Sharing story: Qs on intensive therapy, reducing dependence, success stories

[support sibling]

Hi all,

I've posted in this group a couple of times, a few years ago, and I've received some great support and advice. Here is my current situation, would love to hear some thoughts

THIS MESSAGE ENDED UP REALLY LONG, if you don't have time to read it all, IF YOU COULD PLEASE SHARE ANYTHING RELATED TO THE 3 QUESTION AT BOTTOM THAT WOULD BE GREAT  



So, my story... .After finishing university nearly 4 years ago I moved to another city (where my brother lived) to support my brother who was struggling in life - although I wanted to go travelling, badly. Through the next 4 years I've supported him through what appeared to be, and in my opinion still best described by, borderline presentation (or BPD) characteristics, a psychiatrist diagnosed him with adult ADD, with BPD characteristics, almost 2 years ago.

The first year was the toughest, as my brother started self harming and getting very suicidal. I had no idea any of this would happen or what was happening... .I stopped all work as we solitarily lived in a one bedroom flat together. My parents, although loving, were on the outer (my choice) as they could not really help - they never really got how to best support my brother although trying - and lived in another state. They are now more in the loop and slightly calmer. Always very supportive, especially with finance and love.

Then... .Over the next 4 years (after i moved to Live with my bro) there have been many highs and lows. But overall my brother has considerably improved dramatically. Completing his university degree last year. Recording and releasing some of his own songs, and playing his own gig. Playing in a band for the last year (even though he struggles with the guys). He lives a share house and works part time in a bike shop. He also went on an overseas trip for 3 months alone - well with a Bhudist group. So, on the whole he has progressed from being 'lost' with no idea what was going on in his mind, he now has much more awareness and some good stuff happening, or staring to.

This has not just been from my support but from various therapist, retreats and other people along the way. But principally it's been me holding it all together... .(Feels a touch overwhelming writing that down... .Shows it probably needs to be acknowledged) I've helped him create friendships and networks, principally through connections I've made, and been the 'crisis negotiator' to clean things up and help my brother make decisions when he gets to a point of "wanting to leave everything and isolate". I try my best to always facilitate him to his own solution or decision instead of me making them for him. Seems to work best.

In my life sometime this commitment to my brother well-being has often appear a bit vague with others or maybe 'self sacrificial' in my life. I've Had to leave share houses after conflict was caused due to his closeness with my room mates then aloofness. Ended potential relationships and jobs. And, well many other stories... .

But that's not the point! I don't have any anger towards my brother, I love the ___ out of him, and also really love hanging out - most of the time. And we actually do have a really unique loving relationship, he never tried to manipulate me or have any negative impacts on my life (when in joyful or dark state), it's purely my choice to be involved and support him. So healthy in that way. The issue is that I want to start to get my life in order too. Although getting better at making my space a having boundaries - I have had a few weeks away here and there, created more meaningful, supportive friendships in my life, and had some productive project and now really meaningful passionate opportunities in my life. This is the challenge... .That is the backstory (as brief as I could make it for context)

I am now in my late 20's and really want to travel to create space in my life. In my life I am noticing I have become half in everything: supporting my bro, committing to project and opportunities, relationships and well, everything. I am doing fine in a day to day well-being sense (I try and alway be healthy, positive and optimistic), but deep down I am getting more and more agitated as I really want to connect and create my own life, career and family, but cannot seen to find the mental space and energy to do it. BASICALLY I NEED A BREAK: TO CONNECT TO MYSELF, EXPLORE THE WORLD AND MY LIFE AND PASSIONS WHICH FIRE ME UP. I do a lot for my well being as my passions are movement (dance) and group facilitation - gifts I've learnt through being on this wild ride. But I just feel I need to go on my mission to also get I to my life fully.

So as dramatic as I'm potentially sounding (trying my best to write his non judgementally towards myself and my brother, but I have never shared my full story like this) I have booked tickets for me to travel overseas to dance, travel and explore for 6 months in the next few months.

