I've noticed as of late, especially the past few weeks, that whenever I talk about my pwBPD in a bad light, I speak of him in the past. Someone I 'dated' or 'used to date'. I literally can't stop myself from thinking like that.
I've been doing an incredible amount of self work for a few weeks now. Coming to terms with my own demons, my childhood traumas, my dysfunctional beliefs, and my codependency. It's been pretty much 95% about me.
And my relationship with my partner has changed so much as well. Not counting the open relationship that we are experimenting with, he's so much more caring and understanding towards me. When I expressed insecurities, he was extremely loving and comforting and told me that no one could replace me in his life at this point. That he doesn't ever want to lose me. I'd think he was painting me white, except that this phase has been going on since April. He even showed me an email he sent to his best friend expressing how messed up he is and that he's afraid it will cause him to alienate and lose me.
He said there is something wrong with his brain. And that things between us are extremely stable as of late.
We had a fight last Sunday. Over social media and text. Except that... .it was completely different than usual. Yes at some point, he blocked me off facebook again, because he was too overwhelmed with the conversation and was trying to enforce a boundary of some sort. I validated that need. He then apologized... .YES ... .apologized and validated my feelings regarding the topic of the fight by text. The blocking me lasted barely a day and even during the fight he kept saying that he loves me very much but doesn't agree.
So yeah. Somehow this has created a split in our timeline for me. I think of everything before April as our -old relationship-. The guy I used to be with. My xuBPDbf.
I think of everything after that, as a very fulfilling and blossoming relationship full of passion with my partner who sometimes expresses BPD/NPD traits. I'm no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop, but rather approaching things with radical acceptance. This is it. This is our relationship.
Yesterday I had a court date 30 minutes away from his house. Since I was in the area, I texted him asking if it was okay if I dropped by. He answered that he preferred I didn't. I felt hurt by it at first.(
Oh yeah. I'm actually experiencing my emotions fully. Letting them out, regularly. Less dissociating and anxiety.)
But then I thought, if that's what he wants, I have to respect his wishes. So I drove another 20 minutes and visited his best friend for an hour instead. It was lovely.
I came home and he wanted to skype. Apparently he's going through a bit of dysphoria these couple days. I find myself wondering if perhaps it has something to do with him having a new sex partner.
At some point, I mentioned how I respected his wish to not see me, and he responded:
You know, you really should know how wonderful you are.
I've felt many people are great, but not seen it.
You're one of the first people, if not the first, that I can say I can see is truly great, even if I can't feel it.
Feelings aren't real, feelings are fleeting. Actions, things you can see... .Those are real. Those are facts.
Best feeling in the world. I think I'm going to enjoy this relationship for a bit.