WE JUST BOUGHT A HOME TOGETHER 4 MONTHS AGO... NOW he wants out and single..help

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello there,

I am coming to a forum because it is my last resort. I see a great therapist and have great family and friends who support me but I need to hear from someone who has experienced this that I am not alone and I am not crazy.

Synopsis. I met R about three years ago in New York City. We met on an online site and on the first date, he had me SO entrapped with him. I was consumed. I went on a few more dates and he was the sweetest guy. I had recently come out as gay and he was one of the first people I had really been interested in dating. I was 23. There was something about him that drew me to him with a force more powerful than ever before. A few dates later, he told me he had decided to go back to his cheating ex who he had trashed so many times. While I was hurt, I wished him well and didn't speak to him for a month or two. I thought of him every day. Finally, I reached out. We became friends and he would always flirt with me and I told him it wasn't fair because I liked him.

LONG  STORY short... .we started dating. He was on and off and up and down like a roller coaster. "I love you and want to be with you forever" would go to "lets just be best friends" in a matter of hours. I flew across the country to meet his family, they liked me, and even then he was still skeptical. Finally, we moved in together and were an official couple. His ups and downs, the want for material things and the way his mood would go from being all about me to lying about going to dinner with another guy "friend" were constant. After 5 months we broke up and I moved away from  NYC. He ended up getting an apartment a building over and didn't tell me. A friend of mine bumped into him. He states I lefft him "homeless" but that is not the case. I gave him 3 and a half weeks to find a place as he had been living rent free with me for 5 months. I even left and let him have the apartment alone.

We went two months without talking when finally I saw a post on his facebook saying "breakups were hard" and I reached out to him. We started talking and I went to NYC to see him, we started dating again and he eventually moved to Boston with me and got a job there last year. In January (4 months ago) we purchased a home together. We were happy, his ups and downs were still happening but we were happy and wanted a future in the home. We had his parents in, they loved it and held a huge soiree as a housewarming part where his sister flew in and we had about 50 people come to wish us well. A few weeks before this he admitted to cheating. He wanted to have a more experienced "bottom" to have sex with. He was complaining that I was too big and he loved when I would have sex with him but he wanted to do that as well just not with me. It was strange because he never was this person.

Three days after the housewarming he broke up with me and decided he wanted to buy the house. Three days after that he said he couldnt live without me and would I pleas move back I was his entire life... .we had sex then I realized it wouldn't change. 4 days after that he hated me again and 3 days after that he wanted to be friends.

It has been 3 weeks now and I learned that he booked himself a trip to go to Europe next week (seems manic because we talked about going to this place and he said he wouldnt do it unless we could go 5 star, which we couldnt right now) but I called him out on it and he said he was going "with friends" I call bull.

Last week he told me he was changing meds and wanted to be nice to me and loved me. I didnt respond. Now he is saying he cant wait to cut ties with me... .

The thing that sucks the most is I still am in love with him.

Who buys a home with someone who is their "soulmate" (he gave me a promise ring and I gave him a large diamond band in December) and then switches like that? He had some issues as an adolescent with sexual abuse which I found out on my own and since then he thinks I think less of him when in fact I supported him and loved him unconditionally.

Paris is BIZARRE to me unless he met a man and is going or doing it to piss me off... .I don't know right now.

Any advice? Will he come down from this high and realize what he did was wrong? Thank you.

[range4days]

Hello there,

I am coming to a forum because it is my last resort. I see a great therapist and have great family and friends who support me but I need to hear from someone who has experienced this that I am not alone and I am not crazy.

Synopsis. I met R about three years ago in New York City. We met on an online site and on the first date, he had me SO entrapped with him. I was consumed. I went on a few more dates and he was the sweetest guy. I had recently come out as gay and he was one of the first people I had really been interested in dating. I was 23. There was something about him that drew me to him with a force more powerful than ever before. A few dates later, he told me he had decided to go back to his cheating ex who he had trashed so many times. While I was hurt, I wished him well and didn't speak to him for a month or two. I thought of him every day. Finally, I reached out. We became friends and he would always flirt with me and I told him it wasn't fair because I liked him.

