Holidays and weekends

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

When weekends and holidays come, why do I feel so lonely and maybe abandoned? Is it what ex did to me? Trying hard to get away from the attachment but it hurts.

[DyingLove]

When weekends and holidays come, why do I feel so lonely and maybe abandoned? Is it what ex did to me? Trying hard to get away from the attachment but it hurts.

[valet]

I'm sorry you're feeling down.

The adjustment period for these big chunks of free time is pretty difficult, definitely.

I adjusted rather quickly to them by distracting myself quite imaginatively. Going out, meeting new people, and having positive experiences were a big help. It may seem like moving a mountain at first, but these good times in the face of bad ones really can and do change your attitude about the seemingly endless amounts of free time that we are allowed after exiting a relationship. They all also give us the opportunity to 'find' ourselves, in the sense that we can indeed function normally without our ex's.

Good luck!

[DyingLove]

I'm sorry you're feeling down.

The adjustment period for these big chunks of free time is pretty difficult, definitely.

I adjusted rather quickly to them by distracting myself quite imaginatively. Going out, meeting new people, and having positive experiences were a big help. It may seem like moving a mountain at first, but these good times in the face of bad ones really can and do change your attitude about the seemingly endless amounts of free time that we are allowed after exiting a relationship. They all also give us the opportunity to 'find' ourselves, in the sense that we can indeed function normally without our ex's.

Good luck!

Thanks valet. Chunks of free time is a good way to put it. I can't believe I'm sitting here feeling crappy about the ex. God please pull me out of this mess. Is this how she wanted me to become?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey DyingLove, When I was married to my BPDxW, I relished free time away from her, because she was extremely insecure and cling-y, which I found smothering.  I only mention it because now you actually have that free time, which is honestly a gift, though I understand that it doesn't feel like that at the moment.  If I can suggest something, it would be to be to focus on yourself and do the things that make you happy.  In my view, it's not about calling on God to get you out of this mess, nor is it about what your Ex wants you to become.  It's about empowering yourself to treat yourself well and to parent the hurt child within.  You are the solution.  Does this make sense?

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

I was walking on eggshells before the weekend would arrive or holidays because I didn't know if I was going to be accused of something and I'd feel horrible and couldn't wait for the workweek to start.  I was ridden with anxiety on Fridays before leaving the workplace dreading coming through the door not knowing if she was going to be nice or hostile.

Sure enough there'd be drama on either the Saturday or Sunday. I'm glad that I've been out of it for awhile now and it's someone else in that place and not me. I'll take a quiet weekend alone and I don't miss the walking on eggshells.

I can understand how difficult detachment is and the separation anxiety. I was in it and hated it and for a time I missed it when I was fresh out of it. It took me a year of going through all of the holidays to not think about her or miss her too.

[RedDove]

Dying Love, it's perfectly normal and natural to feel lonely on the weekends and holidays. I ended the encounter with my BPD exbf in May of last year, right before Memorial Day and the Summer and other Holiday weekends.

Readimg many stories it seems females suffering from BPD tend to need a "lot" of attention. So there's a lot of down time and emptiness to fill when the relationship ends. My situation was very different. My ex BPDbf was the quiet WAIF type. He preferred spending time without me. We only spent one full holiday weekend away. I booked and paid for a beautiful room at a resort on the beach. He didnt want to explore or really do anything. We only spent a few hours at the beach. He spent the majority of the weekend in the hotel room watching TV! What a waste of money on my part! So i realized my Holiday weekends were empty even when I was with him.

Reality was that him spending time with me was always a battle. That aspect "never" woulda changed. He was engulfed by me and the the intimacy I wanted/needed in the relationship. Of course a year later in retrospect, I realize he likely wasn't alone, but with another or other woman/women. The same story will repeat itself over and over! He's had two replacements in the past year. Neither seems to have worked out.

Here's what helped me fill the down time and meet new people:

- I joined several local Meetup Groups in my area. www.meetup.com

- I joined the local American Legion Auxuliary to volunteer

- I reconnected with former classmates from my high school

- I started taking Yoga/Meditation classes to releive the stress

- I started walking with my favorite tunes on my Ipod which really helped to get my energy back up and fill the void

I hope some of these suggestions help! Be gentle and kind to yourself. Always accept that you're doing the best you can for yourself in that particular moment.

[Hurricanes]

The weekends tend to be very lonely.  I am in a small town and there isn't a lot of options to get out and do things.  I am not into going to the bar so that pretty much limits what to do in town.  Someday I hope and dream that things will get better.

