Boarderline Mother-In-Law's Role in Our Infant's Life Causing Marital Stress

[TroubledDIL]

My husband and I have one baby and are expecting our second.  Although I have known that my mother-in-law is needy, socially inappropriate, and developmentally immature, since she learned of my first pregnancy, her behavior has been more troubling.  (She became obsessed, bought an insane amount of baby clothes, cried at meals while talking about wishing my husband was still a baby, etc.)  Though initially I admired my husband's dutiful respect for his mother, I am now troubled by her extreme ability to control him (he is an only child) by going into an emotional tailspin at the suggestion of any criticism and whenever she feels like she is not being included enough.

While initially I supported her being a part of my children's lives, her inappropriate and unsafe comments (e.g., telling my son - lets drive down a hill without the breaks on and g'ma will teach you all the bad stuff), the fact that she appears to be on too many pain killers much of the time, her non-stop victim mentality, the company she keeps (troubled 20 somethings when she is in her 60s), the horribly rude manner in which she has treated my family and friends (my husband even suggested celebrating holidays and birthdays with her separately), and the selfish, juvenile manner in which she manipulates my husband make me want to distance myself and my children from her more.

Much of what I've read has said - gain physical distance.  I've tried. It's not going to be an option.  (My husband moved thousands of miles away from her years ago - only to have her follow right behind... .)  Until the past few months, she tried to be inappropriately close to me - giving me sexual gifts for our wedding, oversharing constantly, etc.  Although the oversharing hasn't stopped - she'll tell anyone anything - I'm now on her bad side: she now criticizes my parenting, take jabs at me for not allowing her to "borrow" my child, and I can hear her asking my husband whether I am going to be at the house when he calls to invite her over for a visit. Most of all, it breaks my heart to know - as my husband recently told me - that she has been talking and writing to him extensively about how depressed, lost and devastated she is not to be seeing our child more frequently. 

The safety and well-being of my family and marriage is my main concern.  Lately, my husband asserts a firm - unwavering insistence that she will visit to see our child at least once a week.  He refuses to postpone a proposed visit even when I am too exhausted to entertain (I'm pregnant and have a baby), etc.  He has never been this insensitive in our marriage and she has never gone for more than a week and a half without seeing her grandchild.  Although I propose convenient times for visits, the more I observe her behavior and inappropriate comments, the more concern I develop about what kind of influence she will be in my children's lives. 

My husband is amazingly wonderful, and our values are aligned, but when it comes to her, although he acknowledges the inappropriate comments, bad behavior, etc., he gives her a pass because "she's had a hard life." She told him about the difficulties in her childhood (adult subjects) when he was a young child and he has been "trying to avoid making her life any harder than it has already been," ever since.

Any advice about how to navigate a new family, a borderline (waif - I'm guessing) mother-in-law, and a caretaker husband, would be greatly appreciated.

[JayApril]

Seems like your husband may feel a sense of guilt. Wether that guilt is really his or not, is his call. But, it sounds like she is feeling threatend by your kids, they are taking away the attetion that your husband gives her. And the only way she can gain it back is by saying she wants to spend "more" time with her grandkids. Once a week is alot. Have you tried sitting down with her as well as your husband to set boundaries?

[educator]

Have you gone to marriage counseling?  If not, I highly suggest it.  I have a uBPD/unpd MIL and I have two DD's (9 and 4).  We were NC with MIL for 3 1/2 peaceful years, but since then DH has reached out to her and she sees DD4.  DD9 won't see her as MIL ran me down to DD9 when she saw her a few weeks ago, and DD9 knew she was lying and being inappropriate.

Lately, my husband asserts a firm - unwavering insistence that she will visit to see our child at least once a week.  He refuses to postpone a proposed visit even when I am too exhausted to entertain (I'm pregnant and have a baby), etc.  He has never been this insensitive in our marriage and she has never gone for more than a week and a half without seeing her grandchild.  Although I propose convenient times for visits, the more I observe her behavior and inappropriate comments, the more concern I develop about what kind of influence she will be in my children's lives. 

To me, it sounds like your DH is working to please his mom to keep the peace.  My DH has always done that and so does BIL.  IMHO, they were raised to be her caretakers, not the other way around, which to me is very odd.  So, everything revolves around MIL being happy.  DH and I have been to a T before as well as two pastors who have both told DH that when you marry someone, you then 'cleave' to them and leave your mother.  To me, it doesn't sound like your DH is doing this.  But, I don't think he's doing that on purpose... .it's the way they are raised.  It's not you that your MIL doesn't like, it's the position in the family.  You took her son away from her... .that's how she perceives it.

Once a week is a lot.  Even when we got along with my MIL she saw DD9 at best 2-3 times a month.  Now, she sees DD4 maybe 2 times a month.  To me, that is more than enough.  My mom lives 15 minutes from me and maybe sees our DD's once a month.  My MIL loved my DD's when they were at an age where they gave her lots of attention... .she loved the ages between 3-6, because she can get them to focus all on her.  It sounds like your MIL is using your child as something to please herself... .she needs the attention, not your child. 

The advice I have, from what I've learned?

1.  Don't say bad things about his mother to him... .let him begin to see that for himself.  If you do, he'll eventually get really angry and blame things on you.  That is what happened to me.  When I step back and let him take the brunt of her craziness, it is much more painful.

2.  Go to a marriage T... .sometimes they can point out the obvious in a much better manner than we can.  It meant a lot to my DH when our T told him the behaviors his mom had were not normal.  Remember... .your DH grew up with his mom... .to him, this might seem normal.  It sounds like you need to set some clear boundaries with respect to visits and such.  A T can help you to navigate that. 

3.  Plan a spa day or something when you know she's coming over... .take a break from your child for a few hours and pamper yourself.  That way, you don't have to deal with her.  You could even just go to a bookstore a read a book or go hang out with a friend. 

Sorry you are going through this.  Dealing with a MIL like that can make you crazy.