need advice for my BPD mom

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello everyone. this is my first post. i am new here. my mother was diagnosed with BPD approximately twenty years ago. My siblings and I are all in our 30's. My parents ware still married but my father is working out of state for a while. My mother never sought treatment for her BPD, only depression and mood disorder. She almost refuses to remember or talk about or admit her diagnosis. It has been a textbook lifestyle living with a mother with BPD. She has made huge strides lately since she came to live with me and my husband and two children. She has recovered from a prescription drug addiction by completing an inpatient program. She is helping around the house and with the kids more than she has in years. The kicker is, living with her is affecting all of us in a negative way and we have approached her going back to counseling and it has blown up on us so many times before. Does anyone have experience talking to a parent  that is in denial about their disorder? Any advice? We have tried just about every way possible over the span of 20 plus years. 

[atxmama]

Hello everyone. this is my first post. i am new here. my mother was diagnosed with BPD approximately twenty years ago. My siblings and I are all in our 30's. My parents ware still married but my father is working out of state for a while. My mother never sought treatment for her BPD, only depression and mood disorder. She almost refuses to remember or talk about or admit her diagnosis. It has been a textbook lifestyle living with a mother with BPD. She has made huge strides lately since she came to live with me and my husband and two children. She has recovered from a prescription drug addiction by completing an inpatient program. She is helping around the house and with the kids more than she has in years. The kicker is, living with her is affecting all of us in a negative way and we have approached her going back to counseling and it has blown up on us so many times before. Does anyone have experience talking to a parent  that is in denial about their disorder? Any advice? We have tried just about every way possible over the span of 20 plus years. 

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, atxmama,

I don't have any advice for you (my mom is undiagnosed and does not live with me), but I wanted to say hello and welcome to the place. The regulars don't all post daily, so please stick around! I can't imagine how difficult it is to live with a BPD in denial, no matter how much progress she's made. Are you and your husband on the same page with what's going on?

[Kwamina]

Hi axtmama

I'd like to join claudiaduffy in welcoming you here

BPD is a difficult disorder but since your mother is formally diagnosed, you at least know what your dealing with. What lead up to your mother getting this BPD diagnosis all those years ago?

I am glad that your mother has made all this progress, but I can also understand how difficult it can still be for your family to live in the same house as her. You mention how approaching your mom about going back to counseling didn't go so well. Do you feel like your mother has ever at any point accepted her BPD diagnosis and/or shown any willingness to get into therapy?

To help you talk to your mother it might help to take a look at some of the communication techniques described on this site such as validation:

Nowhere is the communication skill of validation more important than in interfacing with highly sensitive individuals, individuals with low self esteem or individuals who are easily intimidated.  This is a very valuable tool for dealing with people with Borderline Personality Disorder.

... .

Validation of feelings is vital to connecting with others. The mutual validation of feelings is important in all phases of relationships including building, maintaining, repairing, and improving them.

You can read an article about validation here: Communication Skills - Validation

It might also help to take a look at an article about things you can do yourself to end the cycle of conflict:

A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict

There is also a technique called S.E.T. that I believe might be helpful in your interactions with your mother. The acronym S.E.T. stands for Support, Empathy and Truth:

The S.E.T. communication pattern was developed by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD and Hal Straus for communication with a person with BPD (pwBPD). It consists of a 3 step sequence where first Support is signaled, then Empathy is demonstrated and in a third step Truth is offered.

Few tools are easier to learn as S.E.T. and are as effective in getting across to a pwBPD. Few tools are as universal in everyday life with anyone. It is sort of an walking-on-eggshell antidote.

S.E.T. helps minimize the chance of further conflict or drama while maximizing the chance of getting through to the other person. S.E.T. can also help you stay calmer yourself by focusing on a structured way of communicating and keeping your end goal (speaking your truth) in mind. If you want to read more about S.E.T., we have a workshop about this technique: COMMUNICATION: S.E.T. technique

Take care