Intro to our heartbreak

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am writing about our daughter-in-law, age 39, mother of our 3 adorable grandkids, a physician, who is married to our eldest son.  We had 10 years of getting along famously with them as a married couple until October 2013 when our son announced that he had to "separate from us to save his family."  He was devastated and we were shocked beyond belief.  No real explanations given.  The next day, my husband asked how our son how he was doing and he replied, "I am still in the house."  2 weeks later, our son said he was "learning things about mom (me) that he never knew before."  Thus began a character assassination of me first, and then of my husband.  Over the past 20 months, things have gone from bad to worse to beyond.  They moved out of state a few months ago.  We essentially have no communication with them.  Of interest is that when they moved here four years ago, our daughter-in-law was estranged from her entire family (mother, father, stepmother, stepfather, 2 sisters and 2 brothers-in-law) due to abuse (sexual, physical, verbal).  This estrangement came on suddenly (we thought they were a close knit family) and lasted 2 years for some of them and 3 years for others. She has since reconciled with them and then it became our turn. . . . 

[heartisbroken]

I am writing about our daughter-in-law, age 39, mother of our 3 adorable grandkids, a physician, who is married to our eldest son.  We had 10 years of getting along famously with them as a married couple until October 2013 when our son announced that he had to "separate from us to save his family."  He was devastated and we were shocked beyond belief.  No real explanations given.  The next day, my husband asked how our son how he was doing and he replied, "I am still in the house."  2 weeks later, our son said he was "learning things about mom (me) that he never knew before."  Thus began a character assassination of me first, and then of my husband.  Over the past 20 months, things have gone from bad to worse to beyond.  They moved out of state a few months ago.  We essentially have no communication with them.  Of interest is that when they moved here four years ago, our daughter-in-law was estranged from her entire family (mother, father, stepmother, stepfather, 2 sisters and 2 brothers-in-law) due to abuse (sexual, physical, verbal).  This estrangement came on suddenly (we thought they were a close knit family) and lasted 2 years for some of them and 3 years for others. She has since reconciled with them and then it became our turn. . . . 

[Kwamina]

Hi heartisbroken

Welcome to bpdfamily and thanks for sharing your story. I can see why you've chosen this screenname, I understand how not having contact with your son and grandchildren must be very hard for you. When your son said that he had to "separate from you to save his family", did he elaborate on this? Did he say why he felt this step was necessary to save his family?

Based on your post it seems that you've been subjected to a smear/distortion campaign. You mention that before this period of no contact, for 10 years you got along great with them. Looking back now, would you say that during those 10 years there were already signs that there might be something wrong with your daughter-in-law? Like the estrangement from her own family, were there also other signs?

When your daughter-in-law reconciled with her family, how did that come about?

I am sorry you are in this difficult situation. Many of our members know how hard it can be to have someone with BPD in your family and will be able to relate to you.

Take care

[heartisbroken]

Thanks for your response.  I hope I am responding to your post in the correct place----I am new at this!  In response to your questions, my son didn't give us reasons that were anything substantial.  However, what started the vitriol towards us and the going after us was that he and his wife heard from a 2nd cousin of his (a psychiatrist) who called and said that a "family member called her and said that I had told them that our DIL was crazy."  I knew this wasn't true because we hadn't said anything to hardly any one because we were still shell shocked from being cut off.  This infamous phone call has been referenced more times than I care to remember.  The person who called the cousin, called me several months later.  She is a close family friends (not a member of our family) and says she never said told the psychiatrist cousin that I said our DIL is crazy but rather called just to inquire as to what was going on as she knows me and my husband and is a huge supporter of ours.  Also, in looking back we can now see red flags along the way (a big one was our DIL quit her residency for no real reason.  She went back and finished several months later.)  As far as her family and the estrangement from them was concerned----she use to have pictures of ALL of them all over her house.  When pregnant with their 2nd child our DIL says her mother told her she was an "unfit mother" and then everything came tumbling down.  Our DIL said that they had ALL been abusive of her for her entire life and so she proceeded to cut them all off.  We thought this was strange, but felt sorry for her that anyone would treat her as she described.  As far as her reconciling with her family, I am not sure how that came about.  I know they "groveled" for months.  Her one sister paid her quite a large sum of money to make up for some babysitting that our DIL had done for her.  Anyway, it has been a nightmare----to lose our son and our grandkids is almost unbearable. . . .thanks for your encouragement. 

