Some sort of recycle? She made contact to cuss at me

[CloseToFreedom]

I guess you are right. It never really gets better. The contact has just left me confused. Yesterday she was doing small talk again. One minute she says she was planning to talk to me for a few weeks already, the next minute she tells me she's hanging out with the replacement tomorrow.

I just don't see the point in it all. Is she trying to keep the attachment alive, keeping me as back up? Is she just trying to get me to be a friend?

Again, it just leaves me confused. I'll let her talk without replying from now on. Not to give the silent treatment but to let the convo fizzle out. It's doing me no favours. And I was so far removed from the attachment as well. I feel like it has set me back a few steps. Then again, I felt pretty far ahead already, so a few steps back is surviveable. I'll manage.

[Infared]

She is running classic love triangle on you where she is the center of power. (No love there).

You will be better to you if you just block her diatribe and get on with your life.

It takes time.  If your situation is like mine was, there is nothing there for you but hurt, confusion and pain. Remember... .that person is not "well".

[CloseToFreedom]

I have to say I'm new to this triangle stuff. It was never the case during the breaks in our relationship, there wasn't really another man involved back then (well sometimes there was but she dropped them as soon as she saw I was interested again).

So what is the point in these triangles? Is it just for attention, so she can feel the center of the universe? Or is there an end game? I know you can't predict the future, but what does common experience tell? Is she trying to decide which person she goes with eventually, or is it just getting supply from me / keeping the attachment alive for the sake of it?

The fact that I'm asking these questions tells me I should back off asap, by the way, so you are right in that.

[Infared]

"So what is the point in these triangles? Is it just for attention, so she can feel the center of the universe? Or is there an end game? Is she trying to decide which person she goes with eventually, or is it just getting supply from me / keeping the attachment alive for the sake of it?"

It doesn't matter what her point is. How do her actions effect you and your feelings?

You deserve  and want a loving partner.

She is unable to give YOU that.

She continually shows you that she cannot, even though she once may have.

(Trust me, getting to the point that I am describing is no "walk in the park", it takes lots of self love, therapy in my case, and healing).

The question I had to ask myself was: "have I had enough pain yet, or do I want to go back for some more?"

I so, so, so identify with what you are going through.

[CloseToFreedom]

Man, those are some hard (but true) words. I gain nothing from this. Deep down inside I hope for some sort of redemption, knowing that she still wants me. Even though I never could go back.

I need to quit this contact. Its not helping me. Why do they do this? Its like they want us to suffer!

[peacefulmind]

Man, those are some hard (but true) words. I gain nothing from this. Deep down inside I hope for some sort of redemption, knowing that she still wants me. Even though I never could go back.

I need to quit this contact. Its not helping me. Why do they do this? Its like they want us to suffer!

To keep us around in case the triangulation complex kicks in again. I noticed this after the BU with my ex-BPD. My ex has had a years long dispute with one of his/her family members, where I have acted as support and enabled the bad behavior between them both, by indulging my ex's stories about this family member. After the breakup, I noticed how the relationship between was all of a sudden fixed. After reading up on triangulation and the dynamics of painting black and white, I realised I was painted black whereas the family member was now painted white. It's a ridiculous view of the world, but it is the truth for many BPDs. I'm not sure it implicates direct wish to cause you suffer, even if it feels that way, but she wants to keep you in loop in case she needs to paint the replacement black. That's at least part of the reason why I believe my ex-BPD never deletes contacts of former ex's - to make sure there is plenty supply of guys/girls to paint white whenever it is needed.

[CloseToFreedom]

Thrown her off my phone. Feck it. It really messes with my mind. And she's with someone else, I don't want to be triangulated. I'm worth more than that. I won't answer anything by her anymore.

[enlighten me]

Good for you CTF

Now is your time. Time for you to live your own life and move forward.

[CloseToFreedom]

Yeah, she noticed she's not on my phone anymore and send a few messages.