The challenge... .Creating the supports and sustainability for my brother in his life while I'm gone. It appears, it probably wouldn't surprise some of you, that things seem to be falling apart in my brother life, now. It appears his day to day well-being is becoming increasingly worse, especially when by himself - ok when i'm with him. Had a massive day yesterday which resulting in him screaming and punching himself in the face while we were in the car, as he said that was the worst he's felt in a long time. He's said to me he is starting to feel more lost and having clearer, louder, more specific voices in his head saying suicidal stuff. WARNING BELLS FOR TO SEND MESSAGES LIKE THIS. Add onto this his band is coming to a head with a EP to be recorded soon - feels like a moment. His job appears to be closing soon. And of course with all this loving in a share house and having other relations becomes increasingly tough for him. WHEN IT RAINS IT POORS, RIGHT? That seems to be life.

He really, really doesn't want to be dependent on me, or anyone. He really wants to just live a sustainable life, playing music and being stable. He's said this many times!

So... .It feels we may be getting back to a melting pot, before I leave. Not that it's about me, maybe let's leave that out but just for context to keep my 'keeping me' in this context. Because i really need this time away for me and my family.

My challenge really lies in WHAT TO DO NEXT? How to best support my brother to build things up? Again. How to create support networks when I'm away? Should I try and encourage my brother to start another therapy? Which one? Couldn't seem to get this to happen in the past? Should I encourage him to leave all the messiness hear and mode back with the parent to focus on music and have family around? Hasn't worked before, why now... .Lots to consider, you get it.

The challenges I've seen with therapy, and my bro: when he's up (with people) he's up, that's not the issues, it's when he's down (by himself) that it's challenging. Principally the patten seems to be up with therapists (during or after sessions) then he's lost for a week until he sees them again.  How to make this sustainable? Are there any heart centred approaches that are also intensive? Intensive tools training? THATS WHAT MY BROTHER REALLY DESIRES AND HE HAS TOLD ME THIS MANY TIMES! It just doesn't seem to exist (we are in Australia).

So that's the practical side. My brother has done a lot of different therapy with one-one psychologists, psychiatrists, then/now down the spiritual path; Bhudist practices (then got a bit complex) and now other more spiritual/energetic healers and coaches. I'm open to whatever he feels might work bit nothing appears to create sustainability or real, ongoing tool development and awareness in his life... .So, this worries me (hence the 4am msg) this lack of sustainability has meant I have jumped back into coaching/ support role to try and help clean and build up my bro's life again. Right now, living in his room again - I've moved out of my place and am down to a backpack before travelling. The dependency is worrying me, as I see him falling away when I am no longer with him - eg when I left to do other stuff during the day yesterday, and it all went to ___.

This message has got long, really long... .but I guess it feels like it all relevant to answer my query - maybe - and it's good to get it out in one narrative. It's been a tough few years, so feels relieving to share

________

# AREAS FOR SUPPORT #

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Key question marks for me which support would be great from anyone here. So reference to posts, articles, blogs or knowledge yourself would be appreciated

- ideas and options for THERAPY/SKILLS TRAINING and effectiveness of this? (DBT seemed to be a bit too clinical, was told about EFT yesterday info? Structure seems to be great but impossible to implement?)

- How can I reduce/release myself from this DEPENDENT ROLE again without leaving my brother hanging too precariously?

- Anything pointing to SUCCESS STORIES that may resonate with my story would help greatly? Anything under the label or BPD appears to be a rabbit whole of no hope... .Any other terms or descriptors given in other circles for these characteristics? Maybe not so clinical terms? Ie. in wholistic terms do they describe as ’mood swings'?

Thanks!   

[Kwamina]

Hi support sibling

Welcome back!

It's commendable that you have done so much to try and help your brother. You have your own life too though and I understand your desire to do something for yourself now. He's your brother, but he's also an adult. Though he has BPD, he's still responsible for his own life.

