On being exposed to the trauma of BPD

[StarOfTheSea]

Just had some thoughts bouncing around in my head today that I wanted to share.

I was thinking of our r/s and all the baggage that came with it such as his bipolar ex wife, meddling parents, daughter on the autistic spectrum, and his inappropriate siblings... .And it occurred to me, I was in NO WAY equipped to deal with that situation. Heck, even if I had a master's in social work I doubt I'd have been able to cope.

I remember being out to eat with his daughter, I took her to the bathroom and she was literally hysterical because everything in the bathroom was automatic. I mean she was screaming and crying, and this is coming from a nine year old. The other people in the bathroom were like, 'what the heck?'. I simply am not equipped, qualified or motivated to deal with something like that. I see so clearly now that between his disorder and his extra baggage we never had a fighting chance.

I think part of why I feel so traumatized is that I wasn't able to help. I'm in a helping profession so when I'm unable to 'fix' something it hits me very hard.

Just my two cents for the day 

[Madison66]

WOW, StarOfTheSea!

I so relate to your experience and gained wisdom!  I'm 18 months removed from a 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  She was high functioning, but exhibited strong PD traits.  She had a rough r/s with her exH (left her for another woman) and had three young kids all with learning, emotional and behavioral issues.  Her D10 has OCD and childhood anxiety disorder.  The 3 year old meltdowns I witnessed at home and in public were beyond description.  Her S8 has Autism Spectrum and childhood anxiety disorder, and his behavior grew worse while we were together.  Then there is her S6, who had impulse control issues and childhood anxiety disorder.  He couldn't control his anger and ofter lashed out at caregivers, teachers, fellow students and his siblings.  My ex's parenting style was no rewards, no punishments and no boundaries.  It was hell on wheels!

Like you, I hung in it for a long time for a number of reasons.  Leaving was excruciatingly hard and took a long time to get over with.  From the outside, my friends and family couldn't understand why I stayed as long as I did.  Root issues with co-dependency and people pleasing were both at play.  It took a couple years of T, during and after the r/s, to help me see that I must take care of myself before I can be the best for others in my life.  Yes, like you said my ex gf and I didn't have a fighting chance to stay together in a healthy r/s.  That was beyond my control.  I now can cut myself a break and know that I left them in a better place than I found them.  My decision to leave the r/s will have ripple effects on everyone in my life.  I am at peace with it now... .

[StarOfTheSea]

WOW, StarOfTheSea!

I so relate to your experience and gained wisdom!  I'm 18 months removed from a 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  She was high functioning, but exhibited strong PD traits.  She had a rough r/s with her exH (left her for another woman) and had three young kids all with learning, emotional and behavioral issues.  Her D10 has OCD and childhood anxiety disorder.  The 3 year old meltdowns I witnessed at home and in public were beyond description.  Her S8 has Autism Spectrum and childhood anxiety disorder, and his behavior grew worse while we were together.  Then there is her S6, who had impulse control issues and childhood anxiety disorder.  He couldn't control his anger and ofter lashed out at caregivers, teachers, fellow students and his siblings.  My ex's parenting style was no rewards, no punishments and no boundaries.  It was hell on wheels!

Like you, I hung in it for a long time for a number of reasons.  Leaving was excruciatingly hard and took a long time to get over with.  From the outside, my friends and family couldn't understand why I stayed as long as I did.  Root issues with co-dependency and people pleasing were both at play.  It took a couple years of T, during and after the r/s, to help me see that I must take care of myself before I can be the best for others in my life.  Yes, like you said my ex gf and I didn't have a fighting chance to stay together in a healthy r/s.  That was beyond my control.  I now can cut myself a break and know that I left them in a better place than I found them.  My decision to leave the r/s will have ripple effects on everyone in my life.  I am at peace with it now... .

Madison,

I hope I left some positive imprints behind. I'm not sure if you felt like this, too, but I always felt like I had to walk on eggshells around his daughter. She just seemed so unstable and moody to me; not at all like other 8/9 year olds I've met. I remember during one of her outbursts I said to myself "why am I doing this to myself". It's sad because this kid doesn't have a chance at normal or healthy. Man, just dealing with the little one was emotionally exhausting in itself.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Oh,  StarOfTheSea,  I can relate.   While my ex didn't have difficult kids to deal with like you and Madison experienced (which sounds exceedingly difficult,  bless you both) ,  he had SO many problems.   A very difficult ex for whom he felt a lot of responsibility,  an exceptionally difficult FOO,  crushing financial issues,  legal issues,  health issues.   The list was endless.   I remember saying,  "this is just too much for me." I felt so badly for him b/c he couldn't walk away from this stuff (granted,  he created many of the messes tho not all of them),  but there was always a crisis and,  like you, there was NO WAY I was equipped to handle all of it.   

Right at the end of the r/s,  he'd left me a message to stay out of his life.   I said to myself,  "yea , right,   until there's another crisis.  Then,  you'll be calling me again."   Sure enough,  another crisis hit the very next day.   I said thanks but no thanks.

Just today I was at an afternoon gathering where I had the pleasure of watching a very loving father hang out with his son whom he obviously adored.   The father made mention of his business which sounded quite successful (he wasn't bragging,  just talking).   I left the gathering and thought to myself,  "there are so many good, kind men  in the world who are able to take care of themselves AND their family,  why on earth would I choose to be with someone with SO many crippling issues? "   Such a very (very) bad choice on my end.   Thank God, it is over.