I am writing about our daughter-in-law, age 39, mother of our 3 adorable grandkids, a physician, who is married to our eldest son.  We had 10 years of getting along famously with them as a married couple until October 2013 when our son announced that he had to "separate from us to save his family."  He was devastated and we were shocked beyond belief.  No real explanations given.  The next day, my husband asked how our son how he was doing and he replied, "I am still in the house."  2 weeks later, our son said he was "learning things about mom (me) that he never knew before."  Thus began a character assassination of me first, and then of my husband.  Over the past 20 months, things have gone from bad to worse to beyond.  They moved out of state a few months ago.  We essentially have no communication with them.  Of interest is that when they moved here four years ago, our daughter-in-law was estranged from her entire family (mother, father, stepmother, stepfather, 2 sisters and 2 brothers-in-law) due to abuse (sexual, physical, verbal).  This estrangement came on suddenly (we thought they were a close knit family) and lasted 2 years for some of them and 3 years for others. She has since reconciled with them and then it became our turn. . . . 

[swampped]

Dear Heartisbroken:  I am so sorry to hear your story, and want to let you know you are not alone.  Although we are all sorry to need to be on this board, we are a close family here, and we really do understand your pain.  I have also had  a similar problem:  our son, now age 35, and mildly developmentally delayed, met a woman seven years older, they had a baby (our gd, now 6), married, and moved out of state three months after the baby was born.  I am sure our ex-dil has BPD, although she has never been formally diagnosed.  The reason for the out of state move was so they could be closer to her two older children, who are in their father's custody.  Our story is a long one, with many twists and turns.  They divorced three years ago---he still lives close by so he can see gd6 weekly.  He makes minimum wage, so we send $$ to support the little girl (and her mother, as it turns out!) as well as help our ds with his rent and other expenses.  The money we send and his paychecks are the price he pays for seeing his daughter.  A terrible situation, but the little girl seems happy and well adjusted now, and her mother provides for her very well.  What the future will hold as she becomes independent of her mother is another question, and a serious worry.  We looked into trying to obtain custody of gd6 when she was an infant, and basically found out that grandparents are way down on the list of rights, especially across state lines.  And to look at things from the outside, there was no neglect or abuse to be found.  So we have come to some peace with our arrangement, and pray that she will know that her grandparents love her, although we see her only once or twice a year.  It is far from ideal, but it is what it is, and we (my dh and I) have found help with our friends at AlAnon and on these boards.  Have you sought out a therapist for yourselves?  The whole AlAnon approach of detaching with love, accepting what you cannot change, and letting go and letting God have helped us find some peace.  That, plus the fact that my dh and I are in our late 60s and have health issues that I know would preclude our raising a little one have been a stark reminder that we cannot fix it for our son, our granddaughter, or her mother.   I would encourage you to look at the Parenting a son or daughter board for some insight into how people with BPD think, and ways to communicate more effectively when that is a possibility.  I know this does not help your pain with the distancing from your son and his children, but that situation is likely to change over time, and it will help to know more about the condition and how to communicate.   Wishing you peace.        swampped

[heartisbroken]

Thank you swampped for your response.  We (my husband and I) have gone to counseling since this whole ordeal started and have found it helpful.  We have offered to go with our son and DIL since they first told us they needed to separate from us, but have been told (early on in this whole ordeal when they were separated from us but still having limited contact) that they were not ready to go with us to counseling as we would "just lie between our teeth in front of the counselor."  The advice that you gleaned from AlAnon is what we have tried to follow----not always easy to put into practice, but we have tried.  Our heartache is from the fact that our son, who was an ideal son until 20 months ago, has "drunk her Kool Aid" (our words) and bought into all that our DIL says about us.  That plus having our grandkids "ripped away" without any good bye is a heartache that is overwhelming.  We hope these precious kids are safe. . . .I helped raise the first two so that mommy could finish her education and I flew out of state numerous times to support them in this way.  The boys became attached to me over the months and years and our DIL said to my husband about a year ago that "the boys love their Nana more than me."  She was the one who pulled away from them while she had me babysit more and more.  I told my son when he was verbally going after me on behalf of his wife, that all I did was give the boys all the love that I could when I had them and played with them as much as I could, to which he responded saying, "That's the problem mom----why don't you get it?"

[swampped]

I am so sorry for your pain, heartisbroken.  The only thing I can say is that your son is probably doing what he needs to survive right now.  Leave the door open.  He will be back, either with or without his wife.  It may take a while, but what he and those grandchildren need to know is that you are there, and you love them, and you will be there when they need you.  In our experience, the craziness and the terrible accusations don't last forever.  Sooner or later he will see what is happening, and the relationship that you have had with him for all those years will stand him in good stead.  In the meantime, try to use the separation to build up your own strength and to learn the skills necessary to communicate with dil in the best way possible.  My bet is that you will need them.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.     Swampped

[heartisbroken]

I cannot tell you how much your responses have meant.  I think to feel beaten up, attacked, discarded, etc., makes one question their own sanity and to hear that we are not alone is one of the most reassuring things ever.  And Swampped----I appreciate your voice of experience advising us to leave the door open.  My H and I have really used this past 20 months as a time of reflection as to where we can improve.  We have become closer, more spiritual and genuinely more caring individuals (more aware as to the pain of others).  I will take your suggestion of working on our communication skills with our dil should we need them in the future.  Thanks again so much.