked her to be a bridesmaid. This was not a decision that I wanted !

I got home cried my eyes out and phoned my fiance and spoke to one of my sisters. I decided to try and ease all heartbreak to take the offer back but explain I still wanted to try and build a relationship but that this was not the way to do it.

I told my mum what happened. A couple of weeks later I was talking to my mum on the phone and she told me how I was a horrible person and really cruel and now if I don't have my sister as a bridesmaid then she won't come to my wedding. (Additional info: after I took my offer back my sister disappeared, thereby guilt tripping everyone involved, this is normal)My mum spent 15 mins on the phone to me telling me how I was such a nasty person.

I now don't know what to do. I have 5 options that I have come up with:

1. elope - think would cause more problems

2. just have friends no sisters as bridesmaids - hurt my other sisters and not have what I want

3. pay for the wedding myself and what I want goes - feels childish and the financial help was very much appreciated

4. not do anything and worry until the wedding - I'm a worrier so will stress about this

5. ask my sister to be bridesmaid

I forgive my sister for what has happened in the past but I can't forget. That hurt is always there and everytime I think about everything that has happened I cry. I don't want my wedding day to be like that when it is meant to be about me and my fiance not my sister.

Thank you for any help.

smiling_through  

[smiling_through]

Hi everyone,

I'm just going to jump in and hope that anyone reading this can keep up. I will try not too be too vague but I also don't want family to read this and know who I am.

I have a sister with BPD, she is quite a bit older than me. I have a lot of siblings. My sister started trying to kill herself in my mid teens.

I am getting married soon and have been planning the "big" day. I picked my bridesmaids for the wedding on the basis of my bestest friends, this included 2 friends and 2 of my sisters except my sister with BPD. My mum understood when I first told her and my parents supported me in my decision.

One of my brothers didn't like my decision so cornered me in a room and had a go at me about it. My mum kept at me then after this incident saying it was only the price of a dress. Well my sister came home had a huge go at my parents telling them how they went wrong with all of us, her very strong opinions on marriage and her strong opinions against Christianity.

I went out for lunch with my sister and while there she told me all about the physical, sexual and mental abuse she endured while in the mental health system. She was crying and also saying how she saw my wedding as a way to get back into the family. I made the mistake of allowing her to manipulate me to feel guilty and feel like it was all my responsibility and asked her to be a bridesmaid. This was not a decision that I wanted !

I got home cried my eyes out and phoned my fiance and spoke to one of my sisters. I decided to try and ease all heartbreak to take the offer back but explain I still wanted to try and build a relationship but that this was not the way to do it.

I told my mum what happened. A couple of weeks later I was talking to my mum on the phone and she told me how I was a horrible person and really cruel and now if I don't have my sister as a bridesmaid then she won't come to my wedding. (Additional info: after I took my offer back my sister disappeared, thereby guilt tripping everyone involved, this is normal)My mum spent 15 mins on the phone to me telling me how I was such a nasty person.

I now don't know what to do. I have 5 options that I have come up with:

1. elope - think would cause more problems

2. just have friends no sisters as bridesmaids - hurt my other sisters and not have what I want

3. pay for the wedding myself and what I want goes - feels childish and the financial help was very much appreciated

4. not do anything and worry until the wedding - I'm a worrier so will stress about this

5. ask my sister to be bridesmaid

I forgive my sister for what has happened in the past but I can't forget. That hurt is always there and everytime I think about everything that has happened I cry. I don't want my wedding day to be like that when it is meant to be about me and my fiance not my sister.

Thank you for any help.

smiling_through  

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Smiling:

Congrats on the upcoming wedding!  So sorry that you are having so many emotional issues and drama.  Planning a wedding is stressful enough without all the family drama.

This suggestion might seem a bit business like but, it can be a tool to lead you to a decision.  I took your choices and put them on a spreadsheet.  Then, I speculated on some categories that you might want to examine (stress factor, memories, wedding satisfaction, etc.).  Change the categories on the top to whatever is significant to you. Probably want to add "cost".  Give each category a weight factor. In order for this to give you any value, you have to choose what categories are most/least important to you.  You can repeat a weighting number, but try to spread out the rating numbers as much as possible.  Instructions appear in the 1st sample.  The second one is just a speculative example with the first choice fully rated.

If you decide to use this type of analysis, take a few days to think over the scoring.  Might want to make a list of pros and cons for each decision.  Also, perhaps your fiance might want to participate in the chart regarding the categories to measure and the weighting level.

This means of analysis might seem too complex, but it can help you in making an end decision and hopefully a means to tame the stress and emotions.

[educator]

Congrats on your upcoming wedding.  It is an exciting but stressful time for you.

Your sister certainly has manipulative behaviors and you have every right to not want her in your wedding.  You have every right to your feelings and I understand why you don't want her in your wedding.

From an outside perspective though, I can see why your sister is upset.  If I had 3 sisters and two of them were in a wedding and I was not, that would upset me.  So, I do understand why she is upset.  The difference is, I would never make it an issue because I would just want my sister to have a good time.  Because your sister has manipulative behaviors, it seems as though she is manipulating family members to turn against you (like your mother saying she won't go unless your sister is in the wedding).  I'm not saying that you are wrong to not want her in the wedding, just that she is justified with her feelings and others might see it that way.  She's willing to make you look bad because her feelings are hurt and it sounds like she doesn't respect that this is your wedding and your day, not hers.

My question for you is this:  What do you want your wedding to look like?  What is your dream?  Your vision?  Have you always wanted a big wedding?  Are you having a big wedding to please others? 

The thing is... .you have no control over your family members and what they are doing, but you do have control over yourself.  It sounds like your mom might not come if your sister isn't in the wedding.  How does that make you feel?  It sounds like your brother is mad at you and there is a lot of drama.  How do you feel about that? 

I think the most drama free option is to elope.  Sure... .you'll deal with drama when you get back, but you will enjoy your time spent with your fiance and you'll save money.  None of the other options will appease your sister, therefore, they won't appease your family.  Paying for the wedding yourself and saying what you want goes will make your family mad at you as the only thing that has changed is you paying for it.  Disinviting your other sisters won't fix it, as your sister still won't be in the wedding.  Hoping things will just smooth out and trying not worry won't work either because again... .your sister isn't getting her way.

So, IMHO, the only two options you have are elope or ask your sister to be in the wedding (and even this will be dramatic because she was uninvited to begin with, so she might not ever really be happy with it).

In my experience with a pwBPD, they don't let up.  They won't be happy until they get their way. 

I feel for you and I hope it works out for you in the end.  It's a shame because it should be about you.