I think my mum may have 'BPD'

[balloon]

Hi,

I have spent many years struggling to support my mum and I feel at a loss. There has been little in the way of support from mental health teams and I have no idea what to do anymore. My father and brother left years ago, never to return. I used to be quite close to my mum but as the years have gone by I feel so distant. She talks about me all the time, to everyone and anyone. My mum even uses the word 'she' to discuss me when I am sat right next to her. Mum has tried to get in my bedroom in the middle of the night when I have visited home. She has knocked on my wall in the night, shouted out, scaring me. Mum seems miserable when I visit but appears to be happy when I leave, yet tells me that I am all she loves and lives for. I just don't know what to do anymore. It impacts my physical and mental health but I am forever scared of what she will do to herself if I say something.

Thanks for reading this

[Kwamina]

Hi balloon

Welcome to our online community  Many of us know how difficult it can be having a BPD mother. Has your mother been officially diagnosed with BPD? You also mention having little support from mental health teams. That's very unfortunate. Did your mother ever get any targeted treatment for her mental health issues?

Mum has tried to get in my bedroom in the middle of the night when I have visited home. She has knocked on my wall in the night, shouted out, scaring me.

Why did she try to get in your bedroom? Was it to pick a fight with you?

It impacts my physical and mental health but I am forever scared of what she will do to herself if I say something.

Has your mother ever indicated that she would harm herself in any way? Has she ever engaged in self-harming behaviors?

[balloon]

Hi Kwamina

Thank you so much for your reply and support!

My mum has not had an official diagnosis – the psychiatrist has diagnosed severe depression and anxiety but has had little input. I wonder how much of mums behaviours they do not see. Mum did have a psychoeducational group which she thought was useful, she mentioned that she could really relate to it. However once it progressed onto group therapy she stormed out after someone made a comment to her (I am unsure what the comment was though).

Last, last time my partner and I stayed she pushed open our bedroom door, waking us up at 1am, and got into bed with us even though I was trying to ask her what she was doing. She suddenly rushed out and began shouting ‘b___’. Apparently she ‘forgot’ we were in my bedroom because she sometimes sleeps in my bed when I’m not there.

Last time when we popped to the loo, around 2am, she asked if we wanted to get into bed with her. We said no and she shouted something, then proceeded to knock on our wall. When I asked her about it she claimed it was the next door neighbour. My mother also asks inappropriate questions about our sex life, or talks about the sex TV channels. It is almost like she wants to be part of our relationship in inappropriate ways.

A few years ago my mother was suicidal, she mentioned how my life would be “better if she wasn’t in it”. She continues to make comments about how my partner and I are all she has.

[borderdude]

My  mother was diagnosed bipolar,(norwegian),  after encounter this site, I recon som traits of BPD, like outburst of anger, arrested development , ... .

[Kwamina]

Hi again balloon

My mum has not had an official diagnosis – the psychiatrist has diagnosed severe depression and anxiety but has had little input. I wonder how much of mums behaviours they do not see. Mum did have a psychoeducational group which she thought was useful, she mentioned that she could really relate to it. However once it progressed onto group therapy she stormed out after someone made a comment to her (I am unsure what the comment was though).

It is very unfortunate that your mother didn't continue with her therapy. Do you feel like your mother at any point has ever acknowledged that there might be something wrong or inappropriate about the way she treats you?

Last, last time my partner and I stayed she pushed open our bedroom door, waking us up at 1am, and got into bed with us even though I was trying to ask her what she was doing. She suddenly rushed out and began shouting ‘b___’. Apparently she ‘forgot’ we were in my bedroom because she sometimes sleeps in my bed when I’m not there.

Last time when we popped to the loo, around 2am, she asked if we wanted to get into bed with her. We said no and she shouted something, then proceeded to knock on our wall. When I asked her about it she claimed it was the next door neighbour. My mother also asks inappropriate questions about our sex life, or talks about the sex TV channels. It is almost like she wants to be part of our relationship in inappropriate ways.

This behavior of your mother does sound highly inappropriate and would make me feel quite uncomfortable. When did she start doing things like this? Have you ever heard of the term 'emotional incest'? We have an article and workshop here about this subject that you might find interesting:

Was Part of Your Childhood Deprived by Emotional Incest?

Emotional or covert incest: discussing it and healing from it

A few years ago my mother was suicidal, she mentioned how my life would be “better if she wasn’t in it”. She continues to make comments about how my partner and I are all she has.

I am very sorry to hear your mother was suicidal, that isn't easy to hear your own mother say such things. Did she get any help back then to help her deal with her suicidal ideation?