uBPD SIL - where do I go from here?

[tzt123]

Ok a bit of quick background before my questions:

My brother's wife (no kids) has what I strongly believe to be BPD. She is either very charming or extremely cold to our family, and you never know which one to expect. She has isolated my brother from friends, hobbies, and family. He is extremely doting and protective of her. She has numerous chronic health issues which are not confirmed by doctors. She has had doctors suggest they might be psychological but she dismisses their advice. She uses these as "excuses" for being rude, excluding herself from family functions, requiring special treatment, etc.

She has plunged my brother into debt to the point where they cannot get approved for any more loans, have no assets, and no savings. They rely heavily on my parents for supplementary income. My parents try tirelessly to win her over, putting up with behaviour they would never accept from anyone else. They are afraid of losing what little contact they have with my brother. No gratitude for their efforts or financial support is ever expressed. She has had affairs, and I have witnessed emotional abuse and manipulation of my brother more times than I can count. My brother and I are close, probably the closet relationship my brother has left besides my SIL, but it is becoming increasingly distant and strained, as my SIL does not like me and hasn't from the start, despite my best efforts at having a relationship with her.

Basically I have arrived at a place where I don't have much hope that she will change, and recognize that my brother has his own issues to work on, and that he chose this partner. He has anxiety attacks and insomnia and is often depressed, due to his marital problems. I worry about him but know only he can change his situation. I also recognize that my parents have chosen to enter this situation in an unhealthy way by constantly supporting them with no boundaries or repercussions for extremely hurtful behaviour. I am working hard on keeping myself as at peace with that as i can be, even though I am deeply saddened by the distance in our once very close and loving family.

My question now is how do I navigate maintaining a relationship with my brother (and out of necessity to my SIL)? How can I be supportive to my brother? How do I act around my SIL who ignores me most of the time, works to errode my relationship with my brother, but then often is very charming and acts like nothing is wrong to my face? I feel as if I am just constantly faking it so that I won't raise any red flags and I can maintain (often covert) contact with my brother. I am, of course, walking on eggshells in that way, and it drives me crazy to be so disingenuous, but I am the only person my brother reaches out to when he needs love and support, and I feel like keeping that line open trumps everything else. Any insights or suggestions are appreciated!

[Kwamina]

Hi tzt123

Difficult situation you're in, seeing what is happening to your once very close family.

You mention your brother having his own issues too and rightly point out that he chose this partner. Is your brother getting any kind of treatment for his own problems (anxiety, depression, insomnia)?

Your brother reaches out to you when he needs love and support. Do you feel that he realizes or acknowledges that there might be something wrong with his wife? Has your brother ever expressed to you that he suspects his wife might have psychological and/or emotional issues?

To help you navigate this difficult situation, I suggest you take a look at several of the resources we have here about topics such as boundaries, validation and things you can do yourself to end the cycle of conflict:

Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order

Communication Skills - Validation

Ending the Cycle of Conflict

Boundaries are very important when dealing with someone who has BPD. Setting and enforcing boundaries helps you protect your own well-being. Do you feel like setting and enforcing boundaries with your brother and SIL is something you are comfortable with doing? The other two resources might help you in your communication, with your SIL as well as your brother:

Validation opens people up and contributes to the feeling of comfort and safety when communicating with you.

... .

Nowhere is the communication skill of validation more important than in interfacing with highly sensitive individuals, individuals with low self esteem or individuals who are easily intimidated.  This is a very valuable tool for dealing with people with Borderline Personality Disorder.

... .

To validate is to acknowledge and accept a person. Invalidation, on the other hand, is to reject, ignore, or judge.

Validation of feelings is vital to connecting with others. The mutual validation of feelings is important in all phases of relationships including building, maintaining, repairing, and improving them.

Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse.

Someone has to be first. This means generating the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are destructive to the relationship.

Take care

[tzt123]

Thanks for your feedback Kwamina!

No my brother isn't getting any help. Frankly I doubt he can afford therapy and so far it doesn't seem as if he has accessed any other support. He also doesn't think his wife has a problem (or if he does he hasn't mentioned it). He blames himself for a lot of their issues, likely because she does. He also is so worried about her physical and emotional health (she plays a fragile victim often) that he usually supports her in her belief that she is being wronged. This applies to friends, family members, doctors, etc. He seems to not notice or excuses her sometimes shockingly rude or mean behaviour toward others. She always has a reason why it isn't her fault, but he seems to be the only one who doesn't notice that they are often unreasonable justifications. She has been in an accident that she says has rendered her unable to feel emotionally connected to anything since (happened during their engagement but she didn't tell him this until after the wedding), but this is plainly false as she maintains other very close friendships. It only seems to apply to their marriage, and it leaves him trying to make her fall in love with him again. Just writing that breaks my heart.

I rarely speak with her and when I do I simply try to be polite and cheerful and not get into anything personal. Just remaining friendly is actually challenging sometimes for me I have to admit. As far as my relationship with my brother I try to be supportive and check in on him regularly but refrain from giving advice or opinions on their issues. More just trying to encourage him to keep himself well and get some support and make sure he isn't disappearing into a dark hole. I don't know what else to do, and part of me feels ok with that but on the other hand he just keeps getting more disconnected from me and his friends and family, more depressed, and more... .well... .just not who he used to be... .a happy, smart, and very funny guy.