Constant Woe

[hellosun]

For the past several months my uBPDh has been in a situation of his chosing that is causing him significant stress and frustration. This is a situation he can get out of at any time, so I don't have unending sympathy for him.

Really, I think I've been fairly understanding and validating over the months, but his constant, repetative complaints are driving me bonkers... .

This morning I woke up and said to him: "Oh my, that was quite the nightmare!"

And he was like: "Oh my, what a nightmare it is to have awoken!"

Hilarious, right? Maybe if he hadn't been going on for months about how terrible his life is, and how God hates him, and how nothing will ever change, I might have laughed to myself afterwards. But as it was, I had nothing to say in response. I'm feeling so very drained, and so very annoyed.

He makes woe-is-me statements several times a day. I validate breifly, and change the subject. But he still manages to inject comments about his personal distress into unrelated conversations. A lul in the conversation, and he's on about how awful it is to be alive.

Yes, he is depressed. And I do have compassion for him. I have used the conversation tools to ask if he would like help. I've even been able to help him with a couple of his tasks, which relieved some of his anxiety. I appreciate how difficult it is for him to deal with his distress. If therapy were an option right now, he'd be there.

But in the meantime, it is exhausting to deal with his obsessive, overwhelming pessimism. How do I recharge? How do I plug this energy leak? It's been unrelenting for too long now, and I think he senses that I'm fed up with it, which makes him feel wose.

And none of this negativity is about me, or I'd have said "nuh uh." This is all about how the universe hates him, essentially. How do you deal with repetative comments? I've tried teasingly saying, "yes, the world hates you, I remeber the last 25 times you told me so today." He's all, "right, soreeeeeeee."

Any advice would be so appreciated. Just having this space to post is such a help, because I don't really have anyone to vent to in person about this.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Graceinaction]

I think your humor can help. Does it seem to help relieve some of your own frustrations? Because let's face it, you're not going to make him feel better. I tend to go the humor route once I've tried everything else. That or sarcasm, which is very unlike me so it gets my husband's attention pretty quickly.

Other than that, I feel for you. I would want to strangle him, and I imagine you might want to at times also. I'm a very "glass half full" person, and all you have to do is watch the news to see things could be so much worse.

As for God hating him, that is my all time biggest annoyance. So yeah, I would be at the end of my rope.

Can I ask what brought this on? What is the big problem he won't get himself out of?

[maxsterling]

I deal with this, constantly. 

My advice?  Learn to accept it, and learn to tune it out.  Try to take yourself out of a position where he is looking at you as his sounding board or therapist.  He's gonna complain; that's his personality.  Try and remember that it is not your job to fix him.

This is the way my wife is.  Not a day goes by without her complaining about her life in some way.  And from my end, it's mostly of her own doing.  She complains that nobody likes her and she has no friends, but at the same time she is complaining about how she hates everyone.  A perfect example was yesterday.  One of her new co-workers apparently was being open and friendly with her, and called my W a "hippy" (in an endearing way).  right before bed, my wife said, "I hate that she called me a "hippy", she's so stupid... ."  And she wonders why her friends don't stick around... .

[an0ught]

Hi  hellosun,

sounds your partner is a bit depressed. Depression has less stigma than BPD so maybe you can get him to talk to a T.

Listening to him and then validating that he feels blue, the world is broken, things have been better but also going downhills in circles can be exhausting. Good validation reflects some of the negative vibe and is more effective in protecting yourself than pretending that all is fine and trying to talk him up. Still it is exhausting.

Validation is an effective, sustainable and low effort tool. But it does take effort. In our relationships we are usually energy starved and spending any effort on validation is already taxing our exhausted resources a lot.

Boundaries clearly take more effort to put in place. It can be scary, risky and it is a big change. But once established they primarily take a little to monitor but generally are low maintenance. Boundaries can also be effective to force our loved ones to stand on their own feet - most of them have two that actually work!

You should not stop validating. Good validation, exactly to the point can be very helpful. The world seems to him a dark place and he adjusts his mind accordingly. Respectful, not controlling but straight. His negativity is invalidating you and validating him helps you to protect yourself internalizing it too much.

But then you need also safe zones. Spaces and times that are protected from spewing negativity. He may be there but when there your rules apply. Otherwise he needs to leave or you are leaving. Find a way to establish boundaries that are under your control where you are safe from his negative spin. It is not your job to get him out of the blues 24/7! In the end only he can do the important steps.

[hellosun]

Thank you all for your replies.

He has decided to become more assertive, and change his stressful situation, which is a relief to both of us. However, he is still making dramatic statements about how awful his life is. I am keeping up the validation as best I can, but after the eighth time in an afternoon, I start to feel like a broken reccord.

I try asking him to explain in greater detail what's upseting him, and he says "everything." *facepalm* Very rarely is it possible to get him to be much more specific than that.

We are in the middle of a move. Once we are settled, I will try my best to get him to see a therapist about depression, because he has been in this state longer than usual.

And yeah, I need to remember that I cannot fix him. I tend to get extremely anxious about him when he is distressed, and want to make it better. But I need to get out and take some time for myself, instead of fruitlessly worrying. I'll try to find some places that are for me.

I have set a boundry that I am not engaging in negative rants about the world, or intense conversations in the evening because I need to relax so I can sleep, and he respects this. Will still make short complaints, but I am trying to let them go.

I will try to set a few more boundaries. He can get a bit pouty if I don't spend enough time with him, and I almost never am away for an entire day. So I may need to remind him that I cannot be there for him 24/7. Time away is okay!