Things have changed drastically. I now refer to our relationship in the past.

[misuniadziubek]

I've noticed as of late, especially the past few weeks, that whenever I talk about my pwBPD in a bad light, I speak of him in the past. Someone I 'dated' or 'used to date'. I literally can't stop myself from thinking like that.

I've been doing an incredible amount of self work for a few weeks now. Coming to terms with my own demons, my childhood traumas, my dysfunctional beliefs, and my codependency. It's been pretty much 95% about me.

And my relationship with my partner has changed so much as well. Not counting the open relationship that we are experimenting with, he's so much more caring and understanding towards me. When I expressed insecurities, he was extremely loving and comforting and told me that no one could replace me in his life at this point. That he doesn't ever want to lose me. I'd think he was painting me white, except that this phase has been going on since April. He even showed me an email he sent to his best friend expressing how messed up he is and that he's afraid it will cause him to alienate and lose me.

He said there is something wrong with his brain. And that things between us are extremely stable as of late.

We had a fight last Sunday. Over social media and text. Except that... .it was completely different than usual. Yes at some point, he blocked me off facebook again, because he was too overwhelmed with the conversation and was trying to enforce a boundary of some sort. I validated that need.  He then apologized... .YES ... .apologized and validated my feelings regarding the topic of the fight by text. The blocking me lasted barely a day and even during the fight he kept saying that he loves me very much but doesn't agree.

So yeah. Somehow this has created a split in our timeline for me. I think of everything before April as our -old relationship-. The guy I used to be with. My xuBPDbf.

I think of everything after that, as a very fulfilling and blossoming relationship full of passion with my partner who sometimes expresses BPD/NPD traits. I'm no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop, but rather approaching things with radical acceptance. This is it. This is our relationship.

Yesterday I had a court date 30 minutes away from his house. Since I was in the area, I texted him asking if it was okay if I dropped by. He answered that he preferred I didn't. I felt hurt by it at first.( Oh yeah. I'm actually experiencing my emotions fully. Letting them out, regularly. Less dissociating and anxiety.)

But then I thought, if that's what he wants, I have to respect his wishes. So I drove another 20 minutes and visited his best friend for an hour instead. It was lovely.

I came home and he wanted to skype. Apparently he's going through a bit of dysphoria these couple days. I find myself wondering if perhaps it has something to do with him having a new sex partner.

At some point, I mentioned how I respected his wish to not see me, and he responded:

You know, you really should know how wonderful you are.

I've felt many people are great, but not seen it.

You're one of the first people, if not the first, that I can say I can see is truly great, even if I can't feel it.

Feelings aren't real, feelings are fleeting. Actions, things you can see... .Those are real. Those are facts.

Best feeling in the world. I think I'm going to enjoy this relationship for a bit.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hi misuniadziubek,

wow 

It sounds like your relationship is moving towards a much healthier conflict culture. That is truly an important change. When people come here to the board there is a lot of fighting - quite ironic as most of us have in the past avoided conflicts in a co-dependent manner. So getting the fighting level down, establishing civilized conflict behavior and also then embracing some level of conflicts are really three big steps that take a while.

Keep us posted how things are developing  ,

a0

[Jessica84]

Wow, he acknowledged that feelings aren't real? 

Mine has had fleeting moments of clarity like that, but feelings are facts to him. It's all about the present moment. If he was upset and got ugly a week ago, the facts distort to what he's feeling now and he can't remember what he said or how he felt when he said it. So it didn't happen. Makes it pretty hard to resolve a conflict when he rearranges things in his head this way. I've come to accept this. No use in fighting the disordered thinking. If things are good now, why go back in time to when things weren't. Instead, set boundaries to prevent future damage. Onward and upward!

Sounds like things are improving with YOU and that's the best part! Enjoy your "new" boyfriend!   

[Surg_Bear]

Are you painting him white due to your radical acceptance of yourself? Has your coming to terms with your own demons been projected on to him, to be mirrored back onto you in perfect BPD synchrony?

I'm sorry to doubt your situation as a new beginning.

Does this guy have BPD, or not?

If he does have BPD, besides being allowed to screw other women, what has he done to rid himself of HIS demons?

I find it a little unsettling that someone with BPD has experienced a flight into health.

