Sympathy for the Uninitiated?

[FannyB]

Just reading some of the sad postings from members struggling to come to terms with the end of their BPD relationship got me thinking about my own break up (1st time around). I was in absolute mental turmoil trying to work out what was happening until I stumbled across the concept of BPD. At that point all became clear and a visit to the local sanitarium narrowly avoided. 

Given how badly people suffer despite knowing about BPD and the associated behavioural patterns makes me wonder how those that are still in the dark cope with all of this?

How would you be coping with the break up and it's aftermath if you didn't know BPD existed? 

[once removed]

good question fanny! i really dont know the answer, and the thought kind of scares me. id have healed, but its possible not fully or properly, or in the same amount of time. i might have contacted her at some point too.

i learned about BPD by accident/coincidence/i believe god send. BPD or not doesnt matter to me now, but at the time it practically saved my life.

of course everyone experiences things differently. i imagine if a person didnt make it to this forum or knowledge of BPD in general, perhaps they didnt need it as badly as i did. but yeah, i think youre right, that there are people who are experiencing similar things to those on this forum and wont find it, and it saddens me. makes a great case for greater awareness of BPD.

[dobie]

I think in my case and I don't know for sure if my x is BPD or just has traits or is just a total b@@@h but I would be a lot angirer and I'm pretty angry as is .

Its hard to take anything personal if you think or know your s/o suffers from a pd

[FannyB]

Well my ex doesn't seem to be on very good terms with her exes. Some have sought to re-engage then ultimately go NC, some think she's evil and hate her guts others have stalked her. Initially you think they are bitter and twisted and she made bad choices - then you start to see things in a whole new light!   I probably would have vacillated between desperation and hate. Discovering BPD was indeed a godsend.

[enlighten me]

Thats easy. I was a total wreck. I didnt know about BPD and it was only a few months after the recycle break up that I suspected histrionic. That was with my ex wife.

In fact it was only ater splitting up with my exgf that I discovered BPD and the more I read the more I realised it fitted my ex wife like a glove.

My realisation about BPD was after the break up but soon enough for me to start making sense of things. I was still a mess but a stronger one than on my first split.

It did make healing easier having a name to put to the crazy behaviour.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Just reading some of the sad postings from members struggling to come to terms with the end of their BPD relationship got me thinking about my own break up (1st time around). I was in absolute mental turmoil trying to work out what was happening until I stumbled across the concept of BPD. At that point all became clear and a visit to the local sanitarium narrowly avoided. 

Given how badly people suffer despite knowing about BPD and the associated behavioural patterns makes me wonder how those that are still in the dark cope with all of this?

How would you be coping with the break up and it's aftermath if you didn't know BPD existed? 

I can tell you for three months after she abandoned our relat I had no idea BPD existed. My uBPDexgf is a therapist. In the 9.5 years we were together we never discussed this disorder, I had no reason to suspect anything was unusual about her until we were together about 6 years. Then we had a b/u that lasted about 4 months. But we were in contact the entire time and eventually got back together. This time she just ended our relat saying she and her kids were going down a "different path" and never gave me an explanation as to why. We were a lesbian couple. I haven't heard a word from her since she sent me that message in my birthday card last year. I have had had many hang up calls, but the horse hasn't spoken.

So how does it feel not knowing it exists? Awful, terrible, life-sucking, and crazy-making. For three months I couldn't grasp any reason to her behavior particularly after what we had been through during the last 2.5 years. Frankly, knowing she may have this disorder doesn't really make it all that better. It's hard to have sympathy for someone who spends her days helping others with their problems when she doesn't address her own.

[FannyB]

Shadow

I feel I understand my ex now - but I don't sympathize with her that much. I'm a logical person and couldn't process this at all on the first break up. It could well have made me crazy! I was recycled knowing about BPD and it was quite a cathartic experience to observe the re-engagement from a more knowledgeable perspective.  Second time around her behaviours annoyed me rather than confused me. It's hard to accept such nonsense from an intelligent person! 

[WhatJustHappened?]

For me, whatever its worth, I knew something  was wrong but just couldn't pinpoint it. Being the curious person I am, I started to research my exgfBDFs behavior and bingo! Here I am and very thankful to know what the issue is/was.

[ZeusRLX]

Haha, I would probably think it's some kind of a spell or fate or something.

Or I just attract the type of women that don't know what they want.

In many cultures where mental health awareness is not high this is exactly what they think.

It helps a lot to think of it as a disorder then you know not to reason with them or try to approach it on any kind of rational standpoint. Less frustrating too.

You just try to manage it as a medical condition or disengage.

[Trog]

Knowing my wife is mentally ill and refusing to engage in treatment is a total blessing. Especially as I move from anger to sadness, without being firm in that knowledge, esp as im in therapy looking at my faults, for sure i would have re-engaged her.

The worst thing that could happen to me would be her engaging in therapy and telling me about it and asking me to support that. It's selfish in a way, but I hope she gets on with that, if she ever does, alone!

[Beach_Babe]

I think id have kept trying to contact him. In my case however, he was already diagnosed with BPD. I struggled to accept npd. That he was not simply disregulated, but in complete control; that cold cruel person was who he really was. He enjoyed hurting me.

[UserName69]

I knew she was seeing a psychiatrist she was on meds too. I knew there was something wrong with her but I never knew about BPD. She showed a lot of symptoms, getting distant, idolizing me, self harm, cheating. I have told her manytimes that she's acting weird and that something is wrong with her, she always replied with I don't want to talk about it.

Thanks to girl I have been dating now I know about BPD. When I told her about my exBPD once she told me about BPD. When I started to read stories on this board I noticed that I can relate to almost anything people have been writing on this board about their exBPD's.

[FannyB]

I think the best thing about knowing about BPD is that it allows us to obtain the closure our disordered SO is duty bound to deny us. Once you accept EVERYTHING about BPD - the good and the bad - you appreciate that what transpired was inevitable from the moment you first clasped eyes on them!   The disorder itself provides the answers that we need to help us heal and move on. If you can't accept BPD and its many vagaries (and I know it defies logic!) then you'll find yourself mentally trapped trying to make sense of the nonsensical.