My sister is raging because I bought a desk.

[TwilightVelvet]

I bought a cheap lil desk from Walmart yesterday because I had been using a folding table. My sister came over and was fuming the whole time. Then she called my mom and railed against me and my husband and daughter. My mom called me just now and was telling me about how my sister was so furious and telling her how I should not do this, I should do that etc. Basically dictating how I live and what I do or don't do.

I work two jobs through the day with no days off, no paid leave of any kind, no vacations, 7 days a week for years now. I'm not rich, I have bills, and I don't see why I should be attacked and treated like a monster for buying a dinky little desk. If you saw it you would just laugh. It's basically three pieces of compressed wood. But I'm not supposed to buy it because my sister is "poor" and "starving."

[Pilate]

I'm glad you found this community, TV. You have arrived at a place where people have similar experiences and challenges that you describe.

It is so frustrating when people take innocent or necessary actions and turn and twist them into something that make no sense like "I'm not supposed to buy [a desk] because my sister is "poor" and "starving."" It must be especially hurtful when you are working as much as you do, and your sister chooses to focus on weird, negative things instead of all the effort and work that you do.

Although most of us here do not have family members with a formal diagnosis, it sounds like your sister exhibits a number of troubling and disturbing behaviors, and I encourage you to learn as much as you can about helping yourself because it sounds like your sister is not in a place where she wants to get help or change.

My husband's sister is uBPD (undiagnosed BPD), and she has made some similar accusations about our purchases and parenting styles that are just outer limits. What I have learned with the help of this site and counseling for myself is that my SIL is projecting her feelings about herself and her life when she begins to complain and get angry with family members about us.

Would you say that your sister uses your mom to unload and vent to if she does not confront you directly? My SIL does this with my DH's mom. This is a difficult situation and communication pattern to change. We had a similar dynamic where SIL would get angry with us or someone else, tell her mom, and then DH's mom would call us. Drama! Over the past 3-4 years I have repeated over and over again to MIL that I don't want to hear about SIL's anger or issues, and I will change the subject or I will need to hang up or leave if MIL can't stop talking. This is my boundary: I want to communicate directly with people and not invite gossip or talk behind someone's back because I value honesty. (This is not easy!) It took MIL awhile to realize that I was serious and consistent with my boundary. Do you think this is something you could do with your mom? Let your mom know that you do not want to hear when your sister is bad mouthing you or other people? Your mom also has the choice to set the same boundary with her daughter.

Of course, when we set a boundary, we have to be willing to enforce the boundary because boundaries are about us and our actions; they aren't about controlling another person or expecting them to do something for us. We then have to remove ourselves or end the conversations if the other person does not respect our boundary; we don't wait for them to stop doing a behavior--we focus on our behavior and what we do.

Here is a link to a workshop on boundaries, which I return to over and over: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

You will find lots of resources and support, TV.