Failing to find logic...

[CowTattoo]

Hi everyone.  My wife was diagnosed with BPD 5 years ago.  with meds and counseling, things have been pretty good (you know... .only 1 or 2 explosions a month... .).  Tonight, I am just feeling a bit overwhelmed. I'm not the best manager of finances ever, but we finally have a positive cash flow each month, and I was bludgeoned with "why haven't we(you) paid off all of our debts?  we've been in this country (I work in the UAE) 3 years, and you haven't paid off my school loans or credit card, you only paid off the debts we make in this country (implied all of which were caused by me... .never mind the FACT that I always get agreement before making any major purchase).

Maybe I should have studied more on dealing with BPD, but just reading a few posts here, I realize that her recent "I can't handle it" "These kids are driving me crazy" "you need to get a job in a different town with more opportunities for me and the kids" and "I have to have (fill in the blank) to even function in this town" might not be the fault of the kids, or the town... .

anyway, it helps to just express it... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

Welcome! 

Wow, your post rings so very true with me, and I am sure with plenty of others here.  Unfortunately, what you are experiencing from your spouse is common BPD behavior.  My wife is never happy, with anything.  And if by rare chance she is, it's not long before she finds a flaw.

Finances are also a tough one with us.  I feel there is "no win" there for me, because she keeps moving the goal posts.  The reality is, in the 2.5 years we have been living together:

1)  She has had 3 jobs.  The longest lasted two months.  She's been on disability the rest of the time.

2)  She never cooks.  So if I am not in the mood to cook, that means we eat out.  Our household expenses have risen tremendously.

3)  The bank account is low on money, constantly, which she blames me for.  Yet, I am the only one working!

4)  Any option I have of earning more money she doesn't like. 

5)  She claims to hate it here, it's my fault she has no job, no friends, lonely, etc.  She claims she is trapped with me.

I can guess this sounds familiar to you.  The reality is pwBPD are unhappy people, and nothing you can do will ever make your wife happy.  That's when you need to step back and work on making yourself happy, and let your wife find her own happiness.  Yes, she may make things ugly, blame you, retaliate, or leave you.  But constantly trying to fix things that are impossible to fix will slowly kill you.

I'm glad you found us here, plenty of wisdom on this site, and a good place to vent, too

[an0ught]

Welcome CowTatoo,

congratulations to your positive cash flow. Getting financial boundaries in place is a major achievement  and the peace of mind that comes with it helps a lot going forward.

Logic, well logic has little to do with behavior and even less with behavior of a pwBPD. You may find the workshops on validation and SET useful to better get your head around it. We humans are steered more by emotions than we like to admit and that is just us nons... .


,

a0

[isilme]

Hi there. Finances are hard in non BPD relationships, so of course they are harder when at least one partner loses the ability to reason and instead is driven the emotion of the moment.

This moth, FI agreed that I could put down deposits on our planned wedding moon, just to reserve a date.  Tonight, after holding in blowing up for about a month over other issues, the wedding came under attack.  Suddenly we can't afford it.  We can go until certain things in the house are fixed, and the car he refuses to drive or out any upkeep into is fixed.  It's kinda all on my shoulders, but no one can ever imply he is not responsible.  I work full time, have longer than he has, and do the shopping, cleaning, most cooking, car upkeep, mowing and weed eating the yard, and all home maintenance.  Yes, I realize that with BPD, and the increased depression he's felt the last year from his previous job (I feel bad.  His boss was going way above and beyond normal mean boss behavior, and in fact, she's a 'queen/waif' herself, but a lot of his work issues I'd figured were related to his BPD, but she was a nightmare, and it hurt him very badly) that he is basically disabled, just its emotionally, not physically, (the work environment did make him ill too) and most days I'm fine keeping up with everything.  But I'm getting tired.  Tonight was bad.  It's not been this bad in a loonnnggg time.  I am in here to keep from crying, because tears are a trigger (likes to accuse me of playing victim when I cry). 

Anyway, we combined accounts and overall, he's left me in charge,mans honestly, I've been able to save more than either of us singly.  But he likes to bemoan how we are dirt poor, and white trash, and I'm frustrated because most of what he has, his parents gave us, or I worked my ass off to get.  Sigh.  We were doing much better.  I do not want a year leading up to a wedding to be like this, because he is dysregulatiing.

[waverider]

pwBPD always look for the magic fix. different job, new gadget, fix this thing, throw some money at that, and it will solve all the problems. So you will always be in trouble for not coming through and supplying the "obvious" fix.

Just acknowledge she is frustrated, but dont rush to try to meet this random demands. They are purely just means to express frustration, its not about the particular issues themselves.