Confused

[Veronica033]

This is my first post here. I am dealing with some major confusion, and need some advice.

Some background... .my best friend since high school (so 9 years), who is also my roommate, has BPD. She has been diagnosed and been going to counseling for several years. There were some very rough patches a few years ago, then things seemed to be stable for a time (which is when we became roommates), then it got difficult again, and now the past 8 months have been some of the roughest yet. Throughout this whole time I've done a lot of reading and studying up on BPD. I also have learned that I have a poor idea of healthy boundaries, and I enable my friend's behavior a lot. I have been working on understanding and setting healthy boundaries and sticking to them, and not enabling my friend.

Since the end of May the craziness factor in the friendship as been out of control. Raging/hysterical incidents were pretty rare before, but now more frequent. She gives me lectures or sends texts/emails telling me how hurt she is by something I did or didn't do--this happens frequently now. At the end of May she threatened to overdose, refused to go the hospital, locked herself in her room, but then came out as I said I was going to call the police. She agreed to let me drive her to the ER. On the way, she said she was not going to cooperate, and that she had something with her. As I drove she tried to overdose. I pulled over and called the police and she ended up hospitalized for a few days. Things tamed down just a little bit, but then picked up again. More raging/hysterical episodes, more lectures, more texts/emails. After this I decided I needed to see a counselor. She found out about this and another raging/hysterical episode occurred. This last episode really hit me hard. I told her I needed some distance and needed to re-look at the boundaries I have in the friendship. It has been a few days. She is back to somewhat stable. She is apologetic now, writing me letters telling me how she is going to respect my boundaries, what she is going to do differently, buying me a my favorite dessert, etc.

I am so confused. As I write it out, it seems more clear cut. In the midst of it, it seems so blurry. How do I act after she rages and then is apologetic? I want to forgive her, but I don't know what that means. I don't want to enable her or go back to having poor boundaries. But what does that mean? I am hoping for some guidance and an objective opinion. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Turkish]

Hello Veronica033,



First, I'd say that your boundaries worked. Being in a relationship (of any sort), with a pwBPD requires consistency (boundaries), and also the ability to not take things personally when they are dysregulating. Sounds simple, but it's something we all struggle with. You may benefit by reading these lessons:

Lessons for members who are staying in their relationships

Especially the validation tools, to enhance what you have learned already.

I'm sorry that you may be feeling resentful. This is a natural feeling to have being the target of dysregulated behaviors, and then being painted white, like she wants to be your BFF. People with BPD see the world in black and white: you may be all bad sometimes, and all good at other times. It's confusing, and even hurtful, because we don't receive validation of our own feelings.

Enabling or rescuing may seem the right thing to do at the time (and self harm is certainly scary), but it can become a cycle from which it's hard to extract ourselves.

We can't tell you how to act, nor should we. You feel how you feel, and it's understandable. You are responsible for your feelings, and she for hers. Validation, however, can help to reduce conflict and open up a dialog. Take a look at Lesson 3 in the tools, and let me know if they make sense.

Turkish

[P.F.Change]

Hi,Veronica033!

Relationships with people who have BPD can feel very confusing. You are definitely not alone. I think it is great that you are seeking support so that you can learn ways to take care of yourself while respecting your friend at the same time.

We have a number of resources here that might help you. In addition to the lessons Turkish shared, one workshop that helped me a lot as I learned to communicate my boundaries is S.E.T. technique-Support Empathy Truth . I also learned a lot from Dealing with enmeshment and codependence . Your friend seems to be cycling from one extreme to another in how she treats you, which is contributing to your feelings of confusion. You might find this workshop helpful, too: From idealization to devaluation-why we struggle There are also some great ones on boundaries and enabling--feel free to look around at the Lessons and let us know if anything stands out or if you have other questions.

Part of this process for you will be learning to allow your friend the opportunity to manage her own feelings instead of agreeing to let her use you to dump them on. That may sound vague right now, but with your counselor's help it will start to make sense. Calling on professional hell for her when she was expressing suicidal ideation was the right thing to do, by the way.

In addition to therapy, how are you taking care of yourself? Do you have other friends or family for support?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Veronica033]

Thank you for the kind words and advice. I have done a lot of reading over the past few days. It has definitely helped with the confusion, and now I see patterns in behavior instead of just chaos. I have a lot of work to do--I definitely need to work on setting and keeping boundaries even when things seem stable. And rescuing/enabling is something I struggle with--I don't always catch myself doing this until after the fact. And probably the most helpful thing has been knowing I'm not alone--that has been a huge relief.