I could go from angry to not angry instantly

[DyingLove]

During arguments with the ex, I could go from Angry to not Angry nearly instantly.  When things escalated to yelling and screaming or anything in between including disagreement and abnoxiousness, I could stop DEAD IN MY TRACKS and take off my face of negativity and go directly to understanding or calm and quiet.  Of course everything with a grain of salt, and depending on what was going on. She knew this because many times I did this, and she said she couldn't do that and she had to continue with her rage or anger or whatever. But I would often just stop my role in the issue to get back to normal. It usually didn't work, but often it somewhat diffused the bomb.

I've always been a calm guy, and the R/S really brought our the worst in me towards the end.  It's almost like I went from "stupid" to realizing I was being unreasonable and tried to remedy the situation. I never wanted to or liked not smiling and having a good time with her.  Even 6am I would wake up happy and serve breakfast with a smile and hot cup of coffee.  Anyone else feel the same?  I just thought of this.  Another suppressed memory.

[Reforming]

Hi Dyinglove

During arguments with the ex, I could go from Angry to not Angry nearly instantly.  When things escalated to yelling and screaming or anything in between including disagreement and abnoxiousness, I could stop DEAD IN MY TRACKS and take off my face of negativity and go directly to understanding or calm and quiet.  Of course everything with a grain of salt, and depending on what was going on. She knew this because many times I did this, and she said she couldn't do that and she had to continue with her rage or anger or whatever. But I would often just stop my role in the issue to get back to normal. It usually didn't work, but often it somewhat diffused the bomb.

I did this sometimes, though during the bad episodes I found it difficult to regulate my emotions and sometimes it took quite some time to get myself centred again. A pwBPD struggles to regulate their emotions because their feelings can be very overwhelming, which makes it very difficult for them to self soothe. It's positive that you were able to disengage from the conflict - I found that difficult at times.

I've always been a calm guy, and the R/S really brought our the worst in me towards the end.  It's almost like I went from "stupid" to realizing I was being unreasonable and tried to remedy the situation. I never wanted to or liked not smiling and having a good time with her.  Even 6am I would wake up happy and serve breakfast with a smile and hot cup of coffee.  Anyone else feel the same?  I just thought of this.  Another suppressed memory.

Being in a high conflict relationship takes a toll on anybody. In my desire to avoid conflict and keep my ex happy I ended up enabling her unhealthy behaviour. As a result my own behaviour was unhealthy too, but I wasn't fully aware of this until I had the time and space to became more self aware.

Reforming

[DyingLove]

Hi Dyinglove

During arguments with the ex, I could go from Angry to not Angry nearly instantly.  When things escalated to yelling and screaming or anything in between including disagreement and abnoxiousness, I could stop DEAD IN MY TRACKS and take off my face of negativity and go directly to understanding or calm and quiet.  Of course everything with a grain of salt, and depending on what was going on. She knew this because many times I did this, and she said she couldn't do that and she had to continue with her rage or anger or whatever. But I would often just stop my role in the issue to get back to normal. It usually didn't work, but often it somewhat diffused the bomb.

I did this sometimes, though during the bad episodes I found it difficult to regulate my emotions and sometimes it took quite some time to get myself centred again. A pwBPD struggles to regulate their emotions because and their feelings can be very overwhelming, which makes it very difficult for them to self soothe. It's positive that you were able to disengage from the conflict - I found that difficult at times.

I've always been a calm guy, and the R/S really brought our the worst in me towards the end.  It's almost like I went from "stupid" to realizing I was being unreasonable and tried to remedy the situation. I never wanted to or liked not smiling and having a good time with her.  Even 6am I would wake up happy and serve breakfast with a smile and hot cup of coffee.  Anyone else feel the same?  I just thought of this.  Another suppressed memory.

Being in a high conflict relationship takes a toll on anybody. In my desire to avoid conflict and keep my ex happy I ended up enabling her unhealthy behaviour. As a result my own behaviour was unhealthy too, but I wasn't fully aware of this until I had the time and space to became more self aware.

