Feeling dead inside

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It's been 9 long torturous months since I said "I'm done" and stopped engaging... .It truly frightens me that there are times some days where I feel so depleted of hope,  of warmth of resolve even to keep going... .There was a conflict recently in a community group I'm part of and people's masks dropped... .I believe I was again confronted with narcissism,  devaluing,  blame shifting,  bullying... .  This group had been an outlet during the relationship and since for me... .  I am once again disillusioned and sore and feel as raw as a chewed bone.  I feel I am now done with that group... .there is relief in that... .I dont have to pretend to not see or hear certain things... .I am concerned that with this knowledge or insight that I am going to be either spending all my time alone or so detached from others that it makes living unbearable... .Can anyone relate?  I know 'this too shall pass'  I only pray it's soon! 

[disillusionedandsore]

It's been 9 long torturous months since I said "I'm done" and stopped engaging... .It truly frightens me that there are times some days where I feel so depleted of hope,  of warmth of resolve even to keep going... .There was a conflict recently in a community group I'm part of and people's masks dropped... .I believe I was again confronted with narcissism,  devaluing,  blame shifting,  bullying... .  This group had been an outlet during the relationship and since for me... .  I am once again disillusioned and sore and feel as raw as a chewed bone.  I feel I am now done with that group... .there is relief in that... .I dont have to pretend to not see or hear certain things... .I am concerned that with this knowledge or insight that I am going to be either spending all my time alone or so detached from others that it makes living unbearable... .Can anyone relate?  I know 'this too shall pass'  I only pray it's soon! 

[going places]

It's been 9 long torturous months since I said "I'm done" and stopped engaging... .It truly frightens me that there are times some days where I feel so depleted of hope,  of warmth of resolve even to keep going... .

Keep moving forward. Those depleted days will get fewer and fewer, further and further behind you.

There was a conflict recently in a community group I'm part of and people's masks dropped... .I believe I was again confronted with narcissism,  devaluing,  blame shifting,  bullying... .  This group had been an outlet during the relationship and since for me... .  I am once again disillusioned and sore and feel as raw as a chewed bone.  I feel I am now done with that group... .there is relief in that... .

In the past, I was quick to 'blame myself'. I would wonder "what did I do to deserve this' or "what have I done to earn this treatment'. I seemed to 'attract' a lot of folks that preyed on my inability to set and maintain boundaries, and accepted unacceptable treatment from others... .

Today, I can sit back and 'realistically and logically' look at a situation and assess where I am 'part of the problem' OR where it's manipulation / head games.

I am still a work in progress and old habits are hard to break... .but I am getting better!

I dont have to pretend to not see or hear certain things... .I am concerned that with this knowledge or insight that I am going to be either spending all my time alone or so detached from others that it makes living unbearable... .Can anyone relate?  I know 'this too shall pass'  I only pray it's soon! 

Years ago, there was a 'family friend' who was a bully, manipulator, and down right nasty.

After years of his crap, I said "NO MORE" (read a book called "Nasty People" by Dr. Jay Carter).

Everyone thought I was a monster.

One by one, I started eliminating the 'blood suckers' out of my life... .

And one by one, the NEXT one on the list was ALWAYS the 'loudest' about how awful I was for not being friends w/ so in so, or not inviting so in so to the party... .

I was surrounded.

Learning about healthy relationship, healthy boundaries, etc. has helped me TREMENDOUSLY in forming new friendships / relationships that are healthy.

Yes I can relate.

There were times when I would stop and wonder "can it be that *I* am the problem"... .and after talking with a counselor, reading reading praying praying... .no. It was not me. It was not, me.

Hang in there. Keep pruning dead branches off your tree of life!

[disillusionedandsore]

Thanks for this... .  Yes been riddled with self doubt.  As painful as the process is,  you are so right... .Pruning... .Learning discernment... .not blaming myself.  I have spent my Life taking on crazy-making blame and believing it must be me! I truly didnt understand the no-win set ups!   Your response brought me a lot of peace!  Muchos gracias :-)

[myself]

Maybe it's not feeling dead inside, but that you're coming back to life?

Making positive decisions and looking after yourself in better ways?

A change like that can take awhile to process. Then you'll flourish.

[Infared]

Thanks for this... .  Yes been riddled with self doubt.  As painful as the process is,  you are so right... .Pruning... .Learning discernment... .not blaming myself.  I have spent my Life taking on crazy-making blame and believing it must be me! I truly didnt understand the no-win set ups!   Your response brought me a lot of peace!  Muchos gracias :-)

I doubted myself always. My siblings as we became adults told me regularly that "I was less than".   Yet I was the one by my mother's bedside every night when she was dying, telling her that I loved her and showed it with my actions. I would take her dog into visit. Cool stuff.   Guess who wasn't there.

I went into therapy after the end of my BPD relationship when all of this was going on... .and my therapist kept asking me... ."do you get it yet"... .

... .and then one day she said... .":)on't you get it. When are you going to get it.  YOU are the healthy one."... .

The light went on for me in that moment... .and to keep with the terminology of this thread... .I cut a LOT of branches!   

[apollotech]

Hi disillusioned,

"... .I am concerned that with this knowledge or insight that I am going to be either spending all my time alone or so detached from others that it makes living unbearable... ."