I gather from your previous posts that your brother has been officially diagnosed with BPD. Has he ever gotten any targeted treatment specifically for his BPD? You mention DBT and that it seems a bit too clinical to you. You also mention that when your brother was in therapy, he struggled in the time between therapy sessions. Perhaps it could help him to utilize other resources too such as DBT Self Help. This is a website for people who are seeking information about DBT and the material on the site was primarily written by people who have been through DBT themselves. Here's the link to this website: www.dbtselfhelp.com/

Your brother talking about the voices in his head getting louder and telling him suicidal stuff, is something I find quite concerning. You mention that the first year you lived with him, he was self-harming and suicidal, how was he able to overcome this? Were there any things he or you did back then that might also help him now?

[support sibling]

I gather from your previous posts that your brother has been officially diagnosed with BPD. Has he ever gotten any targeted treatment specifically for his BPD?

Your brother talking about the voices in his head getting louder and telling him suicidal stuff, is something I find quite concerning. You mention that the first year you lived with him, he was self-harming and suicidal, how was he able to overcome this? Were there any things he or you did back then that might also help him now?

Hi Kwamina,

Thanks for your response 

Responding to the two questions you asked above:

No my brother hasn't formally done any Psychology therapies, such as DBT. The last diagnosis he had in the Psychology/Psychiatry world was that of adult ADD. Which ended up in drug prescription, and some ongoing appointments, some One-one therapy with a Psychologist for a while, but not structured program. This perplexed me a bit... . As my brother just kept waving between going on and off the drug to be sustainable. My brother has recently been doing some other courses and sessions but with slightly alternate focusses to Psych. Some 'Spiritual' (Psychic and and coaching focussed), very heart based. I think these great, and see them having a positive impact, but also wonder of the use or power of specific tools for ongoing sustainability in my bros life. Often he still goes in waves of 'getting really stuck' which ends up in him spending days at home in bed watching movies to avoid lots of triggers. Or deciding he wants to leave everything.

For me, the descriptors of BPD (although i struggle with the name and all the stigma attached to it) seem to describe some of these specific, relational challenges he faces, so therefore, again, if brings me to wonder of some effective tools which can help him to live a meaningful sustainable life? But he has a good connection with these other 'alternative' people and courses. So i am wondering if i should encourage him to continue with these? We are meeting with one of the ladies for a session for both of us in a few days. He suggested it as a way of clearing some stuff between us, and also a chance for me to be honest about how I perceive his experience, also his suggestion. The thought behind this is also that, at times, other percieve my brother to be a pretty care free, loose guy. Who, sure is challenged to focus and achieve the goals he wants, but don't really get a sense of how much he struggled, or gets stuck, when he is by himself.

I guess i believe that both for his ongoing growth and safety, and for my health - to relax and be in my own life while over seas - having some structure and ongoing, regular support would be helpful. Actual it's a must.

Which links into the second question you asked (quoted above)... .a lot of the overcoming was ongoing support with myself. He did do some therapy with Psychologists, psychotherapists, various retreat and practices (Chi Gong, Buddhism, Psychi stuff). His wellbeing and ability to deal with people and relationships has improved hugely. But, I am still aware that I am often a key component in this... .e.g. before getting to crisis point or getting hugely overwhelmed by personal interactions which happen, I calmly work through these with him through questions etc. to resolve them as we go. This is often quite a long process. ANYWAY I am going on, but what I guess I am seeing is that I feel having this is very important with him, and he doesn't seem to have, or generally create these kind of friendships in his life, where he feels comfortable to talk things through when in a tough time. He struggles with my parents, but they could probably improve (and would be willing to do so more to support me as well) and maybe these relationships he has with these teachers at the moment could be helpful to continue to grow? He seems to have a lot of trust and respect for them.

The key thing with the 'suicidal stuff' is that I am concerned that the people supporting him currently, or anyone once I have gone, have no awareness of this (I know they don't know things get this bad currently) and therefore he doesn't have any supports or specific proven tools to help deal with this.