Reforming

Good Morning Reforming.  I'm not saying it didn't take an effort to stop playing the argue/fighting game.  It took a BIG mental jolt and I had to say something like: It's not worth what is going to happen if we continue, and quite often, my mind moved quickly along and took a peek at what was going to happen down the road.  I used to say that someone had to stop it all, someone had to diffuse the situation.  I loved her too much to always continue that amount of negative energy.  Thinking back at how this would drain me afterwards.  She didn't see how I was just torn apart from trying to keep the peace.  Ha, the peace that we broke together, but mostly she initiated it.  If I had to do those parts again, I would just remain kinda low key, and walk away quietly, and had it been possible, Later on I would just share with her that I care about US too much to let us destroy ourselves with words. That's all it really was: words flung out at the speed of sound!

Honestly, a person watching me go from mad to glad might actually think I was bonkers!  But I knew the value of getting out of turmoil quickly.  Unfortunately, it didn't help in the long run. Wish it did.

[valet]

It's strange what we do in the name of our former BPD relationships, eh?

I only lost my temper once with my ex about midway through the relationship, and I'm still in the same boat as everyone else.

I don't think that our anger matters too much, in the long run. It is more about not having firm boundaries, and getting angry is only one of them.

[Reforming]

Good Morning Reforming.  I'm not saying it didn't take an effort to stop playing the argue/fighting game.  It took a BIG mental jolt and I had to say something like: It's not worth what is going to happen if we continue, and quite often, my mind moved quickly along and took a peek at what was going to happen down the road.  I used to say that someone had to stop it all, someone had to diffuse the situation.  I loved her too much to always continue that amount of negative energy.  Thinking back at how this would drain me afterwards.  She didn't see how I was just torn apart from trying to keep the peace.  Ha, the peace that we broke together, but mostly she initiated it.  If I had to do those parts again, I would just remain kinda low key, and walk away quietly, and had it been possible, Later on I would just share with her that I care about US too much to let us destroy ourselves with words. That's all it really was: words flung out at the speed of sound!

Honestly, a person watching me go from mad to glad might actually think I was bonkers!  But I knew the value of getting out of turmoil quickly.  Unfortunately, it didn't help in the long run. Wish it did.

I understand what you mean. Aggression can easily trigger more aggression and it takes a lot of self control to step back and not respond in kind. It can be very difficult to maintain healthy boundaries when emotions are so heightened, especially if you become almost inured to someone you love cycling through extreme emotions. You grow accustomed to the highs and lows and even though these extremes are destructive and unhealthy it becomes normalised to you to the point where you can find interacting with others in a healthy way flat and curiously empty.

It's like living with the volume turned up to full on your stereo. It can take work to readjust to being comfortable in a healthy, steady relationship.

Reforming

[DyingLove]

Good Morning Reforming.  I'm not saying it didn't take an effort to stop playing the argue/fighting game.  It took a BIG mental jolt and I had to say something like: It's not worth what is going to happen if we continue, and quite often, my mind moved quickly along and took a peek at what was going to happen down the road.  I used to say that someone had to stop it all, someone had to diffuse the situation.  I loved her too much to always continue that amount of negative energy.  Thinking back at how this would drain me afterwards.  She didn't see how I was just torn apart from trying to keep the peace.  Ha, the peace that we broke together, but mostly she initiated it.  If I had to do those parts again, I would just remain kinda low key, and walk away quietly, and had it been possible, Later on I would just share with her that I care about US too much to let us destroy ourselves with words. That's all it really was: words flung out at the speed of sound!

Honestly, a person watching me go from mad to glad might actually think I was bonkers!  But I knew the value of getting out of turmoil quickly.  Unfortunately, it didn't help in the long run. Wish it did.

I understand what you mean. Aggression can easily trigger more aggression and it takes a lot of self control to step back and not respond in kind. It can be very difficult to maintain healthy boundaries when emotions are so heightened, especially if you become almost injured to someone you love cycling through extreme emotions. You grow accustomed to the highs and lows become and even though these extremes are destructive and unhealthy it becomes normalised to you to the point where you can find interacting with others in a healthy way flat and curiously empty.

It's like living with the volume turned up to full on your stereo. It can take work to readjust to being comfortable in a healthy, steady relationship.

Reforming

Good response!  Last two sentences hit right on the money.  Thank you!