Need to change my mindset. I don't want to be excited to see her.

[Ren12]

After a 5 year relationship and a year marriage, she broke things off in April (on my bday). I now have found out there was another guy. It has now been 2 months of limited contact (only email), she is coming to pick the rest of her stuff up tonight.  I put it all in a pile in the basement. Didn't realize the amount of boxes and crap she has.  I always wanted her to go through it and organize it and get rid of what she doesn't need.  Of course after two moves it never got done. Now she is moving it all into storage. 

I sent her the following email regarding getting together tonight,

"A reminder, we both need a good mindset that there will need to be some compromise.  Emotions/Tempers need to be in check. At one point we loved each other and lets try and remember that and end things on a good note.  "

The thing is I never have had so much dysfunction in the last 2 months.  She has blamed me for pretty much everything.  I should be angry and such, but I am finding I am excited to see her tonight.  It is baffling to me.  I don't want to feel excited for someone that I truly wish I never crossed paths with. I only want to concentrate on the job at hand tonight, and not bring up anything about the relationship.  I can't see any good from that.  One thing I have realized we will always have differing views on how we came to the end. 

Instead of sending her an email telling her I am excited to see her tonight, I decided it is probably best to write a post here.  I hope tonight goes smooth.  I am prepared to kick her out of the house if tempers get the best of her tonight.

Any other suggestions?

[LimboFL]

A quick note, because I am am running out.

She is with another man, right? Why would you be excited to see someone who broke up with you and is seeing another man? You need to keep your emotions in check and remember that she left you, on your birthday and did so to be with someone else. Is this someone who you want to expend you care, love and energy for?

If for no other reason, in case you are hoping for a reconciliation, which we all advise against but that you need to decide. Playing it completely cool, indifferent and collected is the only way for you to get her to see the positive in you. You have to set your mind to this mindset before she get there. Try to purge the excitement and make sure that you adhere to the advice given in your email.

She has the upper hand, no? She is the one who left and she is the one who found someone else. Do not allow her to keep the power. Take it back by again, being totally indifferent. If her stuff is in the basement, leave her down there to sort it all out, while you go outside and make a phone call. Escort her down and leave, do not return to the basement, do not help unless it is just too heavy for her to handle. Don't treat her poorly, just don't help. Don't ask any questions about her boyfriend or where she stands, nothing, you don't care.

Good luck, be strong and stoic. You have moved on, as far as she is concerned. Anything else and you will look weak and will be keeping the power in her court. It's ridiculous that such games must be played but it's human nature, so play away.

[Turkish]

Despite the strong and natural feelings that arise from a 6 year r/s and marriage, this is business, right? It's tough to seperate that out.

It sounds like you want healthy closure. Most of us here do. Your note, however, seems invalidating to me in that it's telling her how to feel. As hard as it may be, can you seperate the business of she getting her stuff from your feelings?

[Ren12]

LimobFL, thanks for the quick note! It helped immensely.  The meeting was all business.

As of 2 weeks ago I don't think she is with the other man anymore.  Heard through the grapevine (the mans ex gfriend) late last week that the he cut ties with her because she told him we were separated for a year. In reality we were only separated for a month in December and she moved back in January while still communicating with this guy. Wow hey!  haha... .so much dysfunction.  I am not surprised she lied to that dude, as the lies I got have been ongoing for the last 6 months (if not longer). She is a very beautiful in shape girl, 28 years old, so I am sure she probably has other guys on the go.

She arrived with a smile on her face, came over and gave me hug, in which I hardly reciprocated.  My feelings of excitement changed quick to anger when she came over for a hug. How is it she can even try to hug me with all the lies and deceit she put me through? After that, we went through the house to show her that everything of hers was in the basement.  Helped her move the boxes to the basement and left her to it. Before she arrived I was busy helping the neighbour with fixing their eaves-trough. This worked out beautifully, as she finished packing everything in the basement at around the same time I finished helping the neighbour.  I then helped her move everything to the garage.  She is going to pick up her stuff from the garage this weekend with the help of her family. I am going to be out of town... .don't want to be around for that.

For the last task, she asked for my help to put her rear seat in her Jeep.  I couldn't believe all the crap/garbage she had in her Jeep.  Funny, as just before she left me, I detailed it for her.  Probably the last time it was cleaned.  Was confirmation of how she has been doing... .a wreck! As I was walking back to the garage we said bye and as I clicked the garage door to close, she started calling my name, but I pretended I didn't hear her over the garage door noise.  Felt good to have my back to her as she called, and I did not care.  Instead of coming to the door to tell me whatever she had on her mind, she jumped in her Jeep and left.  Must not of been important to her, just like our relationship. Not much was said while she was here.

I now feel good she is almost out of my life. Hoping this will be the last time I have to see her.

It feels good that I put up the front that I have moved on and kept as much power in my court that I could. Not at all hoping for any reconciliation from her. I know she is no good for me!

Thanks again LimboFL.