LONG  STORY short... .we started dating. He was on and off and up and down like a roller coaster. "I love you and want to be with you forever" would go to "lets just be best friends" in a matter of hours. I flew across the country to meet his family, they liked me, and even then he was still skeptical. Finally, we moved in together and were an official couple. His ups and downs, the want for material things and the way his mood would go from being all about me to lying about going to dinner with another guy "friend" were constant. After 5 months we broke up and I moved away from  NYC. He ended up getting an apartment a building over and didn't tell me. A friend of mine bumped into him. He states I lefft him "homeless" but that is not the case. I gave him 3 and a half weeks to find a place as he had been living rent free with me for 5 months. I even left and let him have the apartment alone.

We went two months without talking when finally I saw a post on his facebook saying "breakups were hard" and I reached out to him. We started talking and I went to NYC to see him, we started dating again and he eventually moved to Boston with me and got a job there last year. In January (4 months ago) we purchased a home together. We were happy, his ups and downs were still happening but we were happy and wanted a future in the home. We had his parents in, they loved it and held a huge soiree as a housewarming part where his sister flew in and we had about 50 people come to wish us well. A few weeks before this he admitted to cheating. He wanted to have a more experienced "bottom" to have sex with. He was complaining that I was too big and he loved when I would have sex with him but he wanted to do that as well just not with me. It was strange because he never was this person.

Three days after the housewarming he broke up with me and decided he wanted to buy the house. Three days after that he said he couldnt live without me and would I pleas move back I was his entire life... .we had sex then I realized it wouldn't change. 4 days after that he hated me again and 3 days after that he wanted to be friends.

It has been 3 weeks now and I learned that he booked himself a trip to go to Europe next week (seems manic because we talked about going to this place and he said he wouldnt do it unless we could go 5 star, which we couldnt right now) but I called him out on it and he said he was going "with friends" I call bull.

Last week he told me he was changing meds and wanted to be nice to me and loved me. I didnt respond. Now he is saying he cant wait to cut ties with me... .

The thing that sucks the most is I still am in love with him.

Who buys a home with someone who is their "soulmate" (he gave me a promise ring and I gave him a large diamond band in December) and then switches like that? He had some issues as an adolescent with sexual abuse which I found out on my own and since then he thinks I think less of him when in fact I supported him and loved him unconditionally.

Paris is BIZARRE to me unless he met a man and is going or doing it to piss me off... .I don't know right now.

Any advice? Will he come down from this high and realize what he did was wrong? Thank you.

[OnceConfused]

range4days:

Code:

Will he come down from this high and realize what he did was wrong?

What do you expect him to do if he realizes what he did was wrong?

Perhaps you are hoping that if he realizes what he did was wrong then MAGICALLY he will be this perfect partner you ever want to have. I sincerely doubt that, since history has shown a pattern here.

We are what we repeatedly do. So what do you think he is with what he repeatedly has done ? .

[range4days]

Thank you for the input. I guess part of me still is in the mindset that he will realize and be a perfect partner but I know in my mind it won't happen.

The thing I wonder, as my therapist told me, is will he try to come and get me back after all of this and how do I be strong when/ if that happens.

I have never dealt with BPD before. I never knew it was this hard and unlike a typical breakup, this just all isn't normal... .I just dont understand how you can go as far as purchase a home with someone, tell them you want a life and children and 3 weeks later say you want to be single and free and not want anything to do with that person.

Trust me, I have done a LOT of research on BPD and he fits every characteristic... .but unlike him, my love doesn't turn off in a week you know?

[OnceConfused]

Range4days:

Like many others , your so-called "love for BPD" is perhaps only an attachment, a fear of letting go. I went through the same feeling but not only until I realized that fear of letting   go then I was able to see things much clearer.

I took me about 2 weeks straight of constantly listening to motivational tapes, praying to finally be able to say good bye.

Look at his pattern and you will see what kind of person he is. Will you be happy with that person for the next 30 years ?