Got Dreaded Call - Need Your Advice

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

May I ask the group for your opinion?

1.) Me and ex live in different cities (long distance)

2.) Ex claims to have many serious medical issues and has been in and out of hospital for the past several weeks

3.) One day after ex gets back from hospital, she is not responding to calls, texts or emails after we briefly speaking in am (highly unusual)

4.) I call multiple times... .nothing... .becomes late in evening

5.) Due to her so-called medical condition which I am kinda believing up until this point, I am quite concerned, finally text her that I am very concerned and will call law enforcement to do a welfare check  if I do not hear from her (she lives alone).

6.) Call local hospitals late in pm to see if she has been admitted, none have a record of that (exgf does not know I made these calls)

7.) Get strange email from a nurse friend of her's stating ex was admitted earlier that day to one of the hospitals I called and will be kept overnight (wasn't long after my text stating that I was going to initiate a welfare check)

8.) Next day, exgf calls angry that I was going to have police do welfare check, complains that my calls were bothering her roommate in hospital. We hang up angry.

I call three days later and leave a message asking if she was OK, no call back until today (over two weeks later). It's always a Saturday when she calls to recycle.

exgf leaves message, questioning my love as I only called once, states that she was trying to ask me nicely to never call police to do a welfare check as it goes on your record (?). States she had surgery when we were not in contact and is OK... .thanks for asking (sarcasm). States that she hopes I take care of myself.

This is not the first time something odd has happened like this. There's always a perfectly reasonable excuse which after the first few times, becomes old and suspicious.

Mind you, I had offered to come see her and help her but was asked not to. I had also offered an extra set of ears for a supposed doctors' meeting to discuss a treatment plan. She mysteriously decides after agreeing to my help, not to include me for some silly reason.  

If it were me and I was going to have major surgery, I would call the "love of my life" and tell them about it. Fight or no fight. Or have one of my friends and/or family members call me. This is what sane people do.

Please tell me that I am not losing my mind. This makes no sense. I am always the bad guy who has not proved their love. This is exactly how and why I found this forum.

[WhatJustHappened?]

May I ask the group for your opinion?

1.) Me and ex live in different cities (long distance)

2.) Ex claims to have many serious medical issues and has been in and out of hospital for the past several weeks

3.) One day after ex gets back from hospital, she is not responding to calls, texts or emails after we briefly speaking in am (highly unusual)

4.) I call multiple times... .nothing... .becomes late in evening

5.) Due to her so-called medical condition which I am kinda believing up until this point, I am quite concerned, finally text her that I am very concerned and will call law enforcement to do a welfare check  if I do not hear from her (she lives alone).

6.) Call local hospitals late in pm to see if she has been admitted, none have a record of that (exgf does not know I made these calls)

7.) Get strange email from a nurse friend of her's stating ex was admitted earlier that day to one of the hospitals I called and will be kept overnight (wasn't long after my text stating that I was going to initiate a welfare check)

8.) Next day, exgf calls angry that I was going to have police do welfare check, complains that my calls were bothering her roommate in hospital. We hang up angry.

I call three days later and leave a message asking if she was OK, no call back until today (over two weeks later). It's always a Saturday when she calls to recycle.

exgf leaves message, questioning my love as I only called once, states that she was trying to ask me nicely to never call police to do a welfare check as it goes on your record (?). States she had surgery when we were not in contact and is OK... .thanks for asking (sarcasm). States that she hopes I take care of myself.

This is not the first time something odd has happened like this. There's always a perfectly reasonable excuse which after the first few times, becomes old and suspicious.

Mind you, I had offered to come see her and help her but was asked not to. I had also offered an extra set of ears for a supposed doctors' meeting to discuss a treatment plan. She mysteriously decides after agreeing to my help, not to include me for some silly reason.  

If it were me and I was going to have major surgery, I would call the "love of my life" and tell them about it. Fight or no fight. Or have one of my friends and/or family members call me. This is what sane people do.

Please tell me that I am not losing my mind. This makes no sense. I am always the bad guy who has not proved their love. This is exactly how and why I found this forum.

[Infared]

Can I ask an obvious question?

If this is your "ex" and she is living in another state why are you engaged in a way that a person would be who is in a relationship. She obviously is not.

Could you be in denial? Perhaps you need to move away from this.

It just an observation based on what you have written here.

[WhatJustHappened?]

No, there has been no engagement for over two weeks now. All of what I listed happened before I moved on. Sorry, should have been clearer on that point. The only engagement was a call from her today which I did not answer.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey WJH-

This is the leaving board and you call her your ex, so if the relationship is over, why did you call her?  I know the answer, it's hard to let go of someone you care about, especially when they may need your help right now, but if you don't want to be with her and it's over, time to start thinking about you and your future, without her in it.  And with a borderline trying to make sense of things when she's triggered is futile, and at this point in the relationship we are typically no longer the soother, which was our job, we are now the trigger, so you're the wrong person to be helping anyway.

It's important to get very selfish right now, which might seem unnatural, but you'll need the push to break free.  What are your needs in a relationship?  :)id she ever meet them, and could she meet them sustainably moving forward?  Were you getting your needs met at a low level by assuming a caretaker role?  Is there a more empowering way to get them met at a higher level?

[Reecer1588]

No, there has been no engagement for over two weeks now. All of what I listed happened before I moved on. The only engagement was a call from her today which I did not answer.