These are all my concerns... .with this in mind, my brother has actually now decided to go back home for a few months to live with the parents to try and reset and focus on his music. I feel this could be a good change, and support for both of us as I hoon off overseas, as we have extended family and he has some good friends at home as well... .I feel a bit more calm about it all actually, after blurting it all out to you here. Some good questions to explore

[Kwamina]

... .with this in mind, my brother has actually now decided to go back home for a few months to live with the parents to try and reset and focus on his music. I feel this could be a good change, and support for both of us as I hoon off overseas, as we have extended family and he has some good friends at home as well... .I feel a bit more calm about it all actually, after blurting it all out to you here. Some good questions to explore

Great to hear you are feeling calmer now and that your brother will have a support network while you are overseas

[Leaving]

Sibling,

I know that you care so much about your brother and want to protect him.  It's natural to want that for a loved one.  You are shouldering enormous responsibility for someone else's life and well-being and while I understand that because I felt that way about my BPD husband for most of my marriage, I can tell you from my experience that unless they realize that they need help and seek help on their own, nothing you do will change anything long term. I got into the habit of constantly buffering the pain and suffering with happy and positive and it was a self defeating cycle that I'm paying for now in all sorts of ways.   I was always there to fix and repair and make everything alright again. It became a never ending cycle that had detrimental effects on my own health and well-being.  Now, I'm trying to get healthy and my husband is still no better off than he was years ago.   He's not there for me even as a friend.  You can't control him or his life or his happiness.   I'm very concerned about you because I don't want you to ever feel that you are responsible for your brother's suffering- especially if his circumstances get worse.  I would also hate to think that you might develop a habit or attraction to people/partners who need help. 

I'm glad that your brother is seeking spiritual guidance and education through Buddhism and I am very familiar with the Western Order in the UK.  They are a good group of people, very close and very supportive.

I wish that I had an easy answer for you but unfortunately, there is nothing easy about watching people we care about suffer.  We can't control anyone else's outcomes. Only give what you can give freely. When we constantly find ourselves sacrificing our own needs in order to create happiness for others, then we end up empty and sometimes resentful and sometimes in poor health. 

The best thing you could do for yourself is to find a counselor to mentor you through the transition of setting boundaries and learning the best/healthy ways to help yourself help your brother.

As a reference:

My NPD/BPD husband was first diagnosed as ADHD and put on an amphetamine.  That medication created more problems causing him to become a very antisocial, anorexic, insomniac, addict.   

After talking to his psychiatrist, I took him off those meds. The psychiatrist did say to me, ' I don't know what is wrong with your husband at this time but he seems to lack a conscience and it's not your responsibility to make him grow one'

Through the years he continued to be passive-aggressive, destructive, and very typical BPD and NPD but I really didn't know much about either of the two disorders.  I just knew I had my hands full and my life was in the toilet.

Last summer, I decided to leave and have been making my way slowly out the door- mainly because we have a business, I have no other job and now I have health problems that need to get resolved.  But, my husband decided to seek therapy once he knew I was leaving. He also became extremely obsessed with Buddhism and Yoga. I'm not talking normal or healthy interest.  I mean OBSESSED to the point that he was even using it as a means to belittle and abuse me.  He also quit eating which is one of his typical 'control' behaviors.  He's like a binge anorexic. I noticed this years ago.  He then accuses me and everyone else as being fat and lazy while he's starving himself, doing yoga. Anyway,  the therapist he got was not the right therapist for his needs and she was not trained and experienced in BPD and as a result, she accidentally caused him to become psychotic, delusional, aggressive and downright abusive.   It was so scary that I left and began living in a hotel.  I sought help from women's shelter and another therapist who contacted my husband's therapist, explained what was happening ( I had video and photos) and it was then that a psychiatrist stepped in and properly diagnosed him.  My husband is very ill even though most people would never know that.  I haven't told his family because I know they would just turn a blind eye and don't care which is why he's disordered in the first place. 

I haven't the physical or emotional or mental ability to care for a mentally ill person anymore.  I never did but,  I did the best I could and even sacrificed my own security, health and happiness to do so.  I hope you won't fall into the same cycle I did.  Please take care of yourself first. Your brother needs a professionally trained clinician to help him and only they can decide what therapy will work best for him.  I hope he finds one soon.  I know you will be there to encourage him throughout his life which is wonderful but that's really all you can do.