'So I'm not on your phone anymore again?'

'Apparently'

Thats all I received. Haven't replied. Time to stay strong.

As for living my own life and moving forward: that was exactly what I was doing the past few months. This is just a setback. Going to keep moving on.

[Infared]

Man, those are some hard (but true) words. I gain nothing from this. Deep down inside I hope for some sort of redemption, knowing that she still wants me. Even though I never could go back.

I need to quit this contact. Its not helping me. Why do they do this? Its like they want us to suffer!

I had to get on the page, (at the time I unfortunately knew nothing about BPD), and see that this person was in a new relationship and that she was was just toying with me. She was sick. ... .at times she was enjoying the pain that she was causing me... .I saw it on her face.

I was in therapy and I made a decision to have absolute NC. Interacting with her was just not healthy 4 me. Way too painful. I changed my phone number. I had to, to protect myself and to send out a clear message to her.  That decision definitely got me further down the road from the insanity that is BPD... .When I was in the middle of the situation, with her calculated contacts, I could not see clearly.

[CloseToFreedom]

She kept texting last night so I tried to make it clear that I don't see the advantage (for me) to have contact. I asked her what she got out of the contact. I dunno, maybe hoping for a truthful answer?

She said she made contact because we had 'some sort of relationship' for 4,5 years (some sort of relationship? thanks... .) and that she heard rumours and was worried about me. So she wanted to check how I was doing. That she was okay in cutting the contact now that she knows that I'm doing fine.

I dunno, seems like a nonsense answer. She hasn't asked me once how I was doing in the days that she contacted me. I've made it clear that Im doing better now, but she never asked by herself. I think its just a way for her to show me that she doesn't care anymore, to not give the power away.

Right, seems like she's fine with no contact. Onwards with life... .

[LonelyChild]

... .and she ends with the statement that I'm still the same egocentric, lying ass she remembers. ... .

This is obvious shame. My ex did the same thing. Called me an egocentric lying ass. I'm the opposite. Very honest, and anything but egocentric. Even her mom once said "I don't know how you put up with my daughter, she's so incredibly egocentric."

Deep down, my ex knows this. She's trying to project it onto me. But she can't. I'm too good of a person for that.

[Infared]

She kept texting last night so I tried to make it clear that I don't see the advantage (for me) to have contact. I asked her what she got out of the contact. I dunno, maybe hoping for a truthful answer?

She said she made contact because we had 'some sort of relationship' for 4,5 years (some sort of relationship? thanks... .) and that she heard rumours and was worried about me. So she wanted to check how I was doing. That she was okay in cutting the contact now that she knows that I'm doing fine.

I dunno, seems like a nonsense answer. She hasn't asked me once how I was doing in the days that she contacted me. I've made it clear that Im doing better now, but she never asked by herself. I think its just a way for her to show me that she doesn't care anymore, to not give the power away.

Right, seems like she's fine with no contact. Onwards with life... .

She needs/wants to be in contact with you to keep you in the wings. She will NEVER admit that... .so she postures and acts like she is being compassionate. If she actually cared (not just says she cares), she would be there. She is keeping in contact with you for her own selfish needs only.  Disregard all of her words and carefully watch her actions. They tell the very painful true story. I know. I lived it, too.

I feel for you... .I suffered way longer than I needed to. ... .but the sooner you cut all contact the sooner you can start to heal. I could be wrong... .but your situation just reeks of mine!

[Infared]

... .and she ends with the statement that I'm still the same egocentric, lying ass she remembers. ... .

This is obvious shame. My ex did the same thing. Called me an egocentric lying ass. I'm the opposite. Very honest, and anything but egocentric. Even her mom once said "I don't know how you put up with my daughter, she's so incredibly egocentric."

Deep down, my ex knows this. She's trying to project it onto me. But she can't. I'm too good of a person for that.

There Ya go!   

