Breaking Free

[Nn877]

Okay where to start :/

I think at this point I've accepted her BPD and am more mad at myself for believing things would work out or I could manage.  Maybe I was just not ready to be alone and wasn't strong enough to move on.  

All the typical BPD r/s dynamics I experienced with her... .the honeymoon period on cloud 9, then the push/pull, rages, and the recycles oh the recycles... .looking back its crazy how many attempts we give that person to crush us even more and we think it's okay.  I really do miss the beginning (idealization stage) it's sad to think it was a facade more than likely.  I was happy probably most I've been in years.  But that was little over two years ago and who she was and who we were is no more. It's just a distant memory.  

I think we stay solely because of wanting that feeling to come back and BPDs will sprinkle some love and affection like a carrot in front of a horse.  We are the horse unforantuely.  I'm not jaded nor do I want to allow myself to hate her because I don't.  I should of respected myself more and stopped after the second recycle.  

My current situation:  for whatever reason after 3 breakups I thought we could make it work, so foolish. We just moved in to a new place and signed a year lease, barely two months in and I'm sleeping on the couch as we speak, also she has two boys 5 and 3, whom I've been a father figure for the last 2.5 years which is hard for me because they are innocent to all this.  

It's at the point she can't stand me and blames me for causing fights between us, my insecurities, double standards, list goes on.  I do understand I def made mistakes but she doesn't sugarcoat anything and makes a point to remind me.  Needless to say it's a very toxic situation right now.  


Part of me wants to stay due to lease terms and trying to figure things out but I'm not wanting to sleep on a couch for the next 10 months and also be rediculed every other day most likely.  I'm def painted black at this point.  Given situation with the boys should I just move out and pay my portion and say my goodbyes to the boys. Or try to limit contact and stay here.  I think I'm gonna have to move out and just pay her my portion cause I really don't think she's wanting to move so sudden since it would be hard on the kids.  

Any insight would be very helpful.  Anyone been in a similar situation regarding living together and a lease.  I could move in with my grandma sucks at age 29 but I don't think staying here is gonna be healthy at all.  

[DyingLove]

My current situation:  for whatever reason after 3 breakups I thought we could make it work, so foolish. We just moved in to a new place and signed a year lease, barely two months in and I'm sleeping on the couch as we speak, also she has two boys 5 and 3, whom I've been a father figure for the last 2.5 years which is hard for me because they are innocent to all this. 

It's at the point she can't stand me and blames me for causing fights between us, my insecurities, double standards, list goes on.  I do understand I def made mistakes but she doesn't sugarcoat anything and makes a point to remind me.  Needless to say it's a very toxic situation right now. 

Sorry, you are going thru this crap.  Somethings definitely remind me of what happened to me too. She has two kids, one is now 21 and out of the house since 18, the other is 9yo and she is at home getting juggled between the mother (ex) and father.  Kid has BIG TIME problems, and I really feel for her.  I was a father figure and role model to her for all the time I was there, but now it is out of my hands.  You can't be where people don't want you to be. You can't do what people don't want you to do.  It was all a matter of keeping score with them.  I was concerned with the childs outcome, they were all just worried that I made "them" look like bad parents.  Actions speak louder than words.  She threatened me at one time that I would "sleep on the couch" but I never did and I never would.  Toxic is an understatement, these people come on softly and then make a tremendous impact when they "set the hook".

[DJmh]

That's rough.  I guess you're in two minds here, one from the practical side of things and one from the emotional. 

From the emotional, are you totally ready to leave.  has she any insight into the situation or has ever given any indication that there may be problem with her thinking and behaviour? Or want to change that?   Do you think there is any hope to move forward in the relationship or is it just all your fault from her point of view generally?

If the answer is no to her willing to accept any responsibility, then I suppose the only option is to leave as you will end up doing this same scenario over and over.

from the practical point of view, it sounds like she wouldn't be able to manage the payments on the house alone and you being a thoroughly decent person are willing to make your share of the payments when your not living there.  I wonder if you'd do the same if she had no kids?

And with the children, would she allow you to see them if you moved out.  You've obviously formed attachments on both sides and to just cut that off would be horrible.  She would surely understand that or would she use it against you to cause more hurt?

At the end of the end of the day, you've been backed into a corner like a trapped animal.  Take you're time, consider your options and then make decisions when not angry and hurt.  Consider the issues that need to be addressed in a rational way so as not to be drawn into an argument and see how the land lies and guage her response. 

Living with your nan is no shameful thing either, especially as you are doing that to abide by your original agreement with the house. 

[Nn877]

Thanks for the replies.  I think it's hard on me because she won't accept her BPD and any time we have talked about her emotional health, she basically tosses it up as this is how I am.  She has been in therapy due to her abusive past relationship.   And She does seem somewhat more mature since we began dating but I feel that is more with age and not addressing her emotional instability. 

It's almost like I want it to work out but I'm at the point now where I know it won't no matter what I do.  I can't see her truly putting in the effort to fix her emotional numbness as she calls it.  And i can't stay around to be labeled as the one with the issues causing the fall of our r/s. I should of known this would happen given our past 3 breakups but of course I didn't listen to myself. 

Now I will be paying rent for a place I do not live in and trying to work things out would be too difficult. 

[Nn877]

So last night was difficult I started to get mix emotions and miss her.  I had to go back to the apartment to pick a dog kennel, (I'm staying at my grandmas right now) I tried to talk to her about the situation and she wasn't very responsive at all and didn't want to talk.  I said okay and left.  Then today she texted me a work related question, we work in same industry.  Which I thought was odd.  I replied and left it at that.

Should I continue to give her space and reach out again in a few days? I do love her and want to work on things but she seems very shut down at the moment.