My poem 'Redemption' -- for all of us

Thanks for such generous validation! You know when I first wrote this poem I was still in denial of the profound impact of the dark side of my uBPD mother, so the "harpy" was rationalized in my conscious mind (with some tugs of reality at my fear and enthrallment to my uBPD mother) as just those terrible and inscrutable "bullying ego tapes" in my head that scolded me mercilessly with contempt and perfectionistic Stepford daughter behavior. I figured I had shed an ocean of tears previous to writing that poem.

After my Camelot period in college, living in my parents home and then later away but still very much on the leash, I knew something was so frightfully wrong with me seemingly suddenly, my uncontrollable depressions and anxiety attacks. It was like I went bipolar within weeks after moving back with my parents. My mother had turned on me with such resentment and rage. She was disgusted with my selfishness during my college and post-college period. My father's drinking binges seemed to have escalated. My grandmother had passed on by then, two of my three brothers had moved away.

My mother cornered me one day and announced as if it was a given any fool would recognize I was never to marry or take my focus off her and her needs ever again. My duty and my destiny. It felt like a prison sentence with a malicious jailer.

There was something so seriously disturbed within me suddenly. Something seriously wrong with my mind. I had felt joy and hope and confidence in college. That network was now scattered over several states and not readily accessible. Why was I falling apart so I wondered. I couldn't control these extreme moods. Long crying jags in a fetal position. Inability to sleep. Easily triggered fear and such self consciousness. Of course I was in denial that either parent had anything to do with my condition. Except eventually even my inner poet began to explore what was happening to me and helping me fight my way through the FOG.

I had become a hostage -- pow -- once again to my parents' marital war and an on-call handmaiden to a zero tolerant uBPD mother. It was like my journey to adulthood had taken a nasty involuntary and hijacked u-turn.

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Leaving, thanks so much for appreciating, my friend!

ppb2la, I am so glad it inspires. I am still swimming ... .talk about a long swim. :-)

Panda! I do blog and write IRL. Lately I have been writing political blogs and poetry, mostly haiku.

Re political blogging, I think I am working out some authority figure anger at the dysfunctional US government and authoritarianism and corporate cronyism. I also get to express my hard liberal opinions, which is such a shift from all those early egg shell walking years when I was compulsive people pleaser. Sometimes I get hit with slings and arrows of different opinion holders but it seems good recovery therapy for me to cope with that. Hah!

I finally fathom my dysfunctional family and suddenly realize my nation is a broader dysfunctional family. :)oing the serenity prayer on it. The militarism is a particular topic for me.

I also have journaled most of my adult life for emotional survival. Since there was so much secrecy and craziness growing up it was a way for me to try to regain focus on myself and check in with myself to fight the enthrallment with my mother and the role playing of my alcoholic and borderline family.

Some of the stories I share got shared long ago in 12 step meetings which was quite cathartic though the big uBPD puzzle piece was missing then and all my mother's dysfunctional behavior was excused by her stress as the wife of an alcoholic. i am trying to reframe my perspective and it was jolting so late in life finally getting it. I knew there was more that I needed to fathom. Thank God I finally got to it. I had over a half dozen therapists and wish at least one of them had known about borderline personality disorder and figured out what was going on with me. Christine Lawson's book was stunningly resonant. God bless her!

Sunflower, thanks so much. Of all the poems I have written, this is my favorite. I would love from time to time to share more of my other relevant poems here. There is a longer one I have in mind already. About my mother's troubling reaction to a bride doll I was given once which revealed some sabotaging messages about sexuality. Stay tuned! :-)

Best,

Bethanny



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