[DyingLove]

Thank you all. As always I have to say that without the people here I wouldn't be as far along as I am. I don't feel very far along, but I know I am when I think back in the beginning of March or mid March when I got back to New York.

Valet hit it pretty much on the head. Adjustment period and big chunks of free time. Sometimes we don't see the little things that we really do need to see. When somebody like valet mentions the time it takes to adjust, it does shine a light on something that needs to be recognized. Once again were talking about time, and time being a healer.

Getting out and being distracted is crucial. I do know this, although right now I don't really practice it. I do get out somewhat, but I don't get out socially with the actual intent of meeting with others. I do have the people that I talked to here in BPD family, some very nice individuals on Facebook, and a few other good friends elsewhere on the Internet. Add to that lately it's been getting cold again here, and for some reason unbeknownst to me, I'm really exhausted and can't get enough sleep.

Lucky Jim, thank you for your words. I think there was a time also when being alone would have been a blessing. I don't know that I've ever had significant other in my life that smothered me with attention or even love. Just having someone around is always nice and if they love you that's the icing on the cake. Your suggestion to focus on myself is very good, and that is something I sincerely try to do. I try to keep myself occupied lately with work. I could never get enough work done on my website, so it distracts me very nicely, although I do get used to it and revert back to ruminating on the X. I do believe I am the solution and I hold the solution. It does make perfect sense Jim. Praying to God as well as listening to inspirational videos and reading books does help. In the least it allows time to pass while my mind is somewhere else. I've been spending time trying to help others also mainly on Facebook, but are pretty down on themselves and even worse than I was. Thank you Jim.

Thank you Mutt. I can directly relate to walking on eggshells. There were various times and not only weekends and holidays when I was with the X that I would feel anxious and out of sorts, not knowing what was about to happen. I agree about not being able to wait for the work week to start again. Actually, I think the X shared that. As much as she wanted the weekend, she couldn't wait to get back to work at times and I'm assuming it's to keep her mind occupied. There was drama usually on Saturday or Sunday and more often on Sunday. I don't miss it, not one bit. I don't raise my voice anymore, and I don't get angry, well at least I don't get angry about things that I used to get angry about. That's a good thing. I'm only in a couple of months and the holidays and weekends are as tough as they've ever been. Hopefully this will be blowing over soon.

Thank you redDove. My ex was the type who would always be at Busch Gardens and Disney World if she had the chance. Damn, the weeks that I left she took off two days to go to Disney World with her daughter. Her SOB brother bought her tickets. He was against me and us from the very start. She and him were quite codependent. I was more of a realist and new that visiting theme parks was living above our means. The fact that I was responsible in my thinking upset her dramatically. She gave very little thought to our future if she gave it any thought at all. Even though she enjoyed saving a buck on sale items, she was very irresponsible about money. Months before I met her physically, I had contributed plenty of money to her to pay her rent, utilities, I even got her a telephone because she couldn't afford what she had. That just touches the tip of the iceberg. That also reminds me of how used I felt and feel. To take your suggestions I think I will be doing much more in the way of meeting people and helping people locally as soon as the weather turns warmer and stays that way. Waking up achy and cold every day isn't exactly something that makes you feel outgoing.

Hurricanes, I understand your outlook on being outgoing in a small town. Throughout my life I never frequented bars or clubs, I've never been to a strip joint, and I'm not very much into spending money to have a nice evening. We don't really need those things to be social, and we definitely don't need those things to meet somebody worthy of us. So time goes on.

Thank you all for your worthy input. It's 8:42 PM right now on Friday evening. I think back on what I would have been doing had I still been with my ex. Probably getting the little one a shower now, and then getting ready for some television and lovemaking in the bedroom. Somebody recently commented how they had forgotten how wonderful it is to be with somebody that loves you in a normal fashion. I really look forward to that.

[spottydog]

- I joined several local Meetup Groups in my area. www.meetup.com

Be gentle and kind to yourself. Always accept that you're doing the best you can for yourself in that particular moment.

Thanks for that RedDove... .Had no idea these Meetup groups existed. I have now joined a local one and and am looking forward to making some new friends and doing new things! Desperate to find things that don't relate to my 'previous existence!'

[UserName69]

When weekends and holidays come, why do I feel so lonely and maybe abandoned? Is it what ex did to me? Trying hard to get away from the attachment but it hurts.