Welcome to bizzaro world man where gravity works the other way and the sky isn't blue though it looks blue. Welcome to the world of pain, and confusion. Time to celebrate? I will never understand how my ex completely flipped things around to where I was the crazy obsessive one, the one who the police threaten. I will never understand how it got to the point where any contact with her is going to immediately be reported to the police. But I mean welcome to the world man. I hope that you fight it. Fight it with everything you have man to escape the world. It's been over 120 days now since my ex last contacted me and I'm still deep in the world of pain. First thing I can recommend to you is to get very, very far from ex's orbit.

[WhatJustHappened?]

Yeah, I think I butchered this post. Just to be clear, the last contact I initiated was two weeks ago. I am done. It was a little unnerving to get the call today. That's all. People like my ex have a way of getting me to question my intentions and sanity.

[Mutt]

I call three days later and leave a message asking if she was OK, no call back until today (over two weeks later). It's always a Saturday when she calls to recycle

I can understand how frustrating and confusing things were two weeks ago and got a call today?

Do you feel like she still has you walking on eggshells?

[Infared]

No, there has been no engagement for over two weeks now. All of what I listed happened before I moved on. Sorry, should have been clearer on that point. The only engagement was a call from her today which I did not answer.

Oh... .ok... .sorry! I misunderstood.

[WhatJustHappened?]

I call three days later and leave a message asking if she was OK, no call back until today (over two weeks later). It's always a Saturday when she calls to recycle

I can understand how frustrating and confusing things were two weeks ago and got a call today?

Do you feel like she still has you walking on eggshells?

Good question... .no I don't because I made the decision to break ties and not be put back in that situation. But when we did talk, it always felt that I was walking on eggshells and that it was all my fault.

She is an excellent manipulator so when I listened to the message today, I immediately started to feel guilty.

[Mutt]

Yeah, I think I butchered this post. Just to be clear, the last contact I initiated was two weeks ago. I am done. It was a little unnerving to get the call today. That's all. People like my ex have a way of getting me to question my intentions and sanity.

I think your talking about you're still in the fog?

[WhatJustHappened?]

No, there has been no engagement for over two weeks now. All of what I listed happened before I moved on. Sorry, should have been clearer on that point. The only engagement was a call from her today which I did not answer.

Oh... .ok... .sorry! I misunderstood.

No worries, I wrote my post really poorly. I usually do a better job.

[WhatJustHappened?]

Definitely in a fog and rushed writing my original post because I was unnerved by the call. My apologies again.

[Mutt]

No, there has been no engagement for over two weeks now. All of what I listed happened before I moved on. Sorry, should have been clearer on that point. The only engagement was a call from her today which I did not answer.

Oh... .ok... .sorry! I misunderstood.

No worries, I wrote my post really poorly. I usually do a better job.

I can understand how unnerving a call from the ex is. My spidey-senses still tingle two years after the break up when she calls or emails. I find I often question what she wants because she has difficulties communicating what she needs clearly. I can relate and likely other members as well that it takes time for the fog to lift post break-up. Keep asking questions.

[WhatJustHappened?]

Mutt-

Thanks for the help. Question for you... .now that the calls have begun (trust me, when I don't respond, they will intensify), what do I do to stop them and the 'crazy'?

My original thought was to do absolutely nothing. Just let it run it's course. But a good friend of mine suggested that I write an email or text, blame everything on me and explain that I am not able to have a relationship at this time because of my poor emotional state.

I think the idea was to diffuse the 'crazy' and end the erratic behavior.

[fromheeltoheal]

Mutt-

Thanks for the help. Question for you... .now that the calls have begun (trust me, when I don't respond, they will intensify), what do I do to stop them and the 'crazy'?

My original thought was to do absolutely nothing. Just let it run it's course. But a good friend of mine suggested that I write an email or text, blame everything on me and explain that I am not able to have a relationship at this time because of my poor emotional state.

I think the idea was to diffuse the 'crazy' and end the erratic behavior.

Think attachments with borderlines, they're everything.  If you show any emotional investment at all, including getting pissed off, that will mean that an attachment is still in place for a borderline, so the pursuit will continue, the "pull" mode of push/pull.  The best thing you can do is act bored, disinterested, emotionally checked out, the contact attempts will probably escalate for a while, an extinction burst it's called, and eventually she will give up and shift her chase to the next shiny object.

Your original thought of doing nothing is the right one.  Your friend's suggestion is sort of a lie really, one with an agenda, but we don't want to lie, it will make you feel bad about yourself, and trying to end it with rational thinking and logic just won't fly in the world of personality disorders.  Bored, checked out, then just ride it out.  Take care of you!

[WhatJustHappened?]

Mutt-

Thanks for the help. Question for you... .now that the calls have begun (trust me, when I don't respond, they will intensify), what do I do to stop them and the 'crazy'?

My original thought was to do absolutely nothing. Just let it run it's course. But a good friend of mine suggested that I write an email or text, blame everything on me and explain that I am not able to have a relationship at this time because of my poor emotional state.

I think the idea was to diffuse the 'crazy' and end the erratic behavior.

Think attachments with borderlines, they're everything.  If you show any emotional investment at all, including getting pissed off, that will mean that an attachment is still in place for a borderline, so the pursuit will continue, the "pull" mode of push/pull.  The best thing you can do is act bored, disinterested, emotionally checked out, the contact attempts will probably escalate for a while, an extinction burst it's called, and eventually she will give up and shift her chase to the next shiny object.

Your original thought of doing nothing is the right one.  Your friend's suggestion is sort of a lie really, one with an agenda, but we don't want to lie, it will make you feel bad about yourself, and trying to end it with rational thinking and logic just won't fly in the world of personality disorders.  Bored, checked out, then just ride it out.  Take care of you!

That's a good suggestion... .thanks.