Potential BPD spouse

[Depression = 72% of members]

   Hi, I have been married 8 years to a man who has been at times abusive.  My therapist suggested that he might perhaps have a personality disorder.  I think one of the most telling things he has said to me is "you have failed as a wife."  Also, "You're doing your best?  You have never tried your best a day in your life."

I'm hoping that I will learn useful information on this website in order to better cope with being married to a man with a personality disorder.  I think the turning point for me was when I said to my counselor "conversations with him make me feel crazy."  She responded that I have excellent insight and at times profound wisdom, and that I need to "use my voice" and trust myself, and that good insight and judgement. 

Thank you for reading.

[BraveLady]

   Hi, I have been married 8 years to a man who has been at times abusive.  My therapist suggested that he might perhaps have a personality disorder.  I think one of the most telling things he has said to me is "you have failed as a wife."  Also, "You're doing your best?  You have never tried your best a day in your life."

I'm hoping that I will learn useful information on this website in order to better cope with being married to a man with a personality disorder.  I think the turning point for me was when I said to my counselor "conversations with him make me feel crazy."  She responded that I have excellent insight and at times profound wisdom, and that I need to "use my voice" and trust myself, and that good insight and judgement. 

Thank you for reading.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[scraps66]

Welcome.

"Feeling" like you are the crazy one is an affect that builds over time.  Second guessing yourself when you're right, that's the impact of prolonged psychological abuse.  It's a tool for a BP.

I can now better understand some of the statements my exNPDBPDw says to me.  What it sounds like he is saying is that he is actually a failure as a husband and he has never tried his best a day in his life.  This is psychological projection and I'm not sure how it works, whether these statements are the result of premeditation or if this is the internal thinking of a BP and they just speak the words coming from the distortions in their mind.  My ex it is second nature.

[whirlpoollife]

Welcome here to bpdfamily. You have come to the right place.

I was married 27 yrs to the psychological abuse too.  Xh was proud of his mind games.

I had no identity , no opinions, my intelect was crushed , I felt ashamed. 

It is good that you are seeing it now and realizing that you are not to blame.

Your h will never change . I hoped for many years by pulling the slot machine of hope. 

The more I am away from my xh the more I see what a stronghold he had on my mind and body. Coming out of the FOG... .fear, obligation, guilt.

Do you have children?

Do plan to stay in the marriage or have thoughts that you need to leave for your own health and safety? ( yes it's ok to think about yourself here, that's not being selfish)

[Ceruleanblue]

Welcome. My BPDh has said really mean, hateful things at times too. He was very mocking, and belittling towards me. I always felt that HE must feel very small inside to treat anyone like that, least of all someone he claimed to love. It sounds like you have a good therapist, and she's giving you good advice.

Living with someone with a PD does take a toll, and it actually takes someone with great strength to put up with what they can dish out. Don't buy into what your husband is saying anymore, it's almost certainly projection, and gaslighting.

The tools on the right of this page are a great place to start learning some tools that can help you. We can't change them, but we can change us, and how we deal with them. It is possible to have more peace.

[ColdEthyl]

Hello Bravelady and welcome!

I'm glad you found us, though I am sorry for the situation you are in. Early in my marriage when I didn't know was going on, that name calling, hateful behaviors my H was showing me hurt like heck. It left my confused, thinking it was me... .that I was doing something wrong... .that I was crazy... .

It's not like that for me any more. I've been here a year and since using the tools, my H has not name called me in months... .I can't really recall the last time. When he did start, I calmly told him I valued his opinion and I wanted to hear it, but not if he was going to be mean. I did not deserve it, and I would not listen to it. I told him I would leave for 15 minutes and come back and if he was ready to talk... .I would talk. He panicked and said please don't leave... .and stopped the name calling.

It can be done, with a lot of work. And sorry but... .we as 'nons' have most of the work to do. Using the tools on this site, my marriage is getting a lot better

[vortex of confusion]

 

I want to join the others in welcoming you to the forums.

The tools that you can find in the lessons are wonderful. It takes time to get the hang of them. It is a learning process for sure.

What kinds of abuse? There are lessons here about boundaries that can help you put a stop to some stuff. There is a lesson on Surviving Confrontation and disrespect that you might find helpful: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913191#msg913191

[married21years]

hi welcome

read read and read some more. loving someone with BPD is a great book i used and teaches you validation to calm things down. if you want to stay get therapy for you

look into projection. the issues he places on you are to painful for him to see in yourself.

8 years means you are very strong inside. harness that decide what you want and get help and support. i am 21 years married till i realized. 

she is just starting therapy.