Mother and Sister Both have BPD

[ahamoment123]

The good news is I'm here.  The less than good news is that it has taken me a solid 26 years to figure out that this is the major source of dysfunction in my family.

I am a 46 year old married mom of three.

My father is deceased and I have one sister that has disassociated herself from the family because my other sister and mother have made it impossible for her to have a place.

Now I too am considering the same.

There are years and years of stories but essentially I have a 56 year old sister that is very rageful, hurtful and controlling of my 81 year old Mother who lives next door to her.  My Mother and Father (before his death) favored my middle sister and sided with her at every pass.  They have given her a house, multiple cars, paid for two divorces and have bequeathed all that they will leave to her and her son.

They told my older sister this at my fathers funeral and she essentially said that she had had enough and would no longer be in a relationship with them.  I have told myself and my Mom that I wanted a relationship and not money, and have tried to stick it out these last 5 years.

Unfortunately, the extreme favoritism and lack of support from my Mom is making it impossible to do so.

My sister is on her 3rd husband.  She fights with EVERYONE.  Co-workers, neighbors, people that used to be her friends, and especially me and her step daughters. 

Everything and I mean everything I say to my mother gets told to my sister.

I have not had a relationship of my own with my mother for at least 25 years.  Anytime my sister gets mad at me ... .my mother will not speak to me.

A couple of weeks ago, we went to visit my Mom and sister who live next to each other.

My sister and I had words over nothing really.  She has fits of rage and spins out of control very easily.  She began screaming at me in her house with her teenage step daughters upstairs.  I was yelling back at her saying that all I ever wanted was my own relationship with my Mother and that she wouldn't let me have a mother.

It got very ugly.  She drug me out into the front yard when I yelled that she wouldn't let her step daughters maintain a relationship with their mother either.

Now I realize why that was like gasoline.

Her FEAR of abandonment by husband #3.

And that's when the bridge was burned.

She drug me into the yard screaming at the top of her lungs about some non related sins I had commited years earlier that had zero to do with her.  My personal private

sins, that could destroy my own family. 

At this point I knew that I could no longer have a relationship with a sibling or person who could do that.  It was over.

My Mother took her side despite hearing what she had done to me.

My mother then refused to come to my son's wedding the following week.

I have tried talking to my mother, but it's as if my sister has put a gag order on her and my mother will not carry on a conversation with me.

I am beyond hurt, and angry, I don't think I can ever forgive my sister.

I have always known they are mentally ill, but neither has or will ever seek counseling.

They are small town minded people that just won't do it.

Am I cold for deciding I no longer want a relationship with my sister ever again?  I have no trust in her and believe she would hurt me in a second.

[goingtostopthis]

Ahamoment,


        I have the very same problem except the other way around.  My mother wont allow me to have a separate relationship with my sister., Or it could very well be the other way around too. I believe this whole time my mom has been responsible for pitting my sister and I against each other, and she has done it in the worst way. I was told I would be on the title as well in reference to this property that was willed to my sister by my Aunt. Ever since my sister and I started fighting the idea of me being on the deed as well,as equals has been out of the question by her. It didnt take long for me to realize that the only reason she was doing this to me was for control and petty punishment. For the drama, for the NPD feed only she had going with my mother. Mean while I had been spinning in so pain over this,  and they didnt care, too bussy thinking about themselves.

                 I got really mad at her for bullying me and told my mother about this , along with some choice words about what I thought she was. A narcissists. It turned out my mother told her everything I said which fueled the fire even worse. Stupidly, it took me awhile to figure out what was going on. I thought my sister was BPD, but no she is like a pawn to my mother who I understand now has several NPD traits.   

                I have no exact proof, just strong suspicions that my mother has gotten to my dad too. About the time my sister changed, ya, she changed right before I moved her, my dad did too, he started being really mean to me for no reason and making accusations that I had certain attitudes about things I "never" had!  It was weird.

                   +I figure, my mom is getting older, more insecure.  She as been living with my sister for about 15 years.  Very un natural in my book.  My sister has needed to get her butt kicked for along time to grow up and get out and live her own life and tow the line like the rest of us independently. She's 56 now. As soon as she divorsed she moved back in with my mother. When my mom divorced my father, she failed at 3 relationships that turned abusive and from there she clinged on to my sister for emotional support in everything! and they havent been  separate since.  Its interesting that before my sister changed we were really close, closer then we had ever been.I dont know what my mom did, I guess this was threatening to her. Some how she tore us up. Id say with her gossiping tongue. They do this over a period of time, very sneaky and convert.

