Long time reader, first time poster

[volumetwo]

This board has been incredibly helpful for me over the past few months.

I've been married for 25 years. In 2010 he started therapy for depression and soon after that was diagnosed with ADD. That explained a lot of his behaviors. In the summer of 2011, we started marriage counseling. A year after that, he told me he had feelings for someone else and that was why he started therapy. It was the best friend of the woman he considered a sister. I was friends with them but was never completely comfortable with their friendship. I never asked him to choose between me and her because I was afraid of the answer. Anyway, Although he pursued this woman and he said she was giving signals back, nothing ever happened between them. Friendships were ruined and eventually ended. Six months after that we moved to the other side of the country. I thought that by getting away from the people involved in that drama would help and for a while it did.

After a year and a half in our new city, he met a woman at church and had feelings for her. He eventually told her and she said it was inappropriate. He still goes to church and sees her there but says he doesn't have feelings for her any more.

In January I started therapy on my own. I was being blamed for everything. I was told that I had an anger management problem, that I was controlling and emotionally abusive, and that I had done horrible things to him that has made him miserable throughout our whole marriage. He said he didn't think he could forgive me for what I had done. He also said he didn't need my forgiveness and later clarified to say he wasn't asking for it.

My therapist is convinced that he's BPD and the only thing holding her back from making a definitive diagnosis is that she's never met him.

I have learned boundaries and am working on overcoming my codependent tendencies.

We recently agreed to divorce. I think I must have the easiest divorce on the boards. He filled out all the paperwork and is giving me sole physical and legal custody of our daughter. He also supports me and her moving back to our original home state.

He is definitely a Waif. His former friend called him manipulative and has been more than willing to give me details of what happened between him and his first crush (because that's what is was like - idealizing who she was). It is never his fault. In fact, when he told me about his second crush, he twisted it around so much that I found myself apologizing for not being interesting enough and causing him to stray.

At the same time, he has said that he has always been worried that I would leave him.

I still suffer from guilt and wondering what I could have done differently. Logically I know that he'd be like this with anyone. But years of feeling like I wasn't good enough and couldn't do anything right will take more than logic to overcome.

But he's moving on.  It's been less than a month since he filed and tonight he is on a date with someone he met on okcupid. He's so uninvolved with our daughter that she hasn't even asked where he was tonight. She knows we're moving and is looking forward to it and despite saying she'll miss her friends, she hasn't said anything about missing her dad. She'll only see him twice a year from now on.

It is hard talking to people about all of this. I feel stupid for putting up with it for so long. I told my therapist that I'm angry and hurt for giving love and 25 years to someone who didn't deserve it, didn't appreciate it, and doesn't have the capability to return it.

I know I'm very lucky compared to almost everyone else on these boards. But I'm not convinced this will be the end. I suspect when I'm gone and he suddenly doesn't have anyone to take car of him and he's alone in the house, that he may attempt to recycle. Fortunately I'll be thousands of miles away.

[ZeusRLX]

Hi there... .

Thanks for sharing your story... .it's very interesting that you say he is a waif.

I'm curious, in what ways would you rescue him? Is that how the relationship started... .you rescuing him?

Does he ask for you to rescue him directly or indirectly manipulates you?

[volumetwo]

I think it started with him being completely charming. At the time I said that I married him because we could talk for hours and not run out of things to say and no matter how much time we spent together, I missed him when we were apart.

He said that he felt that I brought organization to his life. He counted on me to take care of everything around the house. His job was to bring fun and spontaneity. So I was the responsible one and he was the fun one.

I would say that he manipulates me. He doesn't help around the house because he says that I only notice when he doesn't do something and not when he does. So I stopped expecting him to help.

He doesn't want any responsibilities. He wants to be 20 years younger and behaves like he is. I can't count on him for anything. He is always the victim and doesn't take responsibility for his actions and always blames someone else. It's my fault he became interested in other women. It's their fault for leading him on. He doesn't see that it's never only one person's fault.

[Tyrwhitt]

Hi there,

Your story resonated with me.  I've just divorced my BPDh of 20 years (22 together) and when we met, I was the responsible, organiser and he was the fun one.  I like to plan, he didn't, and we, too, could talk for hours. 

Fast forward 20 years and I ended up with someone who wanted to run away at every opportunity, nothing was his fault - the smallest thing was always my fault - and I couldn't do anything right, even washing the dog had to be done his way to be right.  It was exhausting and I'm guessing you felt the same.  Letting go is very hard because we want back the person we fell in love with and not the person we ended up with. 

Finding my way through the whole "what was this all about" reflection to be quite obssessive at the moment, but I'm prepared to let my mind and conversation go through that process as in months or years time, I'll have reached some balance and you'll do the same.  I often read the threads on this site to remind myself that whilst circumstances might be different, often the patterns of behaviour are the same and there comes a time to let go - like you, I also think that a year or so down the line when he's been paying his own bills and taking responsibility for his own life, he might want the shelter that I provided, but I don't regret the divorce or the marriage.  I learnt a lot of wisdom along the way and gathered a lot of understanding, despite the lessons being hard.  I'm sure you'll find balance and peace as you move forward and not wondering what's coming next is a wonderful feeling.

[sbr1050]

I still suffer from guilt and wondering what I could have done differently. Logically I know that he'd be like this with anyone. But years of feeling like I wasn't good enough and couldn't do anything right will take more than logic to overcome.

But he's moving on.  It's been less than a month since he filed and tonight he is on a date with someone he met on okcupid. He's so uninvolved with our daughter that she hasn't even asked where he was tonight. She knows we're moving and is looking forward to it and despite saying she'll miss her friends, she hasn't said anything about missing her dad. She'll only see him twice a year from now on.

It is hard talking to people about all of this. I feel stupid for putting up with it for so long. I told my therapist that I'm angry and hurt for giving love and 25 years to someone who didn't deserve it, didn't appreciate it, and doesn't have the capability to return it.

Yes, I am finding it takes more than logic to overcome.  I hear the words coming out of my mouth about what my ex put me thru but even tho I hear what I am saying, I still have a hard time letting go.

You are lucky that you have a daughter.  I gave up chances for having a family of my own by staying with my ex for 18 years.  If it makes you feel any better, my ex stormed out in December.  He is 62 and he had a 23 year old in the wings - I am convinced he walked out of here and right to her.  5 months later, he married her!  I raised his kids for 18 years and now I am non-existant.  He has zero feelings left for me.

I understand your feeling stupid (even tho you are NOT stupid!).  I wrestle with the same thing daily!

Hang in there! Hugs!