I do not want to burst your bubble of newfound happiness and joy. I'm curious to understand how it is that you have done all the work, and he has gotten well.

I really do hope it lasts for you.  Maybe forever, but people with BPD don't, by definition, have the insight you claim he's achieved.

It would be awesome, if maybe you were wrong about him having BPD in the first place. If this were the case, it would be much more likely that this new BF is here to stay.

If he does have BPD- don't count your chickens.

It is never cured in a few weeks- try decades of intense, core focused psychotherapy, and it might disappear from the forefront. 

If you were a target of rage before- just remember to stay true to yourself and your boundaries if you see signs of rage again.

You are in a better place now. You are the only one you can be sure of- do not let your guard down too low.

Surg_Bear

[misuniadziubek]

Are you painting him white due to your radical acceptance of yourself? Has your coming to terms with your own demons been projected on to him, to be mirrored back onto you in perfect BPD synchrony?

I'm sorry to doubt your situation as a new beginning.

Does this guy have BPD, or not?

If he does have BPD, besides being allowed to screw other women, what has he done to rid himself of HIS demons?

I find it a little unsettling that someone with BPD has experienced a flight into health.

I do not want to burst your bubble of newfound happiness and joy. I'm curious to understand how it is that you have done all the work, and he has gotten well.

I really do hope it lasts for you.  Maybe forever, but people with BPD don't, by definition, have the insight you claim he's achieved.

It would be awesome, if maybe you were wrong about him having BPD in the first place. If this were the case, it would be much more likely that this new BF is here to stay.

If he does have BPD- don't count your chickens.

It is never cured in a few weeks- try decades of intense, core focused psychotherapy, and it might disappear from the forefront. 

If you were a target of rage before- just remember to stay true to yourself and your boundaries if you see signs of rage again.

You are in a better place now. You are the only one you can be sure of- do not let your guard down too low.

Surg_Bear

This isn't really a post about my BPD. It's about me.

He isn't curedcured of BPD. He's in the same place he was ages ago. Just less in denial that there is a problem.

This is me learning to validate to understand. To recognize my own triggers. This is not perfect. But this is healthier for me. I'm not scared of losing this relationship. I accept it if it has an expiration date. I enjoy what I have but know it might be be fleeting.

He's been having more and more breakdowns and dysphoria lately. But he doesn't disrespect me the way he used to. I don't let him. His rages are a true test of where I'm at.

He most definitely 100% has BPD. Aand he has a much harder road ahead of him than I do. My point was the disease no longer defines the relationship. I've let go of what was.

He's not healthy. not by a long shot... .But maybe finally willing to get help? DBT... .

I understand your point of view. It's easy to start to idealize the relationship when things are good and you're painted white. BPDS are charming AF. I simply stopped resenting him and mmyself for all the rages.

It's a new day. Possibly without a relationship.

[an0ught]

It's a new day. Possibly without a relationship.

I'm convinced a certain level of detachment is necessary. If our relationships are too close things go haywire. Conversely I've seen quite a number of stories where things turned when people got serious about boundaries and were willing to walk away. The way I think about it one gets to the point where the magnets are not snapping immediately with infinite force together but there is still attraction. Then the freedom to decide has returned without the pressure to decide. We can choose to stay as it, we can re-arrange the pieces and stay if it fits or we can leave. The FOG is gone, we see the things how they are and the thinking gets clearer.

[misuniadziubek]

It's a new day. Possibly without a relationship.

I'm convinced a certain level of detachment is necessary. If our relationships are too close things go haywire. Conversely I've seen quite a number of stories where things turned when people got serious about boundaries and were willing to walk away. The way I think about it one gets to the point where the magnets are not snapping immediately with infinite force together but there is still attraction. Then the freedom to decide has returned without the pressure to decide. We can choose to stay as it, we can re-arrange the pieces and stay if it fits or we can leave. The FOG is gone, we see the things how they are and the thinking gets clearer.

I truly believe this to be true. I think I get to now discover who I truly am and be happy with it. I get to see if me as I am fits into this relationship.

One thing I know for sure, no matter how much pain I go through. I will be okay. Ill manage. I'll heal. I'll get through it. I'm not alone. I have my number one fan: me.