                     Now, Im at the point now where Im just trying to accept this and not really expect them to ever change. I wanted to get my sister to go to therapy with me and she had agreed. I figured I had a chance since on the surface it felt the real issues were only between she and I. At the last minute before out appointment my mother canceled a trip with an excuse and insisted that she had to come to this therapy session too. I told her I only wanted to go with my sister since we were the ones who had been fighting. My mother said no and threatened to cancel the appointment all together unless she was coming too. I was PRETTY mad. When we got to the session , the therapist asked me why I was unhappy and I told him about wanting this session just with my sister because we need to work on "our" relationship as sisters.    He turned to my sister and she said she believes the only reason I want this is to tear her and my mother apart.  My mother sat right next to her and agreed along with her.   Imagine that?  Talk about disfunction.  Was my mother being a mother as a mother is supposed to be? Supporting the needs of her children? Hell no... .   Just serving her NPD Self. at the exspense of both her duaghters.     She wont let me have a sister.  Basically, ya... .pretty sick in my book.  Anyways Ive all ready written too much.    I do have more thoughts on this subjects.  I share more later.                 

[goingtostopthis]

Ahamoment,

     Oh ya... .  I was also going to tell you that you are not alone in the being dragged out in the yard scenario.

When I first got here things got really bad! I confronted my sister about the way she was treating me and she lost it, she got up ,came at me, grabbed me by the coat collars and pushed me in the other room, going backwards until she had me up against the door.  She wouldnt let go of my coat.  I told her Id call the police, of course she didnt believe it.  I told my mother about it and she minamized it and proceded to blame me for the confrontation and then she shamed me for freezing the pipes in the house, when I had nothing to do with that. My sister did it, of course. It was bad,,  really bad for about 3 months.  Boy! Red flags were flying above my head when that happened. I told my father about it. I was panicked.  He didnt do anything. I think he would have prefered to pretend I never said anything at all.  No one in my family wanted to deal with this. I was in shock for weeks after this. I was afraid of her!  

                        I finally found myself a therapist and helped me work on boundaries.  I was thinking cement walls.  The first thing I did was put locks on all the doors on my side of the house. I changed the lock on the front door and had my own key. There was this window in this door that led out to the porch where she goes all the time to feed my aunts cats. Well, I covered it with paper so she couldnt see in and she didnt like that. Like should I care? And then she did something really irrational. She took a table cloth and tape it up on her side with duck tape. why?  got me. I coudnt see it, my side of the glass was all ready covered, you couldnt see through it?  I guess, 1+1 ,  she was mad because I was setting up some definite boundaries and she didnt like that, less control.

                 Like  I didnt have a right to my own privacy?  I had every right.

 I learned the hard way.  These two like to provoke.  And man! was I ever provoked!  So many fights when on for about 2 months where I was ganged up upon, I guess because wasnt interested in following their sick script. I kept with my therapist  during this time and kept working on boundaries and non reacting.  Getting me to react is what they wanted. They wanted this drama!  They fed off it!  Im not perfect at non reacting to them,but  much much better then I was when I first got here. I dont want to give it to them anymore.

                     I think what has upset me the most about this whole scene is how they ave managed to keep my attention on them, my hatred on them and energy on them and what they are doing all the time. It has consumed me.  As they have gone on to minimize me and cause me to react, I am now going to start minimizing them in my mind.  If it takes finding a new hobbie, a boy friend, a pet elephant,  Im going to do it because they are not worth this kind of misery.  They are the ones who have blown things up and as long as I give them what they want, its going stay blown up.  I have to live with the now, I cant leave, and I feel empty because at this moment I cant feel an ounce of love for either of them. Im sure when it comes down to it, they are family and of course you love your family!  Well, I cant find that feeling at the moment and Im not going to knock myself out trying. Ill try to act in a loving way when the time calls for it, but when you dont feel that someone is loving you, what is there? Two selfish self centered women who only care about themselves through lies and fabrications all in the name of their own self defensiveness and insecurity.  Im thinking of making two voodoe dolls, not to ever hurt,  but to ritualistically take the time to make and then to find a box somewhere to put them in with the lid closed.