Should I meet with uBPD/unpd MIL or not?

[educator]

Long story short, DH and I were NC (really NR, she bugged us during this time) for 3 1/2 years.  DH and I had a huge fight and he patched things up with his mom.  DH and I are getting along very well now.  I'm in counseling and so is he and we'll start marriage counseling in June.  I am exploring my co-dependency issues that I seem to have from his drinking in the past and trying to heal myself to become a better wife, mother and person. 

My MIL is a very difficult person to get along with.  FIL (DH's stepdad) is wanting to just move on.  MIL is not.  She wants to meet with me privately to have an 'honest discussion.'  BIL was down last week for a visit and I went to her house with our DD's to see BIL and his GF.  The GF and I got along well.  The next day, MIL announced to BIL, GF and DH that I could no longer go to her house until I had an honest conversation with her. 

I have no interest in meeting with her.  She will bring up the past and I'll find myself JADE ing to her.  DH wants me to meet with her because he thinks I can just patch things up with her and we can all be one big happy family.  The thing is, before the NC, we had family meetings all the time and they did nothing.  It was a platform for her to berate DH and I.  DH said he would got with me to meet with her, as I stated that would be the only way I would consider it.  She basically wants me to apologize for taking her grandkids away from her (which I didn't, she walked out of their lives) and to apologize for calling the cops on her when she picketed in front of my house.  I don't feel sorry for doing that.  I asked her to leave, DH asked her to leave and she was scaring my kids. 

What should I do?  What is your advice?

[Pilate]

A request for an "honest" conversation when the requester has exhibited significant disordered behaviors without a desire or need to change them seems an implausible if not impossible task for you to fulfill.

I would bring the issue to your therapist.

One of the ideas about nonviolent communication that this situation reminds me of is when we want to get information from someone and it might not be information that the asker has a right to ask for. What would happen if, while you are waiting to discuss with your T, you and your DH emailed or phoned MIL and asked, "I know it's very important to you to meet with us for an honest conversation. I'm wondering what you are had in mind when you asked this? What are some of your goals/hopes/ideas for our talk?" This way (if she doesn't explode or start JADEing herself because it is possible that she just wants an opportunity to be rude and hurtful) you will get her to share some information with you first before you have to make a decision to share anything with her. If the requesting party isn't willing to share her ideas and motives, then it isn't okay to ask you to "be honest" or apologize for everything (which is not to say you have to apologize--maintaining values-based boundaries is important).

Short version: Talk to your T. Being asked to have an honest conversation sounds like 8th grade girl talk. Adults don't talk like that. MILs to DILs don't talk like that. Unless your MIL has made some significant behavior changes in 3.5 years, this sounds like she is reusing old habits to get what she wants.

My .02

[HappyChappy]

My MIL is a very difficult person to get along with... .I have no interest in meeting with her.  She will bring up the past and I'll find myself JADE ing to her... .before the NC, we had family meetings all the time and they did nothing.  It was a platform for her to berate DH and I... .She basically wants me to apologize for taking her grandkids away from her... . 

So if I have this right, your DH hubby would like you to speak with your MIL as he thinks this will fix everything. Get things back to how they were. But you clearly don’t want to. She wants an apology that you feel she isn’t owed. From what you say – her behaviour clearly was out of order, but at this meeting you’ll be expected to apology and hence legitimise and enable her behaviour. So it will go back to how it was – i.e. they way the MIL likes it. Your MIL behaviour clearly is out of order, but if she’s BPD she won’t every see that. I’m guessing she’s BPD by her behaviour.  

In my experience when a BPD saying “honest conversation” this means they are intent on persuading you, so they need more information, new information. They see honesty as a weakness.  

So your decision is, do you want to go back to how it was. Possibly worse than it was, as your MIL will have you pegged as the rebel rouse she needs to keep in check. Could you not just play along with the “honest meeting” without revealing anything. Using S.E.T. to reaffirm boundaries ? But if you’re feeling vulnerable or weary may not be a good idea to meet. As you said she’ll probably be same as previous meetings and unless you submit totally to your MIL will, I doubt the meeting will be an end to the need for “honest chats”.  

[educator]

"I know it's very important to you to meet with us for an honest conversation. I'm wondering what you are had in mind when you asked this? What are some of your goals/hopes/ideas for our talk?"

Thanks, I think I might have H ask her this.  I'm not sure if she has blocked me on her phone or not.  I meet with my T next week, so I might ask him to do this at some point this week.  

Short version: Talk to your T. Being asked to have an honest conversation sounds like 8th grade girl talk. Adults don't talk like that. MILs to DILs don't talk like that. Unless your MIL has made some significant behavior changes in 3.5 years, this sounds like she is reusing old habits to get what she wants.

This is exactly what I think she is doing.  I tried to explain this to H.  I told him that in normal families... .you don't have family meetings constantly.  I brought up the fact that he and my sister don't get along well, yet they have never had a lunch date or tea date to discuss these issues, nor have we had a family meeting about it.  But... .the force of his FOG is strong.  I think that he just wants to have a normal family.  Thing is... .his mom isn't normal.

[educator]

Could you not just play along with the “honest meeting” without being honest. Using S.E.T. to reaffirm boundaries ? But if you’re feeling vulnerable or weary may not be a good idea to meet. As you said she’ll probably be same as previous meetings and unless you submit totally to your MIL will, I doubt the meeting will be an end to the need for “honest chats”.  Empathy

Even my H told me that he thinks she wants me to apologize for making the wrong decision not allowing them to see the kids.  The thing is... .if I had my way right now and if I was the only one making the decision, MIL would not see the kids at all.  So, obviously, I don't think I did the wrong thing.  H is so fogged it's unbelievable.  She has been speaking to him for about a month now and within that month has threatened 2 times to walk away from DD4.  She manipulated BIL's visit so that DD9 couldn't see him much.  And H just forgives, forgives, forgives.  It is so frustrating.

I plan on waiting until I see my T for sure.  I feel like I'm not allowed to have my own perception of the situation.  I feel as though I see things more clearly because she isn't my mom.