Keeping to a narrative in order to heal

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi All,

I'd been having a few good weeks up until last week and have now crashed back down missing the best parts of my ex and feeling rotten that I didn't try harder to save my marriage. My ex has never been diagnosed BPD and there are times when I still think it is me that has BPD, she does have psychological problems and has been sectioned 5 times, she was often selfish and cruel to me in the relationship but sometimes incredibly loving, no one has loved me in those ways and made my heart feel so full as love as she did, but she also had the power to send me to sinking lows. However, reading back through my old mails, even if she was the catalyst & very disordered and very cold and callous, I am the irrational and abusive one in the messages. I push/pull as much as she did. It's now been a few months of NC and I am finding it very hard to believe I will find someone who can make my heart soar, I am confident I could find someone who would be more stable and good for me. I'm scared that I am going to settle and I have shame issues about abandoning my marriage, even though it was hard, and fear issues that it was the wrong move, that I wont find anyone who I loved like my ex.

I thought some weeks ago I was healed, I felt for a few days at least on cloud 9 with no thoughts of my ex at all, and now I'm back on the emotional rollercoaster. Telling myself to pull it together doesn't seem to work, my heart hurts, it hurts now as I type.

My question is this. Can I ever return to the point where I am a whole person again, where all of lifes colours are not diluted by the echoing pain of feeling like I'll never find love again & worse that i messed up, that its me with BPD or a problem? Why am i so pathetic about this relationship. Why can't I keep a static thought & conclusion about this relationship in my mind, one day I think "screw her" and the next I'm crying alone for long periods desperately missing her and wondering why she isn't trying to save our marriage. My head and heart are so conflicted and mostly I'm worried that I'm permanently scarred, something in my brain chemistry seems changed since meeting my ex, I can't get anything done, I'm only getting older, no love nor family is on the horizon. I'm not OK, half of me wishes I'd never met her, the other half that I'd been stronger and stuck it out. Why is a grown up, supposedly intelligent person unable to just move on, I can't stick to the decision, I can't stick to a narrative of what happened (her fault/my fault) and it makes it impossible to stop ruminating and heal. I've been broken up a year, in another year we'll be divorced. I need peace from myself, from my own mind. Did anyone else feel this way, even so long after the break up?

[Trog]

Hi All,

I'd been having a few good weeks up until last week and have now crashed back down missing the best parts of my ex and feeling rotten that I didn't try harder to save my marriage. My ex has never been diagnosed BPD and there are times when I still think it is me that has BPD, she does have psychological problems and has been sectioned 5 times, she was often selfish and cruel to me in the relationship but sometimes incredibly loving, no one has loved me in those ways and made my heart feel so full as love as she did, but she also had the power to send me to sinking lows. However, reading back through my old mails, even if she was the catalyst & very disordered and very cold and callous, I am the irrational and abusive one in the messages. I push/pull as much as she did. It's now been a few months of NC and I am finding it very hard to believe I will find someone who can make my heart soar, I am confident I could find someone who would be more stable and good for me. I'm scared that I am going to settle and I have shame issues about abandoning my marriage, even though it was hard, and fear issues that it was the wrong move, that I wont find anyone who I loved like my ex.

I thought some weeks ago I was healed, I felt for a few days at least on cloud 9 with no thoughts of my ex at all, and now I'm back on the emotional rollercoaster. Telling myself to pull it together doesn't seem to work, my heart hurts, it hurts now as I type.

My question is this. Can I ever return to the point where I am a whole person again, where all of lifes colours are not diluted by the echoing pain of feeling like I'll never find love again & worse that i messed up, that its me with BPD or a problem? Why am i so pathetic about this relationship. Why can't I keep a static thought & conclusion about this relationship in my mind, one day I think "screw her" and the next I'm crying alone for long periods desperately missing her and wondering why she isn't trying to save our marriage. My head and heart are so conflicted and mostly I'm worried that I'm permanently scarred, something in my brain chemistry seems changed since meeting my ex, I can't get anything done, I'm only getting older, no love nor family is on the horizon. I'm not OK, half of me wishes I'd never met her, the other half that I'd been stronger and stuck it out. Why is a grown up, supposedly intelligent person unable to just move on, I can't stick to the decision, I can't stick to a narrative of what happened (her fault/my fault) and it makes it impossible to stop ruminating and heal. I've been broken up a year, in another year we'll be divorced. I need peace from myself, from my own mind. Did anyone else feel this way, even so long after the break up?

[Pingo]

Hi Trog,

I did that going back and forth in my feelings/thinking also but it was before we split mostly. We did recycle once and a year before our first split we nearly split up. Both those times I waivered on my decision. Questioned if I was making the right decision. It was incredibly painful not knowing for sure what the right thing to do is. When we split the second time I was confronted with some truths that I just couldn't ignore so knew I had to leave. He had become physical with me, crossing a boundary I had.  Even then, after our split I wondered if I had made the right decision. Intellectually I knew I had but I was so confused because of the way my heart ached. Now it's been almost a year since our split. I rarely question my decision and it's just a fleeting thing usually. What I have come to learn about myself by doing a lot of digging into my childhood and past is that I just didn't trust myself. I felt inept deep down. Like I couldn't have the wherewithal to make such definitive life changing decisions. I had been trained by my upbringing with my overly controlling mother to believe I was just a f**k up. This was a tape playing in the back of my mind. No wonder I had such a difficult time taking care of myself. No wonder I allowed people to come into my life who were controlling and abusive. No wonder I always felt so helpless. I thought there was something inherently wrong with me therefore couldn't stand up for myself, take care of myself. I let people tell me what to do, I worried what people would think... .I was really consumed by my insecurities and lack of confidence. I was also consumed by the idea of failure. I didn't want another failed marriage. What would people think. I am a perfectionist at heart so I was so embarrassed for a long time about going through this separation. I avoided people so I wouldn't have to tell them that we were separated. I couldn't stand the shocked look on their face and having to try to explain it (once again because I was consumed by what other people thought).

If you look back at other relationships, friendships, your relationship with your family, is there any kind of pattern? Do you experience that difficulty making tough decisions anywhere else in your life? Do you have confidence in yourself in other areas of your life?

[Trog]

Seems impossible I posted that 3 weeks ago. That was one of those wobbly moments I used to get with great frequency and now we're down to one a month

Yes I can procrastinate with the best of them but once you get your self respect up you start to make the right moves, I've taken up sailing which I always wanted to do but just didn't, and have a few things going on now that are ensuring I am enjoying life. This can stand as a good example of a 'wobble'! The most important part of it was 'static conclusion', - this was about closure, something's BpDs don't tend to give, I wasn't going to get any validation from her so I've had to work it out by myself, I feel I'm confident I know why the relationship ended and I've forgiven myself - forgiving her... .Maybe I'll get there but I'm giving my brain a rest.