Never feeling adequate

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

This probably ties into my childhood. I never had the best of self esteems, but I've been doing well.

During the r/s with my uxBPDgf, my self esteem just disappeared. She made me feel "not quite good enough" ALL the time. No matter what it was, I had the same feeling. If I had just been a bit taller, had a bigger D, more money, more muscles, been more handsome, had more friends, had a bigger house, more expensive car etc, she would love me. Of course I know intellectually that this is outright ridiculous, but emotionally I'm left with this feeling.

What do I do? Can you relate?

[LonelyChild]

This probably ties into my childhood. I never had the best of self esteems, but I've been doing well.

During the r/s with my uxBPDgf, my self esteem just disappeared. She made me feel "not quite good enough" ALL the time. No matter what it was, I had the same feeling. If I had just been a bit taller, had a bigger D, more money, more muscles, been more handsome, had more friends, had a bigger house, more expensive car etc, she would love me. Of course I know intellectually that this is outright ridiculous, but emotionally I'm left with this feeling.

What do I do? Can you relate?

[enlighten me]

I can definately relate to this. It was the little digs that her exs were better in some way. He was a great driver, great musician, rich, romantic etc etc. It was as if she wanted all her relationships rolledinto one perfect person that would do everthing and anything for her and love her no matter what she did.

[dobie]

Tottaly relate you have to not believe the lies they are the empty vessels needing others to mimic mirror and consume

They are all deeply unhappy unstable people so remember thier madness and opinions don't count

When I think of my x the only thing she has going for her is looks she is 30 now so those won't last for ever  and a six figure income so how dare she devalue me

Everything I loved about her was just really about me I'm sure its the same for a lot of us with self esteem issues

[LonelyChild]

When I think of my x the only thing she has going for her is looks she is 30 now so those won't last for ever  and a six figure income so how dare she devalue me

This is interesting as well. For my ex, I can't say ANYTHING good about her other than her looks. She's not kind, loving, compassionate, empathetic, particularly intelligent (well she is, but she can never focus due to anxiety). She's very creative, but she uses it in destructive ways (manipulation, lies, stories). She's gorgeous though. But that won't last very long. Other than that, she really doesn't have much good to offer as a person. Which is sad.

[LonelyChild]

And yeah, whatever I did, was never good enough. I once took her to a 5 star hotel over a weekend, brought her out to dinner, etc. She started talking about how big a D one of her exes had.

I would bring her presents, both expensive and cheap ones. "Thanks! ... .but why did you give me this? this isn't what I wanted" even if it was things she had asked me for.

I took her out to dinner, paid for everything at our town's finest restaurang. It ended up with her hitting me and throwing things at me. I wasn't doing enough. Her ex had done better, etc.

[dobie]

And yeah, whatever I did, was never good enough. I once took her to a 5 star hotel over a weekend, brought her out to dinner, etc. She started talking about how big a D one of her exes had.

I would bring her presents, both expensive and cheap ones. "Thanks! ... .but why did you give me this? this isn't what I wanted" even if it was things she had asked me for.

I took her out to dinner, paid for everything at our town's finest restaurang. It ended up with her hitting me and throwing things at me. I wasn't doing enough. Her ex had done better, etc.

My devaluation was more subtle until the final discard

It was always accompanied mostly by paranoia and distrust and accusations where I was made to feel I can't be trusted

Mine was smart but she was not interesting she always gave me the impression she felt she had to have an interest in the arts , literature or whatever but she could or never really be passionate about any subject or show a deep interest

We went to the opera for example she enjoyed it I think but it was more because she felt she should

Really her core interests are hmmm having fun I suppose but even then she is always complaining

Empty draining and difficult to get on with is my final verdict on her

She is more sentimental than empathetic she is a user who idealises people

Till they can no longer fill the space in her

[Jimmyfran]

Hi everyone,

I relate to everything that has been written above regarding being made to feel inadequate.

When we met I was the most handsome guy ever that she was able to have the best ever sex with etc.  I was so happy as she was one of the most beautiful girls id ever seen let alone been in a relationship with.

BUT Within months the devaluation started - that I was never hard enough for her, that I was terrible at performing oral sex on her and her telling me she would have to go and get someone else to do it for her.  It got to the point I performed it on her just to stop her insulting me and making me feel anxious that she would get someone else.

As I write that now I see that she was deliberately subjecting me to psychological torture.  Putting me in a position in which she could more easily control me.

My contempt for her treating me like still burns so strong that  Im glad I got out or else someone (either her or me) would have ended up getting seriously hurt.  Either through me hurting myself to escape or lashing out at her.

[apollotech]

LC,

Self-esteem comes from the self, not an outside source. Your ex drained whatever self-esteem you had.

Want to build it back up, here's the solution, give of yourself. I don't know where you live or what your situation is, but helping others, others that appreciate/truly need your help, builds self-esteem/self-worth faster than any other thing that I am aware of. Do volunteer work at a hospital, school, church, retirement community, whatever. Put yourself in a position so that you can actually see the fruits of your labor(s) in helping another person. That will plug you into life.