Yes, I have been where you're at. Several years ago my marriage of 22 years ended. A few months later, my career of 18 years ended. Two months later, my mother passed. All of these events occurred within an 8 month period. Believe me, I didn't have to worry about becoming a recluse, I was a recluse. I entered my home, shut my door, and there would be weeks where I never ventured outside. The only thing that got me out of my unwashed robe on many days was my love/obligations/responsibilities to my son, he was 6 at the time. I was strong enough to never show him where I was at; I thank God that he never saw his father that way; he never met my companion.

Needless to say, I had become the living dead. I was living but not alive. My friends abandoned me one by one (not their fault and I do not hold them accountable as I forced their abandonment) as I withdrew further and further into my dead life.

Stupidly, I did not seek help for my depression. It became my companion, my lover by default. That companion lived with me for two years, never leaving my side. It woke with me, slept with me, ate with me, showered with me, worked with me, etc. It caressed me and held me in its silent darkness. It "loved" me.

One day the sun was shinning a little brighter, the birds sang a little more joyfully. My companion began distancing itself from me. It became more frequent that I would awaken without my companion. I began to slowly venture beyond my door: people were there, I saw them, and, more importantly, they saw me. They acknowledged my existence; I could no longer be dead. My door, those "people" that were beyond it, became my threshold to reenter life. One day I felt alive, my companion had given me up, it had left me for dead as I was now alive.

So yes, I have worn your unwashed robe. You are depressed. Do not do what I stupidly did for two years. Seek professional help now. That silent blackness that you are heading towards, or are possibly already in, will love you... .until you are the living dead.

[Hopeless777]

Hi disillusioned,

"... .I am concerned that with this knowledge or insight that I am going to be either spending all my time alone or so detached from others that it makes living unbearable... ."

Yes, I have been where you're at. Several years ago my marriage of 22 years ended. A few months later, my career of 18 years ended. Two months later, my mother passed. All of these events occurred within an 8 month period. Believe me, I didn't have to worry about becoming a recluse, I was a recluse. I entered my home, shut my door, and there would be weeks where I never ventured outside. The only thing that got me out of my unwashed robe on many days was my love/obligations/responsibilities to my son, he was 6 at the time. I was strong enough to never show him where I was at; I thank God that he never saw his father that way; he never met my companion.

Needless to say, I had become the living dead. I was living but not alive. My friends abandoned me one by one (not their fault and I do not hold them accountable as I forced their abandonment) as I withdrew further and further into my dead life.

Stupidly, I did not seek help for my depression. It became my companion, my lover by default. That companion lived with me for two years, never leaving my side. It woke with me, slept with me, ate with me, showered with me, worked with me, etc. It caressed me and held me in its silent darkness. It "loved" me.

One day the sun was shinning a little brighter, the birds sang a little more joyfully. My companion began distancing itself from me. It became more frequent that I would awaken without my companion. I began to slowly venture beyond my door: people were there, I saw them, and, more importantly, they saw me. They acknowledged my existence; I could no longer be dead. My door, those "people" that were beyond it, became my threshold to reenter life. One day I felt alive, my companion had given me up, it had left me for dead as I was now alive.

So yes, I have worn your unwashed robe. You are depressed. Do not do what I stupidly did for two years. Seek professional help now. That silent blackness that you are heading towards, or are possibly already in, will love you... .until you are the living dead.

Totally agree with Apollotech. Don't join the Walking Dead.  No telling how long you'll be one of them. After a 25+ year marriage to a dBPDw, I joined those ranks for about three months before creating a therapy team: psychiatrist, therapist, new friends, twelve step programs for codependency, etc. Isolation is the kiss of death.

[going places]

I spent 2 years "in the unwashed robe".

My ex dropped the bomb on me 22 years into the marriage.

I stayed, 3 more... .

1 Year w/ undiagnosed PTSD and depression (I was told not to talk about it or I was unforgiving)

1 year knowing I was depressed, w PTSD, but couldn't move to get help.

I had no friends to reach out too. I had no family, to reach out too... .

Once I started seeing an advocate individually and in group settings... .then the sun started shining thru my cracks.

Do not join the walking dead... .please, seek help. Please.

[disillusionedandsore]

This unwashed robe thing seems to have taken on a life of it's own which is making me laugh anyway!      . Thanks for your concern,  I am in one to one counselling,  active in a support group,  on this site for the past year... .journal,  reach out,  feeling the feelings,  reading up lately,  on betrayal bonds and attachment styles... .lots of processing going on... .I am aware that isolation is not good for mental health... .  I swim,  do yoga,  walk,  am a member of a couple of voluntary community groups,  see friends when I can... .I'd like to think I'm doing okay... .I am still missing being in an intimate relationship,  missing the on-going sharing... .

... .the recent disillusionment with the group,  hit me hard.  Again in hindsight,  I was seeing certain individuals ' behaviour as nasty,  exploitative,  controlling etc.  I liked the personalities but not the morals!  Big lesson I feel about living in accordance with my values... .as at an earlier point I had witnessed what I considered bullying,  shared it when I came home with my ex... .didn't give it the attention it deserved (in the fog)... .bought the lies of the group... .knew better... .oh well.