[CloseToFreedom]

I appreciate the way you make clear that you've been there as well, Infared. It makes me feel less crazy / pathetic. Because having (low) contact with her IS making me feel kind of weak, like I don't belong on this part of the forum, like I'm doing something I'm not supposed to. Its very difficult. If my ex truly cared about me, she would have left me alone for good, so that I could continue the healing. Instead, this makes me feel like the healing is on pause, of even slightly progressing backwards. Which is just what she wants, probably. Destroy any progress I've made so that I remain forever broken. Its like she can only comfortably go on with life knowing that her toy has stopped moving, is safely stored so that if she ever feels like taking it out, she can just do that.

[Beach_Babe]

Wow,great thread! My ex used to break contact all the time, simply to scream at me. During the devaluation period he routinely kept me blocked. He never really called either. When he did talk it was after much pleading on my part, and he did nothing but whine he was tired, sick and needed rest. Or, hed talk a little then drop me immediately once someone better came online.  Then hed be up all night chatting with other people. He had very strict rules about contact. Id literally need permission to call him. Yet he had NO problem calling me to insult me or scream whenever his rules were broken or  it benefitted him. Sometimes hed make contact after a period of ST just to make me cry. He could go for hours, and there was no reasoning with him.  His words were so cruel itd literally leave me screaming in the fetal position. If I hung up hed call back 50 times. If I took phone off hook hed call back the next day to finish. Yet hed be the first to tell you all about my "text torture" or how I bothered him. A reverse recycle, I guess. Very twisted.

[Infared]

I appreciate the way you make clear that you've been there as well, Infared. It makes me feel less crazy / pathetic. Because having (low) contact with her IS making me feel kind of weak, like I don't belong on this part of the forum, like I'm doing something I'm not supposed to. Its very difficult. If my ex truly cared about me, she would have left me alone for good, so that I could continue the healing. Instead, this makes me feel like the healing is on pause, of even slightly progressing backwards. Which is just what she wants, probably. Destroy any progress I've made so that I remain forever broken. Its like she can only comfortably go on with life knowing that her toy has stopped moving, is safely stored so that if she ever feels like taking it out, she can just do that.

Sometimes I felt that behind a ploy of sincerity, my ex pwBPD only made contact with me to see if the hook was still set. Nothing more. That realization was quite sickening, but if recognized directly (at times I witnessed her gloating),  it helped me to move on from a very sick human being.

[CloseToFreedom]

Well, update: I've been totally off her phone and blocked since yesterday, so guess that's the end of this round of contact    Takes some getting used to again though, you get used to the contact FAST. Pretty dangerous stuff. But I'll be alright.

[CloseToFreedom]

Small update, haven't heard from her all weekend and still blocked. Guess the need for attention is over! Feeling better and more relaxed already. It is incredible how fast you can catch those 'fleas' from them.

[CloseToFreedom]

An update again; haven't heard from her in a week.

Strange thing was though her best friend (female friend) called me through Whatsapp today and hung up immediately. Asked her what that was about and she said she made a mistake, wanted to send a photo to her mother. Strange, as those are two entirely different actions. Now the way to make a call on whatsapp is to click this icon that is next to my picture and whatsapp status. Something tells me she was checking those out and accidentally clicked on the call icon. I've been thinking this friend of my ex has been keeping tabs one me, she was also the one with my ex when they went out to the place I always visit.

Just a small thing but it kinda triggered me. I have no doubt my ex is keeping tabs on me, though all kinds of ways, including her friend.

[enlighten me]

Seems pretty obvious she's keeping tabs or at least her friends are for her. Ive often thought about putting something on fb to see if it triggers my ex but I dont need the hassle. At the end of the day them stalking you has no effect on you unless you let it.

[CloseToFreedom]

How about posting my new shoes on instagram and her doing the same next day. Lol. What a 'coincidence'.

Anyway each day of no direct contact is making me feel more at peace! Never expected to get there.

[Mutt]

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