That's because you're not keeping your self busy with fun activities. Go out with friends, hang around in clubs, start new hobbies, meet new people with the same interests as you, start dating just forget about her. You need to have a lot of fun and believe me you really can do it. I'm over my ex and I don't miss her, everyday I realize that I'm so happy that the relationship ended because I'm having a lot of fun. I'm having success with a business plan I set up with a friend of mine and we're making a lot of progress so I'm really happy about that so I have no time to think about my ex. Today I was at my social club talking with a friend, the topic was our exes. We had a great laughter I even got tears of laughing, you know I do realize that my BPDex had nothing good to offer.

I'm having more fun than I ever had with her, there is nothing better then making sport bets and watching those sport matches under the joy of a Cuban cigar with your buddies (I freakin love the smell of a burning Cuban cigar :D). I even met a new girl I have been dating with, she's better than my ex and she seems normal to me. Couple days ago she told me that she wants to know me better, she told me about her future plans and I know this girl has a lot of positive things to offer.

Thanks to my BPDex I can enjoy all these things, if she didn't treat me bad I would never have been in this position I have been enjoying now. Me and my BPDex broke up almost one months ago, but since two weeks ago it was official. I knew I can get a better girl so why should I even bother. It might look that I have moved on quickly well that's because I hate my BPDex, when I met this new girl I realized that my BPDex is a loser and she'll never achieve anything in her life. I have so many positive things in my life now, she isn't even worth to be in my mind.

You really shouldn't spend a lot of time thinking about her, you need to accept the fact it's over. Don't love her, that's a big mistake people make, when you start to miss her think all about the negative things she did to you. Try to improve yourself, doing nothing will make things only worse you're going to get depressed. Just remember this: GET BUSY AND IMPROVE YOURSELF!

[Mutt]

Getting out and being distracted is crucial. I do know this, although right now I don't really practice it. I do get out somewhat, but I don't get out socially with the actual intent of meeting with others

Are you feeling a little down or depressed?

[DyingLove]

Getting out and being distracted is crucial. I do know this, although right now I don't really practice it. I do get out somewhat, but I don't get out socially with the actual intent of meeting with others

Are you feeling a little down or depressed?

Hi Mutt.  Right now I don't know how to explain it. Maybe if I say it, I'll hear it.

Waking up is tough now.  I am actually feeling physically crappy for about 3 days. I've been exhausted for maybe 2 weeks.  I'm feeling more "numb" about the ex and the RS (at one point I didn't know what numb feelings meant but now I do).  I'm still NC, and I still don't have that urge to go out and mingle and be social.  If my son comes to get me and bring me to his house, usually I'll go.  I'm happy just sitting by myself out in the sunshine and getting air and playing on my phone.  People will be around me and I'll talk, so I'm not catatonic.  Sadness pops in now and again, it's almost like I make myself sad with my thoughts.  Not pity, but if I throw my mind in the same room with my thoughts, I'll cry or choke up... .just like now.  I can only put my head somewhere else to stop it. Sometimes it is really overpowering.  The other day I got emotional during a conversation with my son, and I felt so bad because he said: Don't be getting emotional with me now. And I know it's because he didn't know what to do and how to feel.  So I was awkward.

So in a nutshell, I'm keeping to myself right now, trying to stay distracted and motivated, and positive, But it's like I'm so run down.

[myself]

So in a nutshell, I'm keeping to myself right now, trying to stay distracted and motivated, and positive, But it's like I'm so run down.

You can think of yourself like a rechargeable battery.

You may find yourself low at times, but that can usually change.

So... .You're recharging now. With much more energy to come.

[DyingLove]

So in a nutshell, I'm keeping to myself right now, trying to stay distracted and motivated, and positive, But it's like I'm so run down.

You can think of yourself like a rechargeable battery.

You may find yourself low at times, but that can usually change.

So... .You're recharging now. With much more energy to come.

Correct Myself!  Good way of seeing it!  So I guess I need a nice grilled steak!  (did I just say that?) LOL

[Hurricanes]

Are meet up groups mainly for younger folks, or of all ages i.e. middle-aged?

[RedDove]

Hurricanes, the meet up groups are for all ages! At least in my area that's what I've found to be true.  Some groups even list the age range on the group profile. I'm 48 and found a bunch of groups to join with folks in my age rage=40's & 50's!

Some groups are dining out, wine tasting, trivia, board games, seeing a local band, BBQ's, Book clubs, activities like running, walking, hiking or kayaking. Some groups cost a small fee to join, like $12 and some activities coast a fee such as renting a kayak. However, there are also many that are free, like outdoor activities.

Just go to the site, join and then you can search to see the groups in your area. Hope you find some fun stuff to do for the summer!