Trying to accept sister but now she's hurting my child

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My sister will be 45 this July and I am 42. I won't go into our long history because that would be a book.

I found out about BPD and I have been trying to be understanding about her and how she thinks, but she is extremely destructive to herself and others.

I have a just turned 7 yr old daughter and my sister has 4 kids, the youngest are 8 and just turned 9 last week. I do invite her over so the girls can play together, but my sister has been weird, angry, jealous etc.

Yesterday she was making cookies in my kitchen (because her oven doesn't work but she won't tell her complex to fix it because no one's allowed in her apartment due to her paranoia.) The girls were in the dining area and my sister started playing some really pornographic song about "my back my crack" or something. I looked it up and it was really vile and gross and not something my child should be listening to, much less her kids.

I was working with my headphones on but heard it over the audio and said, "What is that?" Then I listened and was horrified. One of her children said, "That's mommy's song" and the other told me how she hated it.

Then I said you should not play that (my husband came out and literally turned it off) and my sister says, "Why? You should hear the blow job song."

I'm really done with her antics, and they are all truly dramatic antics designed to hurt and shock others. She curses people out she has never met because she feels judged. She started dancing to loud music once when I tried to bring her kids to Girl Scouts and she was acting really weird, wearing a hoodie with the hood up, not talking to other moms. Her kids had fun but she won't let me take them by themselves (because she is attached to one of them. Not both, one of them.)

I can't be in public with her. It's too embarrassing. She has no ability to keep her mouth shut or act in a civil manner.

I am not sure at this point why I keep trying to understand and put up with this stuff. When is it the disease and when is the person just a rotten person?

And I don't want to expose my child to her aunt any more. Yesterday my daughter came to me and said my sister told her that nobody likes her (meaning nobody likes my daughter).

And you know what set her off is that I got a new desk. I had been using a table and I work on my computer all day. My sister is poor but does work from home. I have even gotten her jobs from home which she then screws up and gets fired from. But she was telling me how they're so poor they are starving and have no food. She goes to church food pantries. She and her husband work but I guess they don't make much. I don't understand it because she gets help from our 81 yr old mother, too. She's always asking for money and stuff. I have helped her with rent over and over and so has my mom, we have fed her and her kids, even when I was pregnant I was carrying in groceries for her and her kids and husband. I paid her electric bill. I bought her a new microwave. I mean I just can't even anymore.

I am not rich. I live paycheck to paycheck and have two jobs. Part of this dynamic in my own life is because my mom and I keep "trying to help" to the point we give our last dollar to my sister to "help" her. And now her own daughter is 25 with 4 kids of her own and she is also dirt poor with the same entitled attitude so she lashes out at people who don't give to her, loan her money etc. It's like my sister 2.0

I feel like I have to put my foot down and just cut off contact, but then I feel guilty about it, like I'm punishing her for being sick. But then I think with all I have done over the years and with all my mom has done and given, NOTHING HELPS. My sister is still an ugly, entitled brat and a black hole of need. She's raging at the world and hates anyone who has something she doesn't have. But then she doesn't take care of herself (her teeth are literally rotting and in pieces, what she has left. Won't go to the dentist.) or her kids. Her kids are "homeschooled". So there's no accountability. The 8 and 9 yr olds can not read. They don't know what a vowel is.

Why is it so hard to remove a toxic person from my life? What am I holding on to? I can deal with making the mistakes that hurt myself but I can't let it spill onto my child and my husband.

Also, I seriously wanted to have her arrested for playing that song with the kids there and talking about "pussies" and "blow jobs" and sexual things in front of them. If that was a porn mag it would be illegal, I think this is just disgusting to do to children.

[TwilightVelvet]

My sister will be 45 this July and I am 42. I won't go into our long history because that would be a book.

I found out about BPD and I have been trying to be understanding about her and how she thinks, but she is extremely destructive to herself and others.

I have a just turned 7 yr old daughter and my sister has 4 kids, the youngest are 8 and just turned 9 last week. I do invite her over so the girls can play together, but my sister has been weird, angry, jealous etc.

Yesterday she was making cookies in my kitchen (because her oven doesn't work but she won't tell her complex to fix it because no one's allowed in her apartment due to her paranoia.) The girls were in the dining area and my sister started playing some really pornographic song about "my back my crack" or something. I looked it up and it was really vile and gross and not something my child should be listening to, much less her kids.

I was working with my headphones on but heard it over the audio and said, "What is that?" Then I listened and was horrified. One of her children said, "That's mommy's song" and the other told me how she hated it.

Then I said you should not play that (my husband came out and literally turned it off) and my sister says, "Why? You should hear the blow job song."

I'm really done with her antics, and they are all truly dramatic antics designed to hurt and shock others. She curses people out she has never met because she feels judged. She started dancing to loud music once when I tried to bring her kids to Girl Scouts and she was acting really weird, wearing a hoodie with the hood up, not talking to other moms. Her kids had fun but she won't let me take them by themselves (because she is attached to one of them. Not both, one of them.)

I can't be in public with her. It's too embarrassing. She has no ability to keep her mouth shut or act in a civil manner.

I am not sure at this point why I keep trying to understand and put up with this stuff. When is it the disease and when is the person just a rotten person?

And I don't want to expose my child to her aunt any more. Yesterday my daughter came to me and said my sister told her that nobody likes her (meaning nobody likes my daughter).

And you know what set her off is that I got a new desk. I had been using a table and I work on my computer all day. My sister is poor but does work from home. I have even gotten her jobs from home which she then screws up and gets fired from. But she was telling me how they're so poor they are starving and have no food. She goes to church food pantries. She and her husband work but I guess they don't make much. I don't understand it because she gets help from our 81 yr old mother, too. She's always asking for money and stuff. I have helped her with rent over and over and so has my mom, we have fed her and her kids, even when I was pregnant I was carrying in groceries for her and her kids and husband. I paid her electric bill. I bought her a new microwave. I mean I just can't even anymore.

I am not rich. I live paycheck to paycheck and have two jobs. Part of this dynamic in my own life is because my mom and I keep "trying to help" to the point we give our last dollar to my sister to "help" her. And now her own daughter is 25 with 4 kids of her own and she is also dirt poor with the same entitled attitude so she lashes out at people who don't give to her, loan her money etc. It's like my sister 2.0

I feel like I have to put my foot down and just cut off contact, but then I feel guilty about it, like I'm punishing her for being sick. But then I think with all I have done over the years and with all my mom has done and given, NOTHING HELPS. My sister is still an ugly, entitled brat and a black hole of need. She's raging at the world and hates anyone who has something she doesn't have. But then she doesn't take care of herself (her teeth are literally rotting and in pieces, what she has left. Won't go to the dentist.) or her kids. Her kids are "homeschooled". So there's no accountability. The 8 and 9 yr olds can not read. They don't know what a vowel is.

Why is it so hard to remove a toxic person from my life? What am I holding on to? I can deal with making the mistakes that hurt myself but I can't let it spill onto my child and my husband.

Also, I seriously wanted to have her arrested for playing that song with the kids there and talking about "pussies" and "blow jobs" and sexual things in front of them. If that was a porn mag it would be illegal, I think this is just disgusting to do to children.

[Turkish]

Hi TV,

There are a lot of things going on here. Even if your sister isn't physically abusive to your daughter, playing pornographic music crosses a line at best. It sounds like she doesn't see the world in the same way most people do. You already know that. Telling your D7 that no one likes here, however, is beyond the pale and inexcusable. It's verbal or emotional abuse (and maybe Projection, perhaps?). Have you talked to your sister about that incident?

Based upon all of the things you detail about providing for your sister what she and her husband should be providing for herself, it sounds like you're stuck as a Caretaker for her. I can relate, as I was in somewhat of a role like that with my mother. My thoughts were, "if I don't do xyz, she's going to freeze to death this winter." Or, "If I don't give her money to pay her lapsed property taxes, she's going to be on the street," even though that was a mess of her own making.

So I distanced myself and stopped assuming that anything I could ever do would ever fix her as a person, even if certain things that I did had obvious and immediate effects.

Your sister not letting her landlord into her apartment isn't your problem; it's hers. She owns her paranoia, not you. We enable by feeding.

I think protecting your D is a good thing, and I'd suggest no alone time with her aunt. Going NC is a pretty harsh step, but setting small boundaries and building upon them can be a healthier way of protecting yourself and your family, and not causing major drama. You'll not only be training your sister, but also weaning yourself off of care-taking her as it sounds to me like you've been doing. Does this make sense? What small steps can you take to begin?

[Panda39]

I feel like I have to put my foot down and just cut off contact, but then I feel guilty about it, like I'm punishing her for being sick. But then I think with all I have done over the years and with all my mom has done and given, NOTHING HELPS. My sister is still an ugly, entitled brat and a black hole of need. She's raging at the world and hates anyone who has something she doesn't have. But then she doesn't take care of herself (her teeth are literally rotting and in pieces, what she has left. Won't go to the dentist.) or her kids. Her kids are "homeschooled". So there's no accountability. The 8 and 9 yr olds can not read. They don't know what a vowel is.

Hi TwilightVelvet,

I agree with Turkish there is a lot going on.  In addition to what Turkish has said, I am also picking up on the concern you have for your sister's children and from what you say she's sounds neglectful.  Lack of dental care and lack of education are both neglectful and neglect is a form of abuse.  That does not even include emotional abuse that is most likely going.  Based on what she said to your daughter I can only imagine what is being said to her children behind closed doors. Then we have the sexually inappropriate musical selections and conversation.

What do you think is the situation with her children?  You might need to look beyond your sister to them and their care.

I know you have a lot on your plate but from what you say I would be worried about her children.  What is her husband's roll in all of this?  What is the dynamic between your sister and him?  Does he enable her behaviors?  Does he protect his children?

I'm concerned about her children.

Panda39

[Leaving]

My therapist told me that it's abuse when parents expose their children to pornography.  Ditto to Turkish's advice.  the only thing I can add is that you need to have video proof for the authorities.  It's always better to gather the evidence even if you don't use it. 

I would not allow my child to visit their home anymore.  I may have a hard time setting boundaries for myself but when it comes to children and animals, I don't tippy toe around abusive behaviors.  I think that you should distance yourself from your sister because she's interfering with your own well-being and your children's. Don't go down with this ship.  I know you want to help her but you're not a doctor or psych nurse and it sounds like that is what she needs. She's an adult, so are you and you have your own family- your family is your priority, not her and her family. 

[Turkish]

My therapist told me that it's abuse when parents expose their children to pornography.  

www.parentsprotect.co.uk/warning_signs.htm

Some examples of non-touching activity include:

• showing pornography to a child



• encouraging a child to watch or hear sexual acts



• inappropriately watching a child undress or use the bathroom

TV, regarding Panda39's and Leaving's comments, do you think your sister's behaviors towards her children constitute abuse? Is this something you should report?

This is a hard thing to think about. I just went through something like this in the past two weeks. Cops, CPS... .several people hate me now, perhaps forever. It was tough, but more clear given that it was my own children. I'm still reeling from it and doubting myself, which is why the others' comments were centering. It's so hard to see the clear thing to do when caught up in a family dynamic.

   

   

[Leaving]

My therapist told me that it's abuse when parents expose their children to pornography.  

www.parentsprotect.co.uk/warning_signs.htm

Some examples of non-touching activity include:

• showing pornography to a child



• encouraging a child to watch or hear sexual acts



• inappropriately watching a child undress or use the bathroom

TV, regarding Panda39's and Leaving's comments, do you think your sister's behaviors towards her children constitute abuse? Is this something you should report?

This is a hard thing to think about. I just went through something like this in the past two weeks. Cops, CPS... .several people hate me now, perhaps forever. It was tough, but more clear given that it was my own children. I'm still reeling from it and doubting myself, which is why the others' comments were centering. It's so hard to see the clear thing to do when caught up in a family dynamic.

   

   

Turkish,

  I'm so proud of you!  Keep telling yourself that you did the right thing because I know YOU DID the right thing!  Screw those people who are mad at you.  Of course they would be!  I don't know too many people who keep secrets, lie, deceive and live in denial who are happy when the truth is revealed.  I've been the family pariah all my life Turkish and while I do understand why you have those moments of doubt/regret, know that it's only because you want peace and harmony in your life and hate upsetting the apple cart even though it's the right thing to do.  Nothing good comes easy- if it were easy, the cowards would be doing it.  But, you're not a coward.  You're a truth seeker, a warrior.

I was exposed to a lot of pornography during my youth.  I told my therapist this and she said, ' You do realize that is a form of sexual abuse?" and I tried to blow it off and explain to her that it meant nothing to me and didn't affect me.  WRONG.  It did harm me.  It affirmed, as a female, that I was to be objectified, that I was a sex object, that my purpose in life was to please men and serve men.  My mother conditioned me to think that way all my life but my stepfather's porno really affirmed her conditioning.  It also affects boys much in the same way. I hope that anyone reading this will reconsider introducing porno into their homes when children are living with them.  A child's perception of themselves, their future partners, their parents, etc... .is affected by porno.

[Turkish]

TwilightVelvet,

Your responsibility lies with protecting your daughter, your primary family. It sounds like you know what to do in that department.

I have experience with CPS as a 13 yo who almost got taken away from my BPD mom, and recently for my own children, though I won't go into it since I don't want to hijack your thread or focus away from you protecting your precious D. She doesn't seem to be the victim of a crime, per se, but it is our responsibility as parents to keep our children safe, no matter what anyone else thinks. You sound like you're taking steps to do it.

If you want to explore what's going on with your nieces or nephews, we can certainly support you in that as well.