Shame driven mind games or am I just reading into it too much?

[Bassoutcast]

Hey guys.

I've posted my story numerous times on the staying and undecided boards, the latest of which were a series of online mind games from my ex, and although she tries to remain in control of "direct" contact like texting (a boundry she set up while breaking up with me, stating that "if she ever finds herself texting me, she guesses we could be friends" - the most indirect answer I've heard in my life), she still played for my reaction with status and profile picture updates, and when I stopped participating in her little "cold war" - a mutual friend suddenly contacted me after a long time and asked if I wad OK (our ONLY mutual friend).

A little bit before I went NC for a few weeks I updated my picture - band recording session, obviously moving on with my life (I didn't upload it thinking of her, it was just a good picture). She changed hers to a picture of her dog (which I really bonded with, so much that it treated me better than her) on all of our mutual social media.

Checked her profile after a few weeks of NC - still that same picture. I feel like she might be hiding, perhaps too ashamed to show herself, even via pictures, to the man who said she was his everything and sacrificed so much for her. I feel like if she really didn't mind me and tried to move on - she wouldn't hide. Perhaps she's trying to gain some attention, another reaction or whatever, or maybe I'm just reading too much into it. Plus - it happened exactly while I was talking to our mutua, told her I'm doing great, got a new job and didn't even mentiony ex once in the conversation.

What do you think guys? in my opinion it just lines up too well. Thoughts?

[valet]

Hey Bassoutcast, I'm sorry about your breakup.

From what I'm reading it all seems very confusing to you.

It's sounds like you're doing well, though, which is great! I wouldn't try to read into her actions too much here. It is very easy to project an image of yourself via those channels, and it doesn't really give you any indication of how she's feeling or what she wants. She will certainly feel guilty, ashamed, and quite a bit sad over this. These feelings are normal after any split, but a pwBPD doesn't quite have the necessary tools to handle them, hence the somewhat odd and erratic behavior.

Why are you focusing on your ex's social media so much, and how does it make you feel? Do you think that maybe you're still relying on her 'presence' to validate parts of your own?

[Bassoutcast]

I don't think I'm using her presence to validate myself, I don't do it often and now I'm at a point where I'm just curious, it's natural to wonder about someone who wad such a big part of your life isn't it?

She couldn't even look me in the eye while breakinh up, and in all of her pictures since the b/u she wasn't looking directly at the camera.

I'm not focusing on it, I'm past that. I don't do it often because sometimes it still triggers me but it's a lot easier now. not tempted to text her or anything like that anymore. I'm (exactly) 2 months out and it's been a wild ride at first, but although she was my first r/s it "only" lasted for about 4 months so in the end I still had a somewhat vague sense of self (and looking back it deteriotated as time went on and had I allowed it to go on further I'd probably end up killing myself).

I've learned a whole lot on BPD, finally faced some deep rooted traumas from childhood, and worked hard on my c/d. If she comes back for some reason I am willing to give it another go, but this time I'll have strict boundries. and if she won't - I'm already nearing total acceptance and will find a loving r/s in time.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Bass-

Very little real communication happens in writing and Facebook; it's said of the 3 components of communication, words, tone of voice and body language, only 7% is the words, and with texting and Facebook, that's all you get, 7%.  So what we do, when we're still emotionally connected to our exes, is fill in the other 93% with our theories, parsing the words, reading between the lines, filling in the blanks, to try and find meaning when the real communication has ended.  That's always challenging and mostly futile, but doing it with someone who exhibits traits of a personality disorder when we've stopped being the soother and are now the trigger, it can drive us insane; maybe you can relate?

It seems you've transitioned from the Staying and Undecided boards to this one, which means it's over and your goal is to now detach, yes?  So the way to do that is to shift the focus from your ex to you and from the past to the future, as quickly as you can but as slowly as you need to, and one part of that is disconnecting from her life and letting go of the updates.  Facebook is not your friend right now, and it might be best to unfriend her, if that hasn't been done already, and if you can't muster the discipline to not look at her profile, maybe delete your account entirely.  It needs to be about you and your needs extra strong for a while as youu cut that cord.  Take care of you!

[Mutt]

although she tries to remain in control of "direct" contact like texting (a boundry she set up while breaking up with me, stating that "if she ever finds herself texting me, she guesses we could be friends" -

Hi Bassoutcast,

She may not of been able to look you in the eye because breaking up was too emotional. My ex couldn't talk to me in real person or by phone and still talks to me by email because it's less emotional. I think it's less emotional for her to talk to you this way by text.

[Bassoutcast]

although she tries to remain in control of "direct" contact like texting (a boundry she set up while breaking up with me, stating that "if she ever finds herself texting me, she guesses we could be friends" -

Hi Bassoutcast,

She may not of been able to look you in the eye because breaking up was too emotional. My ex couldn't talk to me in real person or by phone and still talks to me by email because it's less emotional. I think it's less emotional for her to talk to you this way by text.

But she DID talk to me in person. She actually agreed (with responses cold as summer in Antarctica but still) to meet up and talk. She listened to me pleading and then reversed everything I said, made herself the helpless victim and painted me black-as-night (typical BPD behavior), then said how it's HER desicion, that she has enough of HER problems to deal with mine (hypocracy at it's finest), etc.

In retrospect, all signs said that she was going to b/u with me, no matter what I've said, but it's not my fault, I know that. The relationship was a short one mainly because as much as I'm very empathic and will kindly do things for people I care about, I have a temper issue and when someone mistreats me - I tell them what I feel instead of bottling it up, I'm not like her family who would tolerate the ST's, but I had no idea it was all part of the disorder so now that I'm more educated I'll know better should a recycle ever happen (or my lucky star will set me up with yet ANOTHER BPD girl  )

[Bassoutcast]

Any more opinions please?

[wanttoknowmore]

Bassautcast... .I agree with you that its great curiosity that drives us to see their dramatic life they present on face book ... .I also think... .how it is not easy not to watch them when there was such a long and deep relationship we had with them... .I am extremely curious to understand the meaning of their behavior after break up ... .its fascinating... .are they truly

lovable and can not control painting us black and mistreating us OR  are they deceptive and cruel to begin with ? Answer to this basic question can help up forgive them and forget them in easier way. Sometimes, I feel in her pics ,she is trying to tease me as if saying look what you are missing ... .BUT then, it seems like an attempt to hurt me by saying I am stronger than you... .look I moved on and am happy... .and you are still miserable.

[Bassoutcast]

I've seen my ex paint other people black and I think she's not deceptive to begin with, she's just very fragile emotionally and tends to misinterpret other's actions. Her main trigger is blame - meaning whenever she feels like someone is blaming her (and usually they aren't) for something she tends to overreact and push that person away, be it her (former) best friend, her parents or her boyfriend (which was me).

I think I triggered her when I told her how I felt, and put the spotlight on ME for once, saying how hurt I was from her ST's (anyone who knows me knows that I can deal with a LOT of things, but you need to face me and SAY IT. If there's something I HATE is silence) and told her it wasn't fair that every time she's triggered by something I come rushing for her aid, soothing her, and when I'm having a breakdown she, the person I felt was my closest friend, throws me under the bus with ZERO consideration to what I feel.

She even told me things like "NO, you will NOT blame me for YOUR problems", "you don't see me using my mental illness as an excuse (when I said I was paranoid about her)", "I have enough problems of my own to be dealing with yours"

I don't ask much, but I think it's fair to treat your partner EQUALLY right? to have MUTUAL care and EMPATHY right? Tell me if I'm wrong, I've never had a relationship prior to her.