Things have gotten pretty bad

[Depression = 72% of members]

Things have gotten really bad lately. I am still constantly struggling with how to deal with my uBPD mom. I'm an adult, living on my own and in school, and all of the sudden she has this burning desperation to help and fix me with some new age stuff that I don't want to be a part of. When I say no, it's like the sky has shattered into a million pieces. The guilt-inducing tears about how I won't let her help me, the anger that I didn't give it a fair shot, the threats that if I don't want her help maybe she should just stay out of my life. HOW is anybody supposed to maintain a relationship with someone like that? A mother like that. Every time it happens I just feel wrecked inside. I've been to therapy, I've read the books. I set boundaries, I stay calm, I do what feels right for me. But it's so hard to keep enduring the consequences of trying to forge my own personhood and be tethered to her. But it also feels even harder to untie, let go, and sever the relationship altogether. I don't know how many more years I can do this.  

On top of that, I have felt this burning need to recover a lot of repressed memories. Like they are hiding and wreaking havoc in my mind and I just need to identify them, process them, and move on. But I can't remember them. So I decided to ask my dad some questions that have long gone unanswered. I thought we were in the same boat, not finding out about her illness until I was in college. But I found out that he knew since I was a little girl. I don't know how to explain how much that has devastated me. How could he have known all of that time and never ONCE said anything. Never come to me after her raging punishments when I was hiding in the bathroom curled up in the fetal position and said- this is not normal. This is not your fault. You do not deserve this. I don't understand how he could have left me with her year after year to go on business trips, knowing he had triggered her fear of abandonment and that we were alone with her. I grew up my whole life thinking I deserved what I got from her. That the terror I felt constantly was just normal household dynamics. I have had to fight so hard, and unravel so much, to have some semblance of a happy adulthood. And it could have been so much easier if he had decided to pay attention. I don't understand how he could have watched all of that happen and never explain anything to me.

I feel like the bottom has fallen out and I have no energy or motivation for real-life obligations. I randomly break down and cry throughout the day. I can barely make myself go outside. I have a session with my T on Tuesday, I'm just trying to get by until then.

[lavalove]

Things have gotten really bad lately. I am still constantly struggling with how to deal with my uBPD mom. I'm an adult, living on my own and in school, and all of the sudden she has this burning desperation to help and fix me with some new age stuff that I don't want to be a part of. When I say no, it's like the sky has shattered into a million pieces. The guilt-inducing tears about how I won't let her help me, the anger that I didn't give it a fair shot, the threats that if I don't want her help maybe she should just stay out of my life. HOW is anybody supposed to maintain a relationship with someone like that? A mother like that. Every time it happens I just feel wrecked inside. I've been to therapy, I've read the books. I set boundaries, I stay calm, I do what feels right for me. But it's so hard to keep enduring the consequences of trying to forge my own personhood and be tethered to her. But it also feels even harder to untie, let go, and sever the relationship altogether. I don't know how many more years I can do this.  

On top of that, I have felt this burning need to recover a lot of repressed memories. Like they are hiding and wreaking havoc in my mind and I just need to identify them, process them, and move on. But I can't remember them. So I decided to ask my dad some questions that have long gone unanswered. I thought we were in the same boat, not finding out about her illness until I was in college. But I found out that he knew since I was a little girl. I don't know how to explain how much that has devastated me. How could he have known all of that time and never ONCE said anything. Never come to me after her raging punishments when I was hiding in the bathroom curled up in the fetal position and said- this is not normal. This is not your fault. You do not deserve this. I don't understand how he could have left me with her year after year to go on business trips, knowing he had triggered her fear of abandonment and that we were alone with her. I grew up my whole life thinking I deserved what I got from her. That the terror I felt constantly was just normal household dynamics. I have had to fight so hard, and unravel so much, to have some semblance of a happy adulthood. And it could have been so much easier if he had decided to pay attention. I don't understand how he could have watched all of that happen and never explain anything to me.

I feel like the bottom has fallen out and I have no energy or motivation for real-life obligations. I randomly break down and cry throughout the day. I can barely make myself go outside. I have a session with my T on Tuesday, I'm just trying to get by until then.

[getting_better]

So sorry for the struggles, lavalove.  When I read your post I felt like I'm reading something my own kids could have written!  I have (had) 5 kids - my daughter is 26 and recently married, and I have three sons: 22, 18, and 15.  My 19-year old son killed himself last year after my dBPDw (his mom) raged at him for a couple of hours.  I certainly understand better than most what a BPD mom can do to her kids.  We are separated now, and I filed for divorce last month. 

I might be able to provide a little perspective for your dad.  I didn't find out the official title of my wife's disorder (BPD) until I met with her psychiatrist after my son died, but our family had been victimized by her behavior for years, so it was helpful to get a name for it. I know now that I should have been more honest with her and more courageous.  I spent so much time trying to normalize our family life and play referee during her rages I somehow lost my courage and clarity.  I remember feeling that the family life was just "normal" - that this was marriage, and maybe if I loved her more or tried harder then things would be ok.  I lived in denial for a lot years until my son's suicide gave me the courage to change. 

You have strength in you, and you're going to be ok.  Set your boundaries and remember the three C's:  you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it!  I am pulling for you, my friend.  Sending you my strength, serenity, and courage. 

[bethanny]

lavalove (great name!),

So relate to your pain and frustration.

Have you read Lawson's book on Understanding the Borderline Mother?  It really helped me tremendously.

My mother's manipulation from a really early age was a creepy emotional blackmail/manipulation and catastrophizing/escalating the nature of every assertion I ever made that inconvenienced her in some way and then using that misrepresentation to recruit rescuers to help her pressure me into getting her way.  I couldn't be heard through her hysteria a lot of the time, and people often advised, "Just give her what she wants." Easier for them and they didn't have to pay with their loss of will and freedom.

Her level of ruthlessness I saw as I became older was unbelievable. I kept justifying my pity for her and the confusion and emotional violence of growing up with an alcoholic father added to my willingness to stay enmeshed. 

Trying to assert even modestly with her was like gambling with a crazed fellow player who is willing to put everything on the line and makes you do the same, including them putting in your significant mutual relationships which is dirty playing, but there is no honor or empathy when they feel their backs are to the wall -- that is to say when they don't get EVERYTHING they want, like a toddler having a ferocious tantrum.

My mother could be generous in giving things to reward Stepfordism, but in her mind for what she decided to give, she got to pick what to take.  That was not a fair contract.  I gave you such and such (attaching all those strings) ... .and now I am taking x, y and z. 

Good luck and I really like getting_better's 3 Cs slogan